Is it normal not to cry?

[Lifebegins]

Hi,

I’ve left not that long ago and I was just wondering if anyone has experience of not crying after they left? I think I’ve cried once and have an awful sick feeling pretty much every day with all the disentangling legally leaving takes, but no tears. Why is that?

At times I feel like I’m mourning the life I could’ve had with him if he wasn’t him. But I’m not mourning him. I’ve never thought ‘I wish he was here’. Feeling annoyed too that he’s making moves as a ‘single’ man already. Not sure if it’s jealousy or my pride. Reading about triangulation and I definitely think he’s a n********t so in my head I know there are no personal feelings for him, it’s just lining up his next victim and feathering his own nest. But it’s really p****d me off. Which is probably the desired effect. Or maybe he just doesn’t think about me at all and it’s just on to the next thing.

Anyway wanted to get it out there and see what you ladies think? I don’t want to waste my precious energy on it but I’ve felt consumed with my ‘feelings’ the last few days when I’ve got so much else to be getting on with. I’ve set up an appointment for counselling but this takes so long to come through…. xx

[Diverdi]

I haven’t.
I used to cry during every argument.
Then I stopped crying.
Then I’d cry when we made up after, disappointed that I still couldn’t stand up to him.
Now I ache in my chest sometimes, but mostly hoping to feel a justified anger sometime rather than confused and numb.

[Anonymous]

I don’t either Lifebegins, I’m pretty numb to be honest. At the beginning we cry for the life we were promised and the life we were living, then it’s almost like you grieve for the person that you thought you fell in love with, that doesn’t exist. And then we get over those emotions and get strong! This is the final chapter I believe. But having counselling and talking is a positive.

Don’t look back on your past life. You’re free. He’ll no doubt be making someone else’s life a misery until they wake up and see what this man is all about. Xx

[Camel]

I cried often when I was with him. I also had tears in my eyes the day I drove away, genuinely sad at what could have been. After that I never cried over him or ‘us’, not once.

I have to admit to a bit of facebook stalking later on. I wanted to see if he got back with the ex he cheated on me with (he didn’t). Or whether the girl after me stuck around (she didn’t). In fact, as soon as that brief relationship fizzled out (she unfriended him) he stopped updating his account.

I don’t think you’d be human if you didn’t feel a little bit jealous and peed off if he’s moved on. It probably is hurt pride too but there’s nothing wrong with that, no matter what they say. No one wants to feel insignificant, even to their abuser. It’s very soon for you so just go with the feelings and don’t worry about them too much. They will fade in time.

Incidentally, this is the time when abusers usually try to crawl back into your life. When you’re uncertain of what you feel. They’ll say what you want to hear (they’ve changed, they’ve missed you, can’t live without you, they’re sorry, blah blah blah.) Keep your guard up and contact at zero. xx

[Scottish Thistle]

He used to upset me with his behaviour and I would cry. Then a while before we separated I found d when he did things (chat girls up when he went out drinking, messaging them etc I found I didn’t care and stopped crying) when he would give me the silent treatment or one of his manic episodes where he would explode only to me and I would end up sleeping in the spare room he would message ‘are you crying through there, call me a baby and ask if I was happier sleeping there. I would ignore all those but it made me realise he was using my personality and actions against me so I managed to change myself and it has really annoyed him.
Since we have split I have only cried once and have felt similar to you. When I do cry now over his actions it’s crying with anger at him.

[RedGiraffe]

This also annoyed mine! When I became stronger! I used to do whatever, whenever he wanted… I’d defend him against anything and anyone (and often did) but as soon as I stopped and started standing up for myself that’s when the worst of his behaviour showed and made me open my eyes to what was happening!

[Hadit]

I feel the same…

It has been 13 days since it all happened im in ep acc..
I think I’ve cried so much for decades.. in the relationship that I have nothing left.. unless its survival mode kicking in…
Coz i never thought I would end up here.
The only thing which breaks my heart is the dogs I’ve left. The innocents..
I’m so angry that he was happy to throw our lives away and into chaos..
I possibly think you have those feelings too
When your so dejected by something/someone who you thought was your world..
Complete narc.. only caring for the image in the mirror.

Sad state.
Let me know your thoughts
Xxxxx

[RedGiraffe]

I used to cry all the time! Arguments, make ups, cried when I was scared,worried, anxious, I’d cry when he said something that hurt me, I’d cry when he did something that scared me!
When I said I didn’t want the relationship anymore there were no tears and that’s when I knew I was ready, I didn’t cry talking to him and I didn’t cry afterwards… I’ve only cried when I verbally spoke to someone to say we had split and even that was a few tears – nothing like I was expecting! And I haven’t cried since!

He is still living under the same roof so not sure if it’s going to come but… I just can’t find it in me to cry anymore, so much time I have cried and cried and it never mattered to him, never changed him and never made him feel sorry… I think I’m FINALLY done crying and it feels amazing!

[Anonymous]

I’d never give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry or that I was afraid.

Even now, many months out, I don’t cry. I think I’m just dead inside.

[Lifebegins]

Hi all, thanks for your responses. It’s really helped me to see I’m not unnatural- maybe I’ve just had enough of crying over him! And I’m going to do as advised and keep zero contact and off social media because that’s what is going to keep me strong and get me through this. It’s like giving up smoking. You know it’s bad for you. You miss it but that feeling lessens over time. But just one drag and you’re back feeding the addiction. Let him inflict his misery elsewhere. I don’t need to know about it!

I’ve actually kind of had an epiphany over the last day. Out of the blue, I’ve been the recipient of acts of kindness from a few different people and it’s had a big impact on me. Instead of looking backwards and focusing on the negatives of the past, I should be looking forward at the good stuff that’s in front of me. I might not feel like this tomorrow or the day after but that’s ok I’m going to enjoy it for today. 😀😀😀

This is such a great place to come and share. Thank you 🙏

[iliketea]

No tears here. Some of exhaustion and relief after the first 24 hours. Now just intense relief and wishing I’d done it years ago. Sad for what could have been but just relief I don’t have to live like that ever again. And sadness for the children, sad that they won’t ever have a happy family with both their parents but already we’ve had a lot of happiness with just the one. Yes I think it’s normal. It’s the red line. You got to it. After that it’s “no more” and your body knows crying isn’t needed anymore to help you through. Just strength now. And happiness, laughter and tears of joy not pain. Xx

[Sleepy]

I think sometimes the pain is just too deep.

[Balloons]

I didnt cry for ages, and i started to feel like something was weird about it. I felt like there was a big sadness there but it just never seemed to come. It was probably about 6 or 7 months afterward I did have a big cry, very cathartic, but mainly over the children and what could have been, and anger that he had done this and then blamed me for it all. I suppose its okay either way, I felt like i needed to cry and I couldn’t so it was a relief when I finally did. I started to worry that I would never be able to again and that part of me had just died. But I can totally get why some people just never do, I think our emotions are so exhausted by that point that there is just nothing more to give. I would try not to worry (like i did!!!)

Also @iliketea well done for getting out!! Hope you’re doing okay xx

[Wants To Help]

@lifebegins, I am so proud of you, you are doing so well and it’s good to read you are getting stronger and better each day. I never cried either, well, not that I can remember. I remember feeling relief that the relationship was finally over. I strongly remember my response feelings at the end of the (detail removed by Moderator) and that was a feeling of ’empty’. But ’empty’ is not crying is it?!

There were times when I was lonely too, especially when my son was with his Dad and I’d got no money so I couldn’t do things on my days to myself. I had to find things to do to stay busy or occupied, but I still didn’t cry. I had to adjust somehow to this new life of ‘aloneness’.

There’s a whole mixed bag of emotions to go through, but crying over him was not one of them.

@iliketea,so proud of you too 🙂

[Author]

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