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Bit of a long one, but I hope that doesn’t put people off reading and helping.
I started my relationship (detail removed by Moderator) years ago. He was lovely for only a short time. Then he went straight in with the violence. Had to go to hospital (detail removed by Moderator), strangled me till I passed out. Smashed up my things, punched holes in walls and doors. I was scared for my life if I left him. The love I have for him was built on fear nothing more.
One day I started sticking up for my self. Started fighting back. Explaining how it was wrong. The violence stopped.
Brilliant I thought. This took about (detail removed by Moderator) years tho.
But it’s still not right, he is lovely for a few weeks, will do anything for me. Then I say or do something that sets him off. He screams, shouts, calls me all sorts of names, can still at times break things, punch things. He talks to the kids that way too. But then he says sorry but I know how to push his buttons. It won’t happen again. He will do this and that. Then again for a few weeks he’s wonderful. Can’t fault him. Then it all happens again. But he doesn’t actually touch me anymore. So surely this is a good thing and things are better. And like he says I should be happy because he doesn’t do that anymore which shows he try’s. And reminding me how wonderful things have been and we can get back to that again. Which we do every time. But every time it happens again.
I can’t forgive him for the way he used to be, so is it my fault we still have these issues. Is this now not DV because he’s better than he used to be.
I just don’t understand anything anymore.
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Hello my beautiful angel… timemachine
That’s amazing that he has stopped hitting you but please understand there are lots of different forms of abuse and for you to even write your post you must know deep down that this is unacceptable behaviour… what would you tell your children in the same situation?!
I believe you have such an inner strength that you stood up to him before and he knows this, you just need to start working on and building up this inner power again.
His behaviour will come from a place of fear and because you got so strong last time he knowns you are more than capable of leaving him and doing better for yourself.
Please my darling build on that inner strength for a better life for you and your children.
Sending you love and support xx -
Thank you Darcy. But I’m really not that strong. I have allowed my children to suffer for (detail removed by Moderator) years. Seeing and hearing the unthinkable.
I also worry that if I tell him to leave he will be violent again. Then also everyone will find out, including my family.
Last time I asked him to leave, (detail removed by Moderator) ago because he kicked off at my (detail removed by Moderator) son he called me whilst driving (detail removed by Moderator) telling me he was going to crash the car. Other times I have asked him to leave he refuses or locks us in the house. I hate that my children have lost them selves and are nothing like they used to be. I hate the fact that I am stuck. I hate my life and the life my kids have. -
My beautiful,
you are strong to have been living like you have been living, especially if you have hidden it from your family aswell, but now is the time to turn it around.
Believe me I felt that I was in a situation I couldn’t get out of, I didn’t know how it would ever be possible, but when I took my focus and energy away from him and put it on me my life changed quicker than I could imagine.
Start with a mantra in your head… I use to say to myself,
‘Im going to have it all again and more’,
I just kept saying it to myself.
I also use to whisper to my dog that we would be going home soon to my parents … start with little things and build up your power and strength.. this does no have to be your story.
If to begin with you cant be strong for yourself be strong for your children.
Once you start with self love your journey out of there will begin
I’m here for you my darling angel
D xx -
Yes, it is still abuse and it sounds very serious. Please google the cycle of abuse as it will help you to understand why he becomes nice. Please know that he may well become violent again and this is very dangerous for you and your children.
Please do contact the Women’s Aid chat line. They will be able to help you find a domestic violence charity in your area. A good charity will help you to understand what is happening to you and talk you through your options for keeping yourself and your children safe.
Please also be aware that you are also describing child abuse. Please start thinking about getting them to a place of safety. Psychological abuse is very damaging and it will be scarring your children.
Please seek help and use the forum to help give you strength. xx
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Hi Timemachine,
Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting. It must have taken a lot of courage to reach out for support so I hope you find the forum a safe place to be with others who understand.
I am so sorry to hear of the abuse you and your children are experiencing. You have described serious and high risk abuse from your partner. There is support for you and your children; you don’t have to go through this alone. Local domestic abuse services offer ongoing emotional and practical support, you can find your local service here.
You could also chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (weekdays 10am – 4pm and 10am – 12pm weekends). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here.
Please do keep reaching out for support; your GP and the police can also help. You and your children should be able to live without fear and abuse.
Keep posting to let us know how you are when you can.
Take care,
Lisa
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So this evening he has done the whole flower petals, candles and a bath run. He’s got a doctors appointment (detail removed by moderator) to get help.
But can people like him really change or am I just being sucked in again.
I didn’t accept the bath and just asked him to clear it up, which he did without getting angry and now just seems really sad.
It’s tiring going round and round in circles.
Being doted on, looked after, laughing to him kicking off.
None of my family know, they all hated him when I met him and if they find out I will just get the whole, ‘I told you so’ ‘it’s your fault, you should have listened’
My eldest has seen some horrific sights when he used to be physical. How can I leave now he’s not doing that when I didn’t when he did. If that makes sense. -
It’s called the cycle of abuse and the good times are abusive in that they’re not genuine. They’re manipulation. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. This is the honeymoon phase when he sucks you back into his dysfunctional dangerous game. When you don’t get sucked back in by his pretend niceness, he will chance tactics. He’s going for pity at the moment by acting sad. When that doesn’t work he will try something else. Eventually when you don’t change your mind he will become violent as he loses control. You all need this man out of your life and you will all benefit from counselling. Especially the children. Children from abusive homes are far more likely to be abused in adulthood. You owe it to you all to make a safe exit plan. Don’t act on what he says he will do, abusers are great liars and manipulators. Abuse always gets worse. This niceness is fake. Make a list of all the abuse he has perpetrated on you and your children and how that made you feel. He is not your friend. Talk to your local women’s aid for support snd ring 999 when he becomes threatening. Keep your phone on you at all times fully charged. Ending a relationship with an abuser is the most dangerous time. Remember he chooses to abuse you. Nothing you can do will change that
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My beautiful Timemachine,
I’m so glad you had a night off from his abusive behaviour however I think you realise the solution is not just to keep hoping that this good behaviour will continue, living like this is like living on a knife edge.
A balanced healthy relationship does not have such highs and lows and extremes.
I truly believe you know this deep down so please continue to stay in touch on the forum and let us ladies build you up and support you.
I totally understand how you are feeling about your family, shame is a terrible emotion to live with. However I am also sure you realise your whole family cant be wrong about him, and I’m guessing they would just sooner see you & your children safe and happy, than to tell you I told you so.
My ex sent my whole family Mum, Dad, Uncles, Aunts revenge porn emails, along with the rest of my email contacts list including work colleagues and friends!
He also put up a Facebook page about me that (detail removed by moderator) to take down… so I know what shame is.
However once you own it, it is what it is and no one can then own it for you, take back your power. It is not a reason to stay stuck where you are.
Sending you all my love and my support beautiful angel
D xx -
Hi Timemachine.
Just wanted to lend some support as you’ve had great advice. You asked “how can I leave now when I didn’t before?”…you can leave because you are miserable. He is making you miserable. He has horribly abused and traumatised not just you, but your children too. He broke your trust and replaced it with fear a long time ago. His doing.
It a major insight for me after I left that I could have left at any time simply because I was unhappy. That is reason enough to leave a relationship. It didnt dawn on me because in abuse we are not allowed to think of ourselves and what we want. Our abusers needs and wants overrule everything.
Reach out for support. It is difficult and dangerous to leave an abusive relationship but it is the most worthwhile thing you will ever do. When you are free and the fog clears the most difficult thing to come to terms with is how long you stayed. Certainly for me it has been.
You can escape this. Forget about your abuser for a moment and concentrate on what YOU want. You know what you need to do x*x
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But what if he can’t live without me. What if he loves me so much and so hard it hurts and he’s overly passionate.
He used to use drugs when I met him but stopped them all as I didn’t agree. He had to give up all of his friends and previous life to be able to leave that life. He did all that for me. To be with me.
Do I not owe it to him to take the good with the bad when he has had to give up so much for me.
His family are useless. They don’t seem to show emotions and allowed him to use and sell at a very young age. So his family upbringing is not his fault but could be why he struggles so much.
It’s so hard because I don’t know how much of what I think is actually my thought or his thoughts or just me trying to justify my reasons for staying so long. -
Hi Timemachine,
I understand where you are coming from. It is really hard to justify leaving when he appears to be trying so hard.
My ex also appeared to try really hard. He admitted to all his abuse (but only to our joint counsellor and me) and he sorted out counselling for himself which he went to every week, that would teach him not to be abusive. It turned out that it was all a lie. He never went to a single session of counselling and he later denied all the abuse.
It sounds like your partner is making all the right moves to coerce you into staying. Hearing your doubts about whether he is still abusive would be music to his ears – he is achieving his aim. Once he’s got you hooked backed in, everything will go back to to the abusive normal.
Abusive tendencies cannot be cured, they can just be papered over and sooner or later the abuse will start to emerge again.
Please do not tell him that you are thinking of leaving. If he knows that you are intending to leave he will ramp up the love bombing and when that doesn’t work, he’ll ramp up the abuse to a level that exceeds anything you have ever seen before. You must plan a safe exit with the help of DV experts.
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…. and no, you don’t owe it to him to stay. Whatever he might say – or threaten to do – he can live without you. Once he has exhausted all possible avenues with you, he’ll just find himself another victim, probably with indecent haste. They don’t feel love, not in the way we understand it. They “feel” a bond of ownership of you which affords them a sense of entitlement to treat you how they like.
A difficult upbringing is no excuse for being abusive. Many of the ladies on here had difficult upbringings but it didn’t make them abusive. To abuse someone is a choice that they make because they’ve learnt that it gets them what they want. Regardless of what you think the the root of the abuse is, there is no excuse for his behaviour.
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I can tell timemachine that you are a beautiful person with a kind heart and while you feel you want to support and help your partner this is going to be at the detriment of yourself and your children.
Your cup is empty and this is what you need to work on filling back up so when it over flows you can give to yourself and your children.
No one is responsible for another person, we all have to take responsibility for our own wellbeing. You cannot mend him, that’s his journey. Just as it is your journey to heal yourself and get you and your children in a safe environment.
What about your happiness, when did he think about that, don’t you deserve more my angel?
There’ll always be a reason for you to stay if you look for it but that doesn’t make it the right choice.
Please if you get a moment, even in the bathroom, sit quietly for even just a couple of minutes and feel into what your gut is telling you … you have the answers and you have the power and all these wonderful ladies in this forum are sending you love and support, so keep in touch and lean on us when you need to. We have all been there.
My love
D xx -
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Is it the national abuse helpline you’re trying to get hold of? I called them recently for someone else and had no luck getting through but I found when I left a voicemail they called me back quite soon after. If you don’t have long to be able to talk you can state that in your voicemail and they’ll try to make your call back a priority xx
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Keep the focus on you and your children, while you have your attention on him he is taking all your energy that you could be using to get strong.
If that’s the route he wants to go down then that is his choice, please my darling keep focused on you and your children
Believe me change takes a long long time to happen and that’s for someone who actually wants to change and understands why they need to… don’t hold your breath on this one
Believe in yourself, I believe you know what to do, dig deep and find the strength to do it
Love and support
D x*x -
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He is doing what he thinks he needs to do to get you to stay, or at least he’s telling you that’s what he is doing. At the moment, most GPs are only offering face to face appointments for those who need a physical examination. I’d be really surprised if his GP actually agreed to see him in the surgery for this which leaves me very suspicious as to whether he has actually spoken to his GP at all. I would think it is highly unlikely. More likely he’s lying to you.
If he genuinely understands he has a problem and if he’s genuine about fixing it, then he will understand that he can’t ask you to support him through it. If he doesn’t understand that, then he doesn’t understand what it means to put you and your children’s needs ahead of his. If he does genuinely want to do the right thing, he’ll move out of the house whilst he’s undergoing his transformation, which will be a lifelong process.
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Sorry, just re-read your post. It didn’t say he saw the GP, just that he spoke to him so maybe he spoke to the GP over the phone? Then went straight off to contact the talking therapists that he’s planning to see?
Having been through exactly this, I just don’t trust that he’s genuine about this. I’m certain that he’s just going through the motions.
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So had dr phone call. Dr gave talking therapies phone number. He called them when he got home and has first one (detail removed by moderator). He says he was so happy (detail removed by moderator). All week we were both happy. Top of the world and he wants to get back to that as that shows we can be good together. He said he has never gone and got help before so should show to me that he does mean it.
Am I now just thinking it’s lies or is this the start of something good. I don’t know what to think now. -
It’s normal to feel confused. It is also very normal for abusive relationships to have lots of “good times” as they serve the purpose of keeping us trapped in the relationship as we think the nice guy is the real him, and also it feels so much sweeter when the not good times are so very terrible. It causes a chemical change in the brain that behaves in the same way as drug addiction. The highs and lows of loving and abusive behaviour create a trauma bond.
You dont have to do anything you’re not ready for. Consider keeping a journal so you can observe the patterns, the cycle of abuse. Reach out to your local womens aid and educate yourself about abuse. Give yourself the opportunity to get clarity. If you read Living with the Dominator (Pat Craven) or Why Does he do That (Lundy Bancroft) and you dont recognize your partner, or if he becomes a different person through talk therapy (sadly highly unlikely) then great! But try to focus on his actions rather than his words. Talk is cheap and abusive men are very smooth talkers. Wait and see how long it is before it’s your fault again; he’s going to therapy but you’re not supportive enough, you did x /y or z to deserve his rage or a verbal attack. These men cant wear the mask for long. Once he’s confident he has you sucked back in it will sadly be business as usual as regards his behaviour.
We are all here for you. Keep posting and take the very best care. Sending a big hug xx
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I wonder what he told his GP to be given details of Talking Therapy. Did he tell the doctor that he’s abusive, violent, aggressive? This kind of service is the first port of call for most issues as there’s little funding for anything else. I’m not sure that it’s at all suitable, but you’re right, it’s a start. But just a start. You have to do the work, have a goal, progress and improve. You don’t get brownie points just for signing up. I hope you get through to the helpline and get quick support. Because it seems to me that he’s only going for therapy as he feels you pulling away. This is a most dangerous time for you.
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Hi,
I experienced the same. My ex was physically abusive for years at the beginning. I told him many times I wanted to leave. Then one day I told him about a friend that had been pushed by her partner. She told her partner never to touch her again, or she would leave. I asked my ex why that worked for her, but not for me. So he stopped being physically violent towards me, but he was still very abusive and controlling. Abusers don’t always have to go as far as physical violence to reach their desired level of control over us. And I’m sure that even his tone when speaking or a slight hand movement can freeze you in fear. I was still terrified, and crumbled into his control. I didn’t even realise how much my children saw, and were affected.
Your relationship is not better, and he has not changed. He is still abusing you.
The ‘nice guy’ might have actually been the worst part of his abuse. It messed with my head, and gave me false hope. The ‘nice guy’ keeps you trapped.
He is not nice and he has not changed, deep down you know that.
I hope the best for you xx -
There is a lot of good advice on here. Keeping a journal with dates can be used as evidence should you need it in the future. The next time he blows up or scares you, you can report it to the police. Your partner will not be contacted if you don’t want them to contact him. And it will be kept in their system. Abusive men lie very well, and can turn many people against us. To the point that even if your children open up about the abuse, they won’t be believed. I don’t say this to scare you. I say this to help you prepare. I didn’t have any evidence when we separated, which makes getting the protection my family needs very hard.
The times I did obtain evidence, my ex would find out and say how ashamed he was about his behaviour and beg me to get rid of the evidence. Or he would destroy it in a rage.
You don’t deserve to be treated this way. I hope you and your children can get to a save place xx
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