Is it sexual abuse?

[Lovetravel]

I am unsure how to word this but basically I have recently ended an abusive relationship and now that I am thinking of everything that happened during our time together I am wondering if I was raped???
I know I was beat up, locked in rooms and manipulated but this is a tricky one and I want to be sure for my own sanity.

Now there was a couple of issues sexually, firstly, I didn’t enjoy it to be honest. We could go for long periods of time not doing it and every time i said no he would turn his back on me and get all angry and when I said I would try and make more of an effort to want to do it he told me that it would just feel like he was raping me and it was like regardless of what I done to try and fix it or explain that i just didn’t like it he was upset with me. Sometimes he got really angry and would tell me how his friends who are single have sex more than him and that it’s wrong that I’m not attracted to him.

Secondly. Basically he loved anal and I wasn’t sure but was happy to try and see if I liked it, I did a couple of times and that was fine, didn’t like it but wasn’t an issue trying it.

After that he kept wanting to do it again. He stopped asking before sex and starting asking during sex, then he starting just doing it without even asking and I would always say ‘no no no’ over and over! He would say ‘it’s ok, it’s ok’ and either I would say ‘ok fine’ and let him or I would say nothing and still let him.

I’m so unsure what to think of this as sometimes I would say ok, I didn’t want to but I know that’s consent. and the times I said nothing, well I wasn’t exactly doing much to stop it.

Has anyone experienced anything like this? I always pictured rape in a more brutal way! Not like this.
Can anyone help me answer my question?

Thank you for reading

[Escapee]

Hey lovetravel,

I’m wondering the same thing, in fact mines practically the same as your situation.

Mine also pressured me to walk around all day in ‘sexy’ stuff and he was always saying ‘arent you going to get your t**s out then’. There’s other stuff but I’m sure you get my drift!

I’ve kind of decided that it’s sexual coersion – it’s definitely insidious and abusive.

I’m going through the same process as you and realising just how abusive he was/is. I also worry that because I have been with him so long, I have picked up some of his behaviour – it is something I will definitely talk to a therapist about.

I’ll be really interesting to hear what others think xx

[KIP.]

I think in terms of the law. The police would ask him to explain how your consent was given? Could he explain this? Your consent must be given without fear of the consequences of refusal or without coercion. There’s a great video from Thames Valley Police around consent. I think it’s called A Cup Of Tea. Check it out.

[Flowerchild]

No, not sexual abuse, Lovetravel, darling. When you said “No, no, no,” and he said “It’s OK,” and persisted until you said yes or just gave up and went quiet, that was rape.

Rape doesn’t have to be a stranger in a dark alley. Rape is penetration without consent. So yeah, he’s a rapist. Not nice. Not what you were entitled to expect from someone who was supposed to love and cherish you. Not what you deserved, darling.

None of this was your fault. I’m so sorry you experienced this. There is help out there to support you through your recovery. If you decide to report him, there is support for you to do that, too. You are not alone.

Flower x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi ladies, plain and simple it’s rape. When the perpetrator coerces you into giving in, so you can get to sleep, won’t take no for an answer, does it anyway regardless of what you want that is rape. It doesn’t matter that your body reacts to what he does, our body always lets us down, it’s only Chemical reactions at the end of the day. Without the desire to have sex with your partner , he’s taking something without your consent. You give in, in order for you to be safe, we do what we do to survive. It’s such a complex area but basically no means no. If a man says no, that’s the end of the discussion. When a woman says no, a man sees that as a challenge, you really mean yes, or the classic, see I knew you wanted it all along. Rape isn’t being dragged into a wood or dark secluded area , it happens in our own homes as does inappropriate touching just because your his, he gets to grope and touch because he gets away with it. By the time you’re sick to the back teeth being treated like a piece of meat, he genuinely is like wait a minute you’ve never complained before and you’re like yes I have, you’ve just not listened. We’re listening, we hear you.
IWMB 💞💞

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