Is it normal to still think about this

[Wnmdm]

Hello,

When I was (detail removed by Moderator) I was in an abusive relationship for around (detail removed by Moderator) years, there was an incident where he violently raped me. I am now (detail removed by Moderator) and been with my husband for (detail removed by Moderator) years and married for (detail removed by Moderator), new husband is perfect – treats me very well and we love each other very much. But every so often when my mental health is bad I will think back to what happened, in particular the rape. I don’t know what triggers it. My husband doesn’t know much about my ex, just that it wasn’t a good relationship. And to be honest I feel stupid even bringing it up, because it was so long ago, in all honestly I have gone years hardly thinking about what happened but the last (detail removed by Moderator) it comes to me more and I can’t stop thinking about it. Ive had nightmares for a long time, which come randomly – more so when I’m sad. I don’t remember what happens in the dreams but I wake myself up crying out for help, or wake my husband. Sorry this is so long winded but I wondered if anyone else had a long period of “being ok” and then suddenly feel as though it happened yesterday. Thanks in advance xx

[KIP.]

Please talk to your GP. You can go for years feeling ‘ok’ but trauma has a habit of coming back unless it’s dealt with by good therapy. Think back a couple of years and think about any major incident that may have triggered all this. New trauma can often trigger old unresolved trauma. Anything from child birth to an accident. With therapy you can overcome this. I also reported my ex to the police and it empowered me and gave me back my confidence. Talk to rape crisis on their helpline too. The Body Keeps The Score is a good book about trauma. There’s help out there and we have come a long way to understand trauma and PTSD X

[Wnmdm]

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply KIP! There’s nothing that I can think of that could be classed as new trauma, however I did move away from my friends and family for my husbands work, around (detail removed by Moderator) months ago, I’ve struggled to make any friends here and have been alone with my thoughts a lot so I wonder if that has played a part.
I’ve referred myself online for NHS counselling, so that’s a step in the right direction. I haven’t spoken to anyone about this, I initially told one person when it first happened but we’re no longer in touch.
Sometimes I think I’ve imagined it, because it was never really validated for me, if that makes sense. Although having said that I wouldn’t feel comfortable reporting him to the police, I stayed with him for another (detail removed by Moderator) months after he raped me and I look back myself and think why did I stay! So I don’t want to even think what the police would say about me. Thank you so much for the book recommendation, I will be buying it. I think even just talking about this now is helping slightly in a strange way. Xx

[KIP.]

Abuse thrives on silence and keeping it a secret is very destructive internally. It can show as depression so I’d urge you to talk to a professional. My ex raped me only after a few dates and I went on to marry him. There’s so much more understanding now as to why we stay in abusive relationships. The rape crisis helpline is fantastic. You might want to look at Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven which is all about abusers and abusive relationships. For me I needed to understand the psychology behind it all too and have managed to come to terms with the abuse. I moved on quickly from my ex but not from the trauma he left me with. It’s been several years now of therapy and I still have trauma days where I’m triggered. Things associated with the abuse and the rapes. Aftershave, heavy footsteps. Lockdown has been awful for many women with mental health injuries bringing back feelings of helplessness and loss of control. Perhaps that has triggered these emotions for you. Therapy is fascinating and I’ve learned so much about myself and it’s helped me move on in a healthy way with boundaries I never had before. I also did a psychology course too. It’s Me Mark 2. 😁

[Wnmdm]

Thank you, I’ll check that book out! I think learning about the physiology behind it would definitely help me. I’m so glad it helped you! I’m trying to work out what my triggers are and I think you’re right about lockdown, I do overthink things a lot more – which I guess is normal in the current climate but not healthy if I’m constantly thinking about this. Part of me thinks it would be helpful to tell my husband, so he can understand me better but another part of me thinks I shouldn’t talk about it. Xx

[hop]

If you haven’t processed the event it can be anything that brings it back; a smell , a sound……the change of the seasons winter-spring does something to me and u dont know why. Emdr therapy is amazing to process complex trauma but you’d have to speak to someone. Where I live to can refer yourself to mental health therapies but I’m sure that’s not the same everywhere. Take care lovely one 💙 you’ve been through so much x

[Wnmdm]

Thank you! I have referred myself for counselling, so hopefully that will help. I’m not sure what my trigger are, I’ve watched films with rape in and although it reminded me of what happened it didn’t trigger me as such. But there are times where I’m triggered by “something” that cause me to have a full blown melt down, and I am constantly remembering what happened and forcing myself to relive it. I spent the weekend upset in bed and angry with my husband for no reason, I just had the urge to leave him even though he’d done nothing wrong. Xx

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