Is it okay to be told not to speak

[Shecando]

There’s a lot of things my husband does to upset me but the worst is he will say things like who asked you to pipe up, enough now , no follow ups , it would be better if you didn’t say anything , who invited you to speak

I’m not sure it’s nice to shut people down when they’re speaking , it’s usually when I try to defend myself and he doesn’t like it

he will say ‘ suppose we have to look at your forlorn face now , acting the victim.’

He tells family members I can have a nice conversation with everyone else and not him which embarrasses me

I don’t think that is true it’s just his perception of a conversation with me is me listening and accepting everything he has to say . His usual way to tell me off is by sending my long text messages about my downfalls over the tiniest thing . Everything in his life is due to me apparently . He only reacts to my actions so in other words he can react in a grumpy and angry way because it’s my fault for what I’ve said

He tells me to pipe down

once he shouted in my ear and when I said about it he said he didn’t and if I thought he did I’m a liar

I just find his tone very stern and unforgiving and not sure what it is I’ve done to hi

if I say I can’t find something he says I’m being awkward and I know exactly where it is

he says I act hard done by if I look a bit sad

 

pls reply as no one usually does

[lover of no contact]

Hi Shecando,

It’s great you posted. The support is essential. These guys are too much to deal with on our own. There’s no rhyme or reason to what they say or do. No matter what we do we can never win. Their agenda is to make us feel bad about ourselves. To weaken us and disempower us, one day at a time. They have a sick personality. Very little hope for them, they are left with their own twisted selves until the day they die. We however can get away from them, it’s not easy but the process can start by coming on here. Contact with them weakens us and strengthens them and when we go No Contact with them we become stronger and they weaken until they get their next target.

What comes out of his mouth is to upset you and drag you down. He knows you’re confused, upset and hurt and he gets a power hit out of this. They don’t operate normally like us with empathy. Keep posting on here all your thoughts and feelings to maintain your strength.

[Indeepindance]

Shecando,

It’s horrible to be shut down verbally like that, I experienced similar in the last few months of my relationship and it was like a stake through the heart, was rendered powerless, hurt and frustrated but it also made me super angry.

I was told ‘don’t answer back’ as if I was a child and ‘pipe down” came out of his mouth one time and I was so shocked and incensed, I think the only reason I didn’t fly at him was because we had someone else in the car at the time who needed protecting.

Same as you it was usually when trying to defend myself against some unfairness, or just trying to join the ‘conversation’ especially if it was about me and what I’ve ‘done, am thinking, feeling, or why’!!

And omg yes being told you’re being a victim after being verbally assaulted is the pits, I totally verify your experience, you know it’s not right, you can feel it.

My ex was also very loud in my ear weirdly and whenever I told him he’d just ignore me so I’d put my finger in my ear, which he also ignored. Yet I was frequently told I was too loud so would have to go quiet.

And they never consider how they’re affecting us but we constantly reflect on what they’ve said about us, and try to improve, don’t we?

It’s unacceptable what he’s doing to you, rage making or soul destroying, I remember it well. I hope you find your solution or escape.

Xxxxx

[Shecando]

Thank you both for responding

it means a lot and I am grateful to you/

 

the blame is also the killer

we have a son with SEN needs .when he struggles my husband  says it’s my fault , that he’s seen me in action when in reality he disappears to play his hobby when the going gets tough or plans even more weekends away and I am left to deal with it but he says I’ve brought it all on myself which I find cruel .
I can be in tears and he can still continue with his blame and shows no empathy.

If I try to stick up for myself he comments that I’m getting all big and hard

this so no way to speak to your wife

he too told me not to answer back when we were away as a family for my (detail removed by Moderator) birthday , my stomach churned like mad and I felt like I’d been knifed in the heart

i was simply responding to something he had done
he doesn’t like being wrong , says I love am argument when that couldnt  be further from the truth.
he seems to have no problem criticising , calling me out , humiliating me in front of people and telling others how I make him feel , interestingly when I have mwnionted there are things I would like to talk about he has said what could you possibly have to talk about , you’re the least hard done by person I know
he ranted (detail removed by Moderator) as our son was having  a meltdown and hiding and of course it was my  fault , I suggested he look up his sons condition and he says he doesn’t need to and I’ve made it worse
his facts are not to be argued with , his word is not to be argued with and to really put it into context t he is fast asleep after cross words and him shouting and I’m awake having sorted out son and tearful.

[Happybelle]

The fact that you’re here and posted that says that you already know it is wrong. Horrible man and it all starts with the verbal.

extract yourself at the earliest moment you feel able x

[Shecando]

Thank you

I do know it is wrong

the latest is being told off and berated via message over not telling him correctly where an item was that he was treating to find . The text messages were verbally abusive

he proceeded to tell me he would be ringing me to talk about things , as always he talked and I had to listen

said he was moving into the spare room as sick of me having nice conversations with everyone but him . It just isn’t true : he also said if I was receiving what he is it would be called abuse . I have learned today from a support network that abusers switch it to look like they’re being abused .
he sent me another text asking to me to clear the spare room , I just said it would take time ; he didn’t like that and wanted to me acknowledge all my wrong doings instead . I said we could do with a chat and he said there’s no point as I twist and turn everything whereas I actually never get the chance to really say my thoughts , part of me is scared to do that anyway

 

so where do I go from here – carry on like I usually do , I don’t want to leave my beautiful home

[Author]

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