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    • #41263
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I just can’t talk to him, I can’t tell him the things that he does that hurt me – so every time we argue and I’m feeling brave it all comes spilling out in one go. He says I should tell him each time he annoys me – but we would be at each other’s throats prettty much every day.

      I used to try and talk to him but he twists everything and I always walk away feeling as though I need to try harder. I walk into an arguement certain I am right, yet walk out thinking that it’s my fault and that I am the one who needs to change.

      Does anyone else have an issue communicating? Is it a result of the abuse? Or is it me? I can take it x

    • #41270
      KIP.
      Participant

      It’s pointless arguing with an abuser. Arguing with an abuser is like playing chess with a pidgeon. Even when the lose, they knock the pieces over, s**t on the board and strut around like they’ve won.
      They gas light, change the goal posts and are liars. Don’t waste your breath. The blame always comes back to you. I caught my ex cheating and he blamed me saying he tried to tell me 3 or 4 times but I just wouldn’t listen! I think I would remember a conversation where he admitted cheating. Nasty dysfunctional people. So he’s saying its your fault for not telling him each time he annoys you? Can you see how he’s deflected the spotlight from his own bad behaviour, now pointing it at your behaviour. They’re skilled at this and it’s mind boggling. Would drive the sanest person crazy.

    • #41272
      Serenity
      Participant

      Communication is impossible with abusers.

      They dismiss, twist, divert, duck and dive, deflect and project blame, and what’s worse, use the personal things you’ve told them against you.

      You don’t feel supported or listened to as you would in a healthy relationship. They use discussions as a power game, a battle of wills (even covertly), leaving you feeling worse than before you opened our mouth.

      If you were to bring it up each time he did something, you’d be accused of being negative or nagging.

      Their mission isn’t to understand your viewpoint or to help you feel supported. It’s to maintain being top dog and to keep you in your place, or make you question yourself.

    • #41614
      doubtingmyself
      Participant

      I have experienced this! Yes, I am often told by my partner that I don’t tell him things or express when I’m unhappy. Got to the point where I went to counselling. My counsellor told me to express myself by saying ‘I feel….’ and I told my partner this. No one can dismiss or argue something you’re feeling, no one can control that. It’s usually the only time I am listened to when I say ‘I feel…’ but I still have to pick the moment when he is calm and receptive to a mature discussion. We still end up going round in circles and the clarity I had entering a conversation just becomes mud.
      Sorry to hear you’re going through this. I think it is unlikely you have a problem communicating- are you questioning this when communicating with anyone else…? Then it’s not you!

    • #42632
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I completely agree there is no point & they always blame you, even for their own faults, I was blamed for everything, even stuff that could not have possibly been my fault like stone chips in the car, cracks in the ceiling. The fact that he struggled to get an erection, or that he ejaculated too quickly. His abuse was serious, long term & terrifying to live with. If I dared to cry, or say please will you stop hurting us he would rant its always about you and your fn feelings. There were major traumas whilst with him, deaths of loved ones, life threatening incidents I was not allowed feelings of any kind, be it hurt, frustration, fear, always, always he would rant. He also abused a relative badly, I had said please don’t scream & shout at them, they were elderly, I was told to mind my own fn business. Even when I tried to console him, he would say how do you know how I am fn feeling, I feel tremendously guilty because since left I seem like I’m the only ones with problems as I have been on a dreadful state. Been accused of by many that they have problems too. I know with me it’s because I need desperately too talk about all that happened & all that I am struggling to cope with. I panic if think I’ve upset anyone & when I know about anyone having a problem I try my best to help them by checking they are ok. Over the years I have helped so many people with so much. Now when I say I can’t do things because of my severe anxiety, trying to find the courage to rebuild my life, scared to go out because of past threats of strangers I feel even that I shouldn’t be asking for help. It feels like no one can be bothered. I was even told by the doctor I took up too much time. Abusers make us over justify ourselves like we are completely defective. They always always blame throw. I have done a lot of reading about the effects of abuse & when it causes severe anxiety, When I’ve spoken about my life & others see what a dreadful state I’m in, I find myself explaining that this is why, this happened, that happened. I’ve never done it to get sympathy just to explain why I’m in such a dreadful state. I tell my life story to try to help others feel not so alone. I can totally comprehend why others struggle with problems too, Some people need to talk about their problems to work their way through. If we are with abusers they do not care about feelings, they have no empathy, Also I think that few understand what long term abuse does, few understand severe anxiety caused, few understand ptsd or cptsd. I probably do come across as full of my own problems and feel so guilty too. The forum is a wonderful thing because we can understand each other, try to help each other with our experiences as well. I think his abuse has made me realise that in the future I must never talk about my fears, my feelings or ever argue with anyone. Everyone is entitled to feel though . Live and let live, So long as no more abusers who make you live life by their rule book. Xx

    • #42639
      deathangel
      Participant

      As usual Serenity has nailed it!

      I also thought my relationship trouble was all about misunderstandings and miscommunication. It might have been in a non-abusive relationship of equals. What you are talking about is abuse. If he cannot listen to what you have to say, whether positive or negative, then he is ignoring your feelings. This is what abusers cannot get a handle on. Our feelings, it is all about them, their feelings and their control. It is a myth to believe that he has poor communication skills. Does he not talk to others and debate even, without becoming aggressive and abusive? Basically he is unwilling to resolve conflicts in a non-abusive way. He is not unable, he just does not want to, he actively chooses not to, with regards to you. I bet he has long, drawn out conversations with many other people, but when it somes to you, BAM, nothing, nada, not happening. This used to upset me, how come he can talk for hours to his cousin, nephew, work colleague, work client, yet when it comes to me specifically, he cannot and will not? He chooses not to engage with me. He chooses to blame the fact that he is upset on me, because I draw attention to something he did that really hurt me, so I am to blame for him being angry and not wanting to talk. It is crazy-making stuff. I started to think I was the most useless communicator ever, until I thought of all my other relationships with family and friends. Nope, not me at all. An abusive man refuses to communicate normally with us because it keeps us unbalanced, uneasy. Under his control. He has a problem with our anger. We are not allowed to be angry.

    • #42642
      Robin
      Participant

      You’re not alone – I think from all the responses you can see that it’s part of the course. I too try to use ‘I feel’ and get told I’m nagging and politically correct. He says I don’t seem to be able to stop myself from nagging him and he went mad when I told him it wasn’t appropriate to refer to our toddler son as a ‘silly t**t’ and so to prove that he genuinely doesn’t care about what I say he called it him again the next morning, in front of his big brother.

      It’s hurts. It makes me feel like I don’t count but I do. And so do you.

    • #43279
      summersun
      Participant

      My ex said the same – he told me I should bring up things at the time, as soon as something bothered me, and implied that I was too cold with my emotions and said it was clear I didn’t like confrontation.

      So then I tried to do what he asked and bring things up more directly (things like; he’d always be unreliable with plans, leaving me waiting on him all day to let me know when he was free, or he was critical, criticising my weight, hairstyle etc). So I started saying at the time ‘that wasn’t a nice thing to say to me’, or ‘I’ve been at home waiting on you to let me know when you’re free from your chores, but now you’re telling me you’ve been in the park with your friend.’

      Anyway, then he dumped me, saying I was always making him feel like he was doing things wrong and he didn’t like feeling like that. He said I was petty and childish for always complaining about such small things. He said he had limited valuable time off work and didn’t want to waste it dealing with my petty complaints. He also said that we think differently – that these things really matter to me – but I can’t help that, it’s just my personality. And told me he’d never had this problem with other girls before, because they were all more laid back.

      During the relationship I felt like you, that we were not communicating well and that it was me – I had tried to bring up these issues calmly, saying ‘I feel’ etc many times, or explaining as you would to a child, ‘it just hurts me because it makes it difficult for me to plan my day or see other people’. I’d either be told ‘what, it’s not a big deal right?’, or just get a shoulder shrug and it happen again the next day.

      Incidentally, one time when I changed a plan with him (something he did to me constantly), he asked me five times what I was doing that night instead. I told him I was at home, I was just cancelling because I was tired, and asked what he was doing. He told me he was out having drinks and flirting with other girls because some b***h cancelled on him and he’s a man and that’s how it goes. So I guess he did get why cancelling is frustrating – when I did it to him.

      I don’t know what else I could have done, because he wouldn’t listen, compromise, change, or accept any fault was his. All he had to do was listen, acknowledge and say, ‘sorry, I didn’t mean to be so flakey / insult you, I’ll watch out for it next time’, and I would have accepted that and not needed to constantly be upset by it. I feel like the relationship imploded and I’m not really sure what I could have done differently.

    • #43282
      Falling Skys
      Participant

      These abusers love conflict, what ever you do will be wrong. When I use to say how he made me feel, he always changed to how he felt. In the end my head was so mushed I would know if I was coming or going or what the point of it was.

      Remember that it is him with the issues not you.

      FS

    • #43321
      Nova
      Participant

      Hi TTMO its all of the above & it’s nothing to do with you at all. In fact if you weren’t there he’d still be able to argue with a brick wall. It’s all and it’s nothing at all.
      After years of trying to get to ‘the point’ I realised it’s pointless..because there is no point!
      The bottom line is the main aim is to silence you. The manipulation, control, fear cycle is to effectively scare you..and to shut you up.
      All that’s going on around you is creating a atmosphere of uncertainty, anxiety, trauma…this results in you feeling all uncertain anxious and traumatically bonded to your abuser..
      As you say you don’t know who it is, you or him, it’s him.
      Your caught up in his conflict which is projected onto you making you feel like c**p.

      Keep strong, you know we are here & whenever you want you can have a talk to WA.

      Hugs Cx

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