Is it my fault? Is it rape?

[Ayidaaaaaa]

Since (removed by moderator) I have been verbally urged by a friend to have sexual intercourse. I told him several times that I didn’t want that and would like to wait until marriage.
But at some point in (removed by moderator) he pushed even harder and said that if I didn’t do it with him, he would look for someone else. I also told him to find someone else.
Eventually I got scared that he was leaving me and reluctantly gave in (slight nod). But at some point I told him to stop, which he didn’t do.

He said he wouldn’t stop until he was done and I just waited. When he was done, I felt dizzy. I really didn’t want it, but eventually I gave in and didn’t want to anymore.

There was then another incident, this time at his . I didn’t come with the intention of doing it with him but he said since I’m here we could do it. Then we started kissing, which I thought was okay, but at some point his hand slipped into my private parts without consent. He asked me again if I wanted that and I just asked him if he had a condom, which he didn’t. Then I told him I didn’t want that, but he used some phrases to persuade me.
And after a eine i told him that (detail removed by moderator) And continued until I actively backed up and removed myself from him.
After that i blocked him and never spoke to him again. I feel bad about what happened but was it rape , was it my fault? And my very religious mom found out , choked me at first and calls me a hoe and every other word in the book and maybe she was right. I couldn’t stand up for my believes and didn’t fought back.

[maddog]

What has happened to you sounds so very similar to what happened to me. The pressure, the pressure, the pressure. That’s not consent. The veiled threats. He used you to get his rocks off.

Please speak to Rape Crisis about what has happened. I expect you feel violated. It sounds as though he cornered you like an animal.

Lots of people believe that rape has to be violent, that the woman has to be screaming her head off and fighting back like mad. It really doesn’t work like that. It’s also easier to blame the victim. Many religions appear to support the perpetrator while proclaiming to respect women.

This absolutely wasn’t your fault. This man did all the doing, and left you with no choice. You have done nothing wrong. This man has done something very, very wrong. Rape Crisis will help you untangle what’s happened to you. The fact that he didn’t use a condom when you asked him to is another massive red flag.

Rape casts a long shadow and it’s so easy to blame ourselves. This is his behaviour and you were his target.

[Ayidaaaaaa]

Hey maddog,

I’m sorry to hear that it happened to you. There are days where I do acknowledge that the things that happened are wrong and other days where i feel like I’m only making this up because he hurt me.

I’m going to the police to report him but I think that he will get away with it. My only hope is that when another girl goes and report him she will have it easier since I already did it.
The only problem i have is that I’m scared of his reaction since we have the same friends. What if he tells them I’m a liar shows them our chat etc.
And He is now back with his ex he told me to not worry about. But I’m worried for her. He might do the same things to her, and i heard that their relationship is very toxic and on and off. But i never spoke to her and i dont know if i should try to talk to her or just let it be to not cause any more trouble.
I’m actually quite sensitive about tape and abuse but i remember him saying stuff like (removed by moderator). I don’t know how I could miss them signs and i blame me now for everything.

[Ayidaaaaaa]

I only told it a few of my friends and (removed by moderator) of the friend group we share. And one of the friend, i actually trusted and aleays seeked for advice said that he doesn’t want anything to do with this situation (removed by moderator). Niw i feel even more like I’m doing too much. But on the other hand, if my friend was in the situation that i am. I wouldn’t want anything to do with their abuser and distance myself from him. I honestly am confused and me being alone in this doesn’t help at all. My “abuser” ig doesn’t know yet that i made a report but maybe in (removed by moderator)☹️ I’m scared

[Lisa]

Hi Ayidaaaaaa,

Welcome to the forum. I’m sorry to hear what has happened with your friend in the past. It most certainly is rape as you expressed a number of instances that were non-consensual.

As Maddog expressed, these assaults were not your fault, so please do not place any blame on yourself. It must feel devastating when even family cannot understand this, but rape and sexual assault are crimes committed by the perpetrators and never is there an instance where the victim allows this to happen. Calling Rape Crisis has been suggested, and it certainly would be a good place to perhaps start receiving specialist support for what you have been through.

Take care,

Lisa

[maddog]

Very few rapists get convicted. It doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen or that the police can’t help. The law only happens afterwards in England. Your abuser won’t know that you’ve spoken to the police until they want to speak to him. You have some control over this.

PM me if you like. It’s so common that friends will blame the victim. It’s another betrayal. You’re not alone. Rape Crisis will help you articulate what’s happened. Rape is horrible. Your case seems far clearer than mine. Perhaps it’s not. We’ll get there. It’s grim to begin to understand the dynamics of abuse. I thought I did. Then I blame myself. What happened to me sounds so similar to what happened to you. It’s really not our fault. x

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