Is it psychological abuse, or my fault?

[Pittabreadcat]

I’m not really sure where to begin with this. I suspect my husband may (removed by Moderator) and that I have been the subject of his emotional manipulation and gaslighting for years. However, I am scared that this is all in my head and that the problems in the relationship were actually my fault (at least in part).

I am currently in the process of separating from him. He is still living with me until he gets a new council house, but he has a new girlfriend.

It’s so hard to tell whether it’s abuse or not because my husband can be loving and adoring and supportive. We have definitely had happy times together and in those moments, our marriage was blissful and felt perfect. I felt lucky to have found such a caring guy. But it’s a bit like Jekyll and Hyde. Everything can be great as long as I don’t push any buttons or say the wrong thing. The problem is, I don’t seem to know what the buttons are, or how to push them.

If I cross a line somewhere, my husband can get very angry and overly defensive about things. He acts like I am attacking him if I bring up an issue (like him not picking up his laundry, or him spending too much money). It doesn’t seem to matter how gently I broach the subject or how much I try to minimise the blame, he always acts like I have launched a full-on assault against him. Over the years, I have learned not to even mention money, I just deal with any issues (missed bill payments, etc.) behind the scenes. It got to the point that I would begrudge spending anything on myself for something non-essential (and even sometimes for things that were essential).

I have always tried to be loyal and supportive of my husband, even crossing some of my own ethical boundaries in support of him (e.g. knowing he was doing something wrong/nasty to someone, but defending him anyway because it was my job as his wife to support him and protect him).

If he blames me for something, it hurts, but I always try to see his perspective and will try to augment my behaviour accordingly. However, if I try to defend my actions in any way or explain why I act like this, he says I am just making excuses so that I can’t be blamed for anything. I don’t feel like this is true, but I don’t know. Maybe he genuinely feels like that.

One problem that stemmed from me was the lack of sex in our marriage. I have really struggled over the years to get out of my own head during sex. (timeframe removed by Moderator), I had a miscarriage and became scared of getting pregnant in case the same thing happened again. Even with protection, I found it impossible to relax enough to enjoy sex. Of course, I realise this has a big impact on my husband. I did try to push through that and have sex anyway, for my husband’s sake, but he could tell I wasn’t into it and got annoyed at me sometimes.

A few years ago, my husband had a relationship with someone online. He told me about it from the word go, but didn’t stop talking to her. He said that it wasn’t cheating because they weren’t having sex. I felt like it was cheating, but him saying that cast doubt in my mind. It absolutely destroyed me, but I didn’t want to leave at that point because my mental health was bad (I was signed off work). The relationship continued online/by phone for a few months before my husband decided he just wanted to be with me. We both decided to work harder on our marriage, but it severely damaged my trust in him.

I am very close to his mum, but she keeps saying things to the effect of ‘it takes two to tango’ when talking about the problems we had in our relationship. This makes me feel like it must be partly my fault for everything. I don’t feel like this is true, but I know I let him away with things that weren’t okay. Does that make it my fault?

I really just need some outside perspective on this. I am willing to work on myself if it’s me, but I just want to figure out the truth – does this sound like abuse?

[YellowTedBath]

This does sound like emotional abuse to me and very controlling. He has no right to have demanded sex from you. If you felt frightened of him as well as the miscarriage that would understandably impact your desire to be intimate. Plus the online affair showed he is untrustworthy. His mum is likely to be highly biased and I would not seek advice from her in any instance.

Sorry you are going through this. It’s very confusing and you may need some professional help to deal with your feelings.  I have found listening to podcasts about emotional abuse very helpful to me personally. You are not alone in feeling this way.

[Pittabreadcat]

Hi, thanks so much for responding, I really appreciate any support I can get at the moment.

Just to clarify, he didn’t demand sex, he could be very understanding sometimes, but also made it clear that sex was a big part of relationships. He also occasionally made comments that he felt my reluctance must be due to me not feeling attracted to him, which was not true. I tried to explain this to him, but he still felt rejected. I then tried harder to have sex with him so he didn’t feel like this. I’m not sure if that was manipulation or just me feeling guilty. (Also, I forgot to mention in my original post that I am on medication which has also had a big impact on my libido).

I know it might seem silly to talk to his mum, but she has actually been very supportive of me through everything, I think she just doesn’t want to see the bad in her son, which I understand. I guess I’m trying to figure out if it always ‘takes two to tango’ when a relationship goes wrong? Other than the sex thing, the only thing I feel like I have done wrong is either a) let him away with things, or b) not pushed him hard enough to get him to help with things (like housework).

Thanks again for reaching out, it means a lot.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

It does sound abusive.

It sounds like he has a really clear framework that he’s constructed, about how you can behave. Like a framework of ‘rules’.
When you step outside that framework in any way, you’re punished.

Because this false framework doesn’t really have anything to do with you, you are confused and don’t know when you are getting it right or wrong.
He made up the rules, and so it’s only him who knows when you’ve broken them or not.

Maybe he even just changes them, depending on how he’s feeling, so, actually, there’s no way that you’ll ever understand the rule book, because it’s changing all the time.
It’s ok to chat with a guy when it’s his work colleague, or someone he wants to impress, for example, but completely out of order to chat to a guy who you’ve met through a friend and share a hobby with.
This manipulation and forcing you to live by his rulebook won’t end because the relationship has ended.

Maybe the new girlfriend is also a punishment for you?

If course he will be extremely  charming and a good partner at times. If he was nasty all the time you wouldn’t have ever got involved.

 

[Pittabreadcat]

Hi, thank you so much for this, your response is very insightful. I think you may be right about him changing the rules. It feels like I can do something at one point and it’s fine, then I do the same thing another day and he loses the rag with me. (I don’t think I clarified in my original post, but my husband has never physically abused me, I feel like he has conditioned me over time to behave a certain way and that he uses guilt-tripping to get his own way).

I am hoping that because I can see the manipulation now, he may not be able to wield it as well against me once he moves out, but I know I find it hard to say no to him if he asks for something directly. The problem is that we have a daughter together and I will need to see him, however briefly, for handovers. I am also very close to his parents and would like to maintain this relationship if possible (if for no other reason than the fact that he manipulates them too and I know they need support).

You make a very interesting point about the new girlfriend. He seems exceptionally happy with her, which I think is genuine, but he also likes to tell me just how perfect she is and how he is happier than he has been in years. He says it’s not personal, and I tell him I am happy for him, but I wouldn’t be shocked if it’s a tactic to devalue me.

Thanks again for getting back to me, take care x

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I hope things go well for you and I hope he moves out soon.

When I hear that he is flaunting his ‘new relationship’ in your face and telling you how fantastic it is and then saying “it’s nothing personal” it makes my blood run cold.

It is personal, very. A repeat of exactly what he did to you before with the internet relationship. But this time it’s close to home and he can really rub your nose in it.

Do you think he will get a council house? Do you think that a single guy will be at the top of the Council’s priority list?

Have the Council given you any inkling of when this might happen? Can you chase this up?
What are his plans if the Council don’t offer him a place in the next few weeks?

[Pittabreadcat]

The relationship flaunting hurts, but I’m doing my best not to show it’s affecting me. Instead, I just smile and say I am happy he has found someone who makes him so happy. I don’t want him to think it bothers me, especially if that’s what he wants. I am mentally stronger than I used to be and I am starting to see my own worth again, but it’s still hard some days.

The council have a house available for him, we have known about it for a few months now, but it needed some big repairs, so we have had to wait while they got it sorted. As far as I can tell, it’s almost ready now, so it’s just a case of waiting for them to hand over the keys, which I am hoping should be in the next week or so. (He got the offer quicker because he was due to have our daughter living with him at weekends).

When we split, we agreed to do it amicably, for the sake of our daughter, and things were really good for a while (he helped out more around the house, was generally nicer), but recently turned sour, and although we are on speaking terms now, I just want him gone. I am pursuing a divorce under mutual agreement grounds, but because he is still living with me, I have little evidence of the split, so I have to wait another few months until it has been a year since we split our benefits. I can’t bring myself to pursue it under DA grounds because I think that would stir things up and make him angry at me.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

It’s really good news that there is a house available for him soon. It sounds like that will make your immediate problems with him easier and give you some time to start to heal.
It’s difficult to say but he does sound very manipulative from what you’ve said, and he probably will continue to be even though you’re not living together.

The reaction from his Mum is very normal, lots of people say these kinds of things ( it takes two to tango), and while they may be well meaning, it can be incredibly damaging for those of us in abusive relationships because it really doesn’t work like that. Often we’re in a situation where we simply cannot win, and are dealing with people who have set the odds from the start so that we lose. No matter what we do it will be wrong and it’s not a fair fight by any means.
This kind of self questioning certainly kept me trapped for a very long time in my relationship, and I look back on it with sadness and wish I’d realised earlier what was going on. So, there’s no need to lose contact with his parents if you feel they are a great support to you, but just be very wary and understand that you’re not dealing with a normal relationship here and the same rules don’t apply. There have been, over the weeks some really fascinating threads on this forum about exactly this subject…so don’t feel that you’re alone in this..lots of us have definitely been there and understand how damaging those kind of comments can be!

 

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