Is it my imagination?

[Bwob]

I have been married for many years. When we met I had a lot of investments, equity in a house and savings. My husband had nothing. He said we should ‘share’ everything so we just had a joint account.

I had a credit card to spend on but discovered later when the statements went on line that I was just a named card holder. I was always uncomfortable that he could see everything I spent and never really treated myself or bought anything expensive.

After having children I was at home for a number of years. When I eventually went back to work I needed a utility bill to prove my ID. I found I wasn’t on any bills. He thought it was funny when I raised it and said it was just because he set up the accounts.

He now earns a lot more than me. Even my family allowance was treated as joint money and went into the joint account.

I have always felt uncomfortable but whenever I raised it it would always end in an atmosphere. He argues me into a corner with logic and I get confused at how I feel.

I inherited some money a couple of years ago and kept it separate. I have had some fabulous holidays with my friend using it and can buy what I want without feelig I have to ask permission. He says I have changed and that is the root of the breaking down of our relationship.

Essentially we just house share. I have never lived alone. I don’t know what things cost or how I could afford to live. I am also worried my children who are adults will blame me and I will lose them.

To any outsiders he appears a wonderful, kind person. He says I imagine things when I try to express how I feel. He says the image I have of him in my head is not the real him. I am totally confused, and am worried I’m going to end a relationship and regret it.

Is it my imagination?

[Lisa]

Hi Bwob,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting about your situation and experiences. I hope that you find the forum to be a space where you can share support with other women, learn more about domestic abuse, and feel more confident in recognising those dynamics in your relationship.

It’s not in your imagination. You have felt his control through the finances over the years, that’s apparent in your discomfort over him seeing how you’re spending money. That discomfort wouldn’t be there if he hadn’t in some way created it. That’s backed up by the fact that, when you have tried to talk to him about it, he argues you down and says that you imagine things. That’s emotional abuse.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (8am – 6pm weekdays and 10am – 6pm weekends/bank holidays). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you.

If you need any guidance on using the forum you can find this in the Forum Guidelines and FAQs. If they don’t answer your question then please feel free to message me.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa
(Forum Moderator)

[Bananaboat]

We lose the option of ‘choice’ in these situations. Ask yourself are you happy now? If the answer is no does it matter if he’s a great guy or not? And by the way he sounds like a classic controlling abuser but we get hung up (thanks to their manipulation) in that we need to justify leaving them or we’re making a mistake-  so many of us have said ‘well he didn’t do X’ or ‘well he’s good to me sometimes’ or have been dumbed down so much we wonder how we’ll cope or if his nasty words are true.

look at it another way – what if you stay, how would you feel in say 5 or 10 years time if life is just like it is now or worse? It’s not easy to leave, but I started with just imagining what I’d be doing if I had my own place in my head, and slowly but surely I worked towards that. There were hiccups along the way and steps backwards but I definitely do not regret leaving. There’s lots of sites like Turn2us and citizens advice that can help with any benefits or budgeting etc. x

[Bwob]

Thank you for your reply. One of my fears is because we live in a very expensive area when everything is split I won’t be able to stay near here, which is where my friends are. I would lose half the money I have kept to myself which I inherited and other than that we have no savings and still have a big mortgage. Apart from my children I have no family left.

 

[Marmalade]

Hi Bwob.

Please see a solicitor who can give you some advice on what will happen to the finances on a divorce. Look for a solicitor who practises family law. In order to make the most of the appointment make sure you have all your facts organised in advance ie income, assets, debts, pensions etc . Include anything you already know of his finances, but do not take risks finding out his information.

After a long marriage like yours the starting point will be a 50/50 split of assets and pensions. The solicitor will be able to give you a clear picture of what that means for you.

Yes you may have to move area. On divorce, both parties come out considerably poorer and will need to start again. It will all depend on how much there is to divide between you.

Good luck with navigating it all.

[Author]

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