Is it me? Or is she abusive?

[Grateful123]

I’ve been in an on and off relationship with another woman for just over (detail removed by moderator). Within the first two weeks I started to notice red flags but chose to ignore them. Long story short I ended up having to move in with her as my own life was a mess and had nowhere else to go at the time. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around her all the time because anything can set her off. She keeps calling me names that are degrading and when I speak up she tells me to stop being so sensitive and learn to take a joke. She constantly criticises everything I do. I can’t even (detail removed by moderator) without her telling me how to do it because I’m not doing it properly. She always has to one up me and makes out as if I’m so stupid I know nothing about anything in life. She just assumes I’m not good at doing anything and can’t do anything and that I’m useless. She will be standing somewhere asking me to go get something for her when she is closer to the item than I am. Can’t say no because she will tell me I’m a selfish c**t and huff and puff and get p****d off. She keeps being passive aggressive and replies to simple questions with arrogance. And it’s been getting worse. More recently we would be talking about something and for example when I mentioned that she hasn’t been helping out and paying her half of (whatever it is) when she promised to do so. She bought a new (detail removed by moderator) but was meant to give me money towards items she forced me to by on (detail removed by moderator). So I just mentioned it as it’s stressful because I can’t afford to pay it on my own. She then (detail removed by moderator) and asks who I’m talking to. So I told her I was messaging a friend on Facebook. Which for me is normal as I have no friends any where nearby so I need my online friends every now and then. Then she proceeds to tell me that I’m a lying b***h and starts accusing me of all sorts of things. After the argument broke out she told me she’s going to bring another woman here and make sure she flirts and kisses her in front of me. Now let’s go back to last (detail removed by moderator). She was going off at me for some or other thing when she tells me I deserve a punch in the face. And I asked her why she thinks it’s okay and she said because I deserve it and that she just wants to give me a big black eye. Next thing I know she starts laughing and saying she’s going to get a knife and stab me in the neck. I just felt cold all over and felt really scared at this point so (detail removed by moderator). I told her mum what she said to me and she told her that’s wrong to tel someone that your going to hurt them. Her reply to her mom was this “oh please if I had to kill her it would t matter because she has nothing to live for anyway” by this time I’m balling my eyes out and (detail removed by moderator) tell her it’s not okay to say that about me and it’s really hurtful. She then picks up a bread knife and says she’s going to give me something to cry about. I ran back outside and left the property literally shaking and crying my eyes out. By the time her mom spoke sense into her and I’d come back inside I saw that she had torn up (detail removed by moderator) that meant a great deal to me as they were a present from a friend of mine.

I feel like this is all my fault and that I deserve this. But I can’t get away because I have nowhere to go. I have lost every ounce of self esteem that I had. I feel like an empty shell and I have had numerous breakdowns and panic attacks in the last two months because of how she’s been treating me.

[KIP.]

She’s abusive and dangerous and you need to get out. What she’s doing is illegal. Contact your local women’s aid who might be able to help with accommodation or a refuge. Talk to the domestic abuse police for advice. Abuse always gets worse and she knows you’re trapped there so she will exploit that. Take a look at Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven.

[Eggshells]

Hi Grateful123,

If I’m honest, your post really worried me. Sometimes the abuse creeps in so that we don’t realise quite how bad it has become.

What you have described is concerning and I think you are at genuine risk of serious physical and mental harm.

KIP has given you great advice. Please do contact Women’s Aid and try to get a space in z refuge as soon as possible.

[Grateful123]

Thanks everyone x

[Author]

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