Is it normal squabbles?

[LotusLeaf]

So firstly, all of the posts on here have been quite helpful, so thank you for sharing your experiences. I feel I might be a fraud when I read all of your stories, but I’d like an outsiders perspective as I am very confused and doubting myself.

We have had a significantly long marriage and children. There is no violence, but on one occasion I was grabbed and flung across the room because he thought I was (detail removed by moderator) (I was pointing at it, during an argument). He later agreed that wasn’t acceptable, but did play it down and used the (detail removed by moderator) excuse.
I have been wondering for a while if there is an element of control at play that I have somehow allowed to happen. And now I can’t unsee it.

The first major issue was a very big argument about me not wanting sex. I ended up apologising for making him feel unwanted and promised not to turn him down again. The next time the same argument happened, (its gone on for years since) he says its down to my lack of affection and not to mistake sex for affection. Even though I can point to all of the affectionate things I do/did, he wouldn’t have it, and it’s my belief that these arguments are really always about sex. He will not agree though.
The last time it happened, there was no expectation of anything intimate, but he’d (detail removed by moderator). And my reaction caused him to storm out, saying the same usual attacks about my lack of affection and not making him feel needed or wanted. I’ve always felt awful at the thought of making him feel this way. At the time however, I was going through a very significant life event and needed his support. But he stopped talking to me for days (not the first time he’s ignored me for days), until I had to break the silence and beg for his help. (Always me who breaks the silence) He backed down, but did say we’d still need to talk later and wouldn’t accept that he’d been unfair.

I do find that whenever I am unhappy about something, he never agrees or accepts my concerns and in some cases I end up apologising for something to him. He usually says I am overreacting. So I wonder if it’s just me and end up backing down to keep the peace.

As for money, I believe I have a lot of freedom, but I have been told off for very small purchases which were more than affordable, while he will spend thousands without discussion. He almost accepted that he should maybe discuss it first and then decided not, it wasn’t that big a deal. He hid my credit card, the only one that he doesn’t have access to the statements, and thought it was funny when I finally realised what he was up to. I now have it back. He is aware of and manages every penny, and questions me about the bank statement if he doesn’t recognise something, sometimes these are his transactions, and then he backs down very quickly. There is a regular payment into another account and he (detail removed by moderator), so the other account is always empty (it’s in my name only). But I also want for nothing.

He opens all of my post and accused me of being secretive when I asked him not to. He stopped for a while and then started again. I’ve got nothing to hide, but he doesn’t always tell me if I have any post and has denied receiving things in the past, even though it couldn’t be anyone else.

My concerns are always raised calmly and if I dare to raise my voice or sound angry I get a very hostile reaction, yet he gets very angry, insulting and nasty, name-calling etc. And I do feel as though he apologises in one breath and then takes it back in the next, so my concerns are just never resolved. Yet he says I am incapable of saying sorry or admitting when I’m wrong. It’s wearing me down. He says I do things that I don’t think are true but I keep wondering are they? Am I doing these things? As it is not my recollection. So I am doubting myself. (Trying not to give details)

This is not all of the time. We’ve had a very happy marriage. But I am looking back and thinking only because I bow down every few months when something comes up, just to keep the peace and avoid the silent treatment. Or am I overreacting? Is this just normal marriage squabbles?

He has managed in the past to stop me going out with friends and put barriers in the way to nights out or even afternoons, making it more difficult for me, and making me feel guilty every time. I usually pick carefully which events to go to and dread mentioning it. He often complains that I see my friends too much, even though he sees his friends more than I see mine. There’s a lot of ‘one rule for him’ situations…
Quite early in the relationship he got quite hostile when I mentioned I was going out and said ‘you mean ‘can I go out’?’, as if I should be asking permission. So this has been difficult to navigate over the years and is always spoilt by dread.

I feel like I’m complaining over not much when I read other stories, but I am seeing things very differently and seeing him very differently. I’m very shocked to find myself on this forum.

He rarely does any of this publicly. So I know people would be shocked.
We have had peace talks again recently, so everything is great right now, but as usual, and more than ever actually, he has stated that our recent problems are all my fault, he hasn’t changed or done anything wrong. If the marriage is to work then I need to put the work in, but agreed he can be stubborn. Not something I’ve ever called him. Admittedly, my behaviour towards him has changed, so I’m not surprised he’s noticed, but he doesn’t accept that any of his behaviour has led to this.

I feel like I could go on but I think this gives the gist. Your opinions would be greatly appreciated as I am going crazy trying to decide if this is acceptable. I have lost over a stone in weight this year due to the stress and anxiety I feel over this. I’ve been thoroughly checked by the NHS and there’s is definitely nothing physical wrong with me. Sorry this is so long!

[Wants To Help]

Hi Lotusleaf,

You are describing a very controlling relationship with some violence. The incident you described (which has now been redacted) was an incident of violence towards you that he has managed to convince you was justified. This comes under the Monopolised Perception part of controlling and coercive behaviours. If he had concerns that the particular item was going to be damaged he could have grabbed that and moved it away, but instead he chose to use force against you. There are a lot of concerns in the behaviours you describe.

Here are some quotes that might help you see things more clearly.

“People don’t wanna hear this but: words not matching actions is called manipulating, and refusing to be held accountable is called gaslighting.”

“Standing up for yourself does not mean you are starting trouble. Don’t allow abusers to manipulate you into believing you are argumentative. You have a right to express yourself without always being shut down.”

“Most people have no clue hidden abuse is taking place right under their noses. It is being perpetrated by individuals who would never be suspected of being abusers. The concealed nature of this harm is what leaves its targets devastated.”

“Any time you tell an abuser how you feel, they take offence. You are not allowed to express your feelings, they take it like you are judging them.”

“Confront a manipulator about what they did wrong and watch them make it about you.”

You are always trying to keep the peace in this relationship and it is exhausting you. This comes under the CCB header of Induce Debility and Exhaustion. It is designed to make you feel you are going crazy and that if you don’t even know how to begin to explain what is going on then how the hell is anyone else going to believe you?! This relationship is affecting your mental health, and he will use that as a reason to hold you accountable for any problems in the relationship. You will never win, you are caught in a downward spiral and your mental health becomes worse, leading to loss of self confidence, loss of self esteem, loss of self worth.

One of the biggest clues he is abusive is because he doesn’t do this publicly. He knows what he is doing is wrong, that’s why there are never any witnesses to how badly he treats you. He’s an amazing man to everyone else, that’s what he wants to portray, that way, he can get other people to turn on you too and feel sorry for what he ‘has to put up with.’

You are starting to see him though and you are getting wise to this. He is seeing a change in you, so be careful now, this is a time when things can get worse.

[LotusLeaf]

Thank you. You have given me a lot to think about. Not really what I was hoping to hear, but probably confirmed my feelings.

[Lisa]

Hi LotusLeaf,

I can see Wants To Help has offered some good support, bringing insight and another perspective.
Understandably, this can leave you with many mixed emotions, so know you can always speak to your local domestic abuse service if you ever want to proceed with more emotional or practical help. It may be useful to keep talking to a trained professional just to get clarity on what you may want to do moving forward.

Keep posting and take care,

Lisa

[Watersprite]

It’s so hard to face the truth. We don’t want to admit it we don’t want to believe it could happen to us we don’t want to face what that will mean to our futures. Google cognitive dissonance. I agree this is abuse and for me the violence increased as he realised I was beginning to see it was wrong how he treated me. In the end we fled for our lives – so please take care of yourself as the blinkers come off. It’s a hard time but a step to a better future – you are here on this forum for a reason. Good spells are designed to keep us where they want us and make us question our judgement. Keep reading and posting – so many of us have been in your position. Support is out there for you x

[Eyesopening]

Hey,
I lost 5 stone after leaving my abuser. They truly mess with our minds, spirit & body, we are mentally captured by them.
It was 2 years after I first spoke to WA who told me he was abusive that I managed to leave. I was so overwhelmed, I couldn’t believe it was true. I kind of shoved it under the rug for a while, then a year later I was desperate to leave. I sent alot of my things back to my parents, slowly secretly, I tried to leave 3 times. Always went back, unable to believe he really was abusive and the trauma bond taking me back. 4th time I did it because I was so unhealthy living with him. I didn’t really think about weather he was abusive or not by then, I just knew how much damage was being done to me, mentally and physically. Months out I still am not 100% sure, that yes he was abusive, I still have moments of doubt. But I now start to realize he was abusive for a fact.
My health is coming back now I am away.
I am telling you this, to show you, that it takes years to come to terms with, it’s a painful and long process. But when you turn the focus to yourself, it makes it easier. Are you thriving, supported, healthy in this relationship?
x*x

[Anonymous]

Hi LotusLeaf,

Very interested to read your post and responses as I am currently in a very similar situation. So much of what you shared sounds so familiar, with the exception of any financial control at all.

I have been advised by a counsellor that there is emotional abuse going on and the relationship is toxic, but I’m very much at the stage of disbelief. In particular, I am fairly sure that he doesn’t realise the impact of his actions and thus can’t believe that the intent is manipulation or control.

Keep strong; I hope everything works out for you.

[Author]

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