Is it me that’s the problem ?

[Angels wings]

I feel so confused right now. Just (detail removed by moderator) ago the penny dropped about emotional abuse and I finally called women’s aid for help. My husband went on a course to help him and we decided to try to make things work. I found recently that things are creating back to how it used to be. Silent treatment constant grumpiness, put downs snidely comments, jokes aimed at me and the children etc etc, I got so low again and to the point I told him I wanted us to split. He did the usual saying he loves me and that it’s because we have no time together no sex etc, the trouble is I’m so exhausted all the time through running the house home educating literally doing everything, he dies the typical go to work and DIY but knows nothing about the children’s school work never goes to school meetings he knows nothing about our son who has special needs never goes to hospital appointments I do everything, his involvement is taking them shopping or asking what they want for Christmas birthdays etc or disciplining them, we never seem to have real conversations everything is so superficial, I go to bed early exhausted and gave no interest in sex because after all we’ve been through I don’t think of him that way anymore it’s always been used to keep him happy do he’s not grumpy or sulking. It’s like even though he wants to make it work I’ve put up a barrier I want it to be happy at home but don’t want him near me. I’m scared to leave and start again just me and the children. I’ve read so much about n********m he is needy he says he only has me etc etc not the grandiose type, he is always right knows more etc he fits a lot of the descriptions when I read the articles but when things are all ok o wonder if it’s me because I’m not paying our relationship enough attention. It’s so complicated too much to write down I just feel really mixed up ATM and needed to vent.

[SaharaD]

It’s the cycle of abuse.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

Abuse
Guilt
Excuses
Normal Honeymoon Behaviour
Tension Fantasy Planning
Setup
Abuse

And back around.

[Anonymous]

Hi AngelWings, it sounds to me like you have a lot on your plate and no wonder you are exhausted. They do have a way of making us feel like it is our fault. I am not sure about your situation but I have read a lot on here where I have thought that fits my situation. There is definitely some behaviours that we can all link to those we live with. If you are recognising them then it is not you at all. xx

[betterdays]

Hi angel wings he sounds just like my ex. I’ve 3 with special needs he also never wanted to know about school needs meetings medical appointments I were left doing it alone. I felt alone I too got so low. Ended it (detail removed by moderator) he hit the beer straight away he too is a good worker and good at d.I.y. but because my house has sold he’s suddenly wanting to jump on the band Waggon reckoning to want to help with kids but say he can’t as I won’t let him near. Seems odd he couldn’t help before I think hes expecting a cut of the money he’s not entitled to x

[Lisa]

Hi Angels wings,

Welcome to the forum. I am so pleased to see that you have got some good support from here on the forum and also from Women’s Aid in the past. Please know that you can contact your local Women’s Aid group and the helpline any time that you need to talk.

We all know that it can be very hard and daunting to leave an abusive relationship but it is significant that already he is slipping back in to his abusive ways, slowly at first but you have probably already noticed that it is escalating. You and the children deserve to feel happy and safe. You are not to blame, it sounds like his behaviour has pushed you away and you simply no longer want to be in a relationship with him. It sounds like you no longer love him like you used to and that is nothing to feel guilty about. Please be careful as this can be a dangerous time for you as he will realise his control is slipping. The helpline and your local Women’s Aid group can help you to safety plan and to support you and let you know of your options.

We are all here for you and so glad that you have found the forum.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum moderator

[Angels wings]

Thanks everyone o appreciate your help. We went away at the weekend and he was as nice as can be. I had my period so no physical contact. Since being home I have been exhausted, partially through organising a party cleaning and tidying plus arranging and packing to go away and partially because I think I may have prolapsed again I had an op to repair after childbirth but I’ve been in pain this week so I’m going to the doctor today. I only mentioned it yesturday to him because I’ve been falling asleep at 7.40-8.30 every night and because two of the children have been poorly or I’ve been tired the children have fallen asleep in my room and it’s meant he’s slept in the other room. His face is like thunder he’s certainly not all sweet anymore and it’s because we aren’t having sex. He told me it makes him grumpy and it’s certainly true. Tbh i probably should’ve explained to him sooner but on the other hand feel I shouldn’t have to. Let’s see if the mask drops quickly this time.

[Author]

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