Is it sexual abuse – confused ?

[Stuckinturmoil]

After working all day, walking the dog, cleaning the bathroom hoovering and making tea I was shattered. when at bed time I knew my husband wanted sex I said whilst he was in the bathroom. I do not want sex. I know I don’t need a reason but it was because it was late and I thought why should he get sex when he has done nothing to help me today. Sometimes I don’t like him touching me either. Anyway he got in bed and started touching me. I did not join in at all I even turned my head away when he tried to kiss me. But he just carried on. I had already said I didn’t want it and he knew from my body language I was uncomfortable. Am I meant to be shouting at him to stop? I didn’t want an argument.

[Anonymous]

Hi,

I’m sorry to say this but yes it is rape. The moment you no longer consent. You didn’t consent at the start and during. Even if your were having the time of your life during sex and decided to stop half way. If you say no and the other person continues that’s rape. Rape is portrayed as screaming kicking and fighting off the perpetrator. Unfortunately alot of rape comes in the form of gentle intimacy confusing the victim. Into thinking its a healthy sexual experience. What you’ve described is rape. I am so sorry that you had to go through this. Sexual coercion also comes to mind when reading your post. You mention you didn’t want to start a argument for whatever reason it would lead to. Coercion is tactics used by someone to make the other person do something against their will. Thinking of you today.

[Eyesopening]

Hey,
I’m sorry, yes it is.
Your message really brought back memories and reminded me as to why I left..

This is a good long post, you can see how many people experience something similar

At what point does giving into sex to keep the peace become rape?

[nbumblebee]

Gosh I read your post and thought yes yes it is abuse. Then i thought about my own marriage and how many times that happens to me he always wants sex i always say no he pushes and pushes and even get nasty if i continue to say no really nasty. I even told him a few times that i dont want sex amd he has had it anyway.
Its hard to see this as rape or abuse when it happens to you isnt it? To me its just normal its how my marriage is looking at you and your situation its not right its abuse and it has to stop. I totally get how hard it is to accept I really do. Stay safe sweetie xxxx

[Stuckinturmoil]

Many thanks for your comments.

Chickadee. I didn’t withhold sex as a punishment I just didn’t want to do it with a man who is only half nice to me when he wants sex. And basically is mean to me on a daily basis. The added insult to injury was that he hadn’t lifted a finger to help with anything all day. But even then he still took what he wanted.

I don’t know who you are but even I know a woman has a right to say no for whatever reason she wants. My issue was should I have said no more than once.

Maybe your reverse psychology has in fact worked as I now feel even more used and disgusted that he carried on taking what he knew I didn’t want.

[Eyesopening]

Stuckinturmoil i would bet that every women here has been in the exact same position as you. Check out the link i sent, many women have opened up about their sexual abuse experiences there. Sexual abuse is a deep wound abuser inflict onto us.
You did all you could do, I couldn’t even say no, I was afraid of him so I didn’t even want to try. We are not to blame, the abusers are. They know full well if we want it or not. Mine would say he could read me like a book. Not during sex though apparently.
Your story really struck me as its exactly the same thing I experienced, i worked all day, i paid all bills whilst he sat on the couch, i shopped, cooked, washed up, cleaned, took the dog for a walk, cleaned the house if i had any energy. He would always ask if we are having sex when he could tell i had worked hard all day and never got one minute to sit down for me and relax. He did it for pleasure, he liked seeing me squirm and be uncomfortable when he asked this. Sometimes i would say no I’m tired i did so much today and he would leave me alone. But if I didn’t have that excuse there was no saying no.
Even if i said no he would pressurize me, sulk all day, it was brainwashing, i knew if I didn’t give him sex i would have an angry man to deal with.
But all the blame and shame is on his side.
Keep reaching out and researching, knowledge is power
X*x

[Stuckinturmoil]

Thanks Eyesopening.
I just feel guilty for making out there is sexual abuse but there is. He has always done it for decades.

I care about him and it hurts me to say he is sexually abusing me. He hates anything to do with rape. (Detail removed by moderator) so I know he would be horrified to think I think of him as a sexual abuser. But he honestly constantly pressures me for sex. It sickens me. Because he can be so mean to me it’s the last thing I want to do. I feel ugly most the time as he never says I look nice and we are constantly arguing. I need to get out but after such a long marriage and children I am so worried I am making a mistake.

[Eyesopening]

Hey,
I understand. Let the guilt run through you and out, I felt terrible guilt but it does leave with time. Keep the focus on you, what do you think, what do you feel? Don’t worry about what he thinks. He is probably not worrying about what you think or feel.

It’s extremely painful to realise that someone who should love and protect us is not treating us properly.
Be very cautious about what he says. I am reading a book called Boundaries after pathological abuse(I strongly recommend it). One boundary they suggest is: ‘I will believe actions over words, every time’
I think it’s extremely true when dealing with abusers particularly.
I remember my ex, going on and on about someone we knew who was beating his wife, he would talk about it infront of other people saying how bad it was, how he can’t believe it, he would never do that. He never hit me no, he looked like he wanted to sometimes and after I left, told me he did hit his exes. (he learnt it wasn’t the right thing to do because they left him – so he abused me in other ways)
He would do the same if a man was hitting a women on TV, he would always point it out and say ‘I would never do this to you’ – (every single time) like really trying to make a big point of it.
Their motives may not be obvious at first. But perhaps your partners motive is to differentiate what he is doing to you, with what you are seeing on TV.
Like my partners motives where trying to get me to think he is amazing and does no wrong, to completely disregard the emotional, phycological, financial abuse – because he was physical.

I am living with my parents now and they are quite elderly, my dad has abusive episodes still sometimes, it’s really sad to still see them going through the same cycles, to see my poor mum looking so drained and sad after he has had an angry episode. It makes me realise how lucky i am i got out and i feel bad for my mum for not getting out. I do not know if she did the right or wrong thing. But it’s something to think about, do you want this life for the rest of your life? x*x

[Stuckinturmoil]

Thanks eyesopening. That’s what worries me. I told him today I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with him. Which is true. I really don’t want to spend the second half of my life being yelled at and put down daily. On eggshells waiting for the next outburst. But it’s so hard as for a couple of hours he will be nice -ish

He constantly turns things round saying I am the bully. Then I spend the whole evening thinking am I wracking my brains as to how I could be a bully.

[Eyesopening]

I understand. Thats his aim, to make you feel crazy and confused so your feel stuck. Stuck in the FOG of fear, obligation & guilt.
Not sure if its been suggested yet that you read Why does he do that?
Xx

[Jedi warrior]

Hi can totally relate to you ladies I left a long marriage and struggle with guilt for leaving trying to come to terms with and often doubting was there sexual abuse even though councilling has shown me there was but I livid with his behaviour for years so difficult to accept and also that I put up with it for so long pressured daily sometimes anger slamming doors if I said I’m too tired silent treatment ….nasty comments would pressure until I gave in used to feel anxious when I heard him coming to bed knowing he was expecting sex ..would make it known all day especially if he’d helped me or done things I needed help with..I’m now in a healthy relationship and wow I’m finally starting to realise how things should be !

[Mini]

Thanks everyone for sharing. I’ve had my first experience of my husband being nasty to me after saying no to sex, claiming that I constantly reject him. He is now saying that our marriage is over. I started to wish I’d said yes, but you have helped me realise that isn’t the answer.

[Author]

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