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    • #80130
      AlwaysSorry
      Participant

      I feel like I’m never doing well, I’m sorry for always falling down and coming here to spill it all.

      My therapist really wants me to imagine I am beating up my ex. I can’t. I sometimes fought back and my ex would say that’s me being abusive, he would even go so far as video me and film me pushing his hands and feet away from me when he tried to push and kick me. And the way it was filmed looked like I was hitting out at him. And the video didn’t show the beating I had taken just before. But that’s just one example of how he said I was the abusive one. And I’ve felt so guilty and at times I still wonder if I’m the bad one. How can I imagine doing something that has been used like that against me? Even scratches I sometimes left on his hands when he held them over my airways and I couldn’t breathe- He would say he would have to cover for me again.

      I hate being alone. “friends” go to his side. He even went on holiday and maybe I am overreacting but going on holiday how is that a sign of someone suffering. I don’t know what hurts the most. That he doesn’t care about me, that he has to “win” everything, that I “lost” everything. I just don’t know anymore.

      Very very soon I will have to be in the same room as him. They said I won’t be able to see him but I’ll be able to see his family and friends. What if he gets away with it? What if he doesn’t? Either way I think he will kill me for having taken it that far. And then I think even if he does it’s not like anyone would even miss me so maybe it’s just pointless, maybe I should have just begged him to stay.

    • #80131
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Dear AlwaysSorry

      I think that sounds a bit odd encouraging you to imagine beating him up?

      There is so much more that needs addressing than this!

      You should have a screen around you so that noone can see you! Do contact to make sure that you canot be seen.

      Please do keep posting whenever you feel you might be falling down. Certainly this is something something you need to do and not ne worrying about. Do keep.talking and posting. Its really matters for your processing of everything yoive been through and going through now.

      Warmest wishes

      TS

    • #80133
      maddog
      Participant

      It sounds really strange to imagine beating someone up. Surely that is the antithesis of what you want especially since it your experience of your partner.

      Please find a more suitable therapist. One who is trained to deal with trauma. You may find help through MIND or through Rape Crisis. Many of us who are abused have also been raped and severely undermined our experience. Well worth a chat with Rape Crisis if you are ready. Victim Support may also be able to guide you towards someone suitable.

      Your therapist is supposed to help you find a safe place. Not to further traumatise you!

      Please also speak to the domestic abuse team at the police. Dial 101 and ask to be put through to them.

      It is a terrifying time. You are not alone.

    • #80138
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      I sweety, always come here whenever you have a question or worry, no matter how many times, it matters so much that you voice your concerns and get support, it helps you to get stronger.

      I did change my therapist last year when she started telling me how I should feel. Like yours she seems to be telling you how you should behave. No no no!! Abusers told us long enough how to behave and what to feel, no more!

      You deserve to be respected and heard in therapy, not told what to do, especially ill advised when your abuser abused you and projected his violent behaviour onto you.

      Change therapist, go to the bacp website and call women’s aid to find out where you will be able to find a new therapist.

      Sending you strength 💪💖

    • #80178
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Hey AS, you sound like you are not signed up to this, I would suggest talking this through with the therapist, tell the therapist what you have said here, it doesn’t make sense to you and doesn’t feel right.

      It does sound a bit strange, but then we don’t have the full context in which to place it or understand why there is a need to do this hey. What we do know though is that this isn’t working for you. If you could talk this through with therapist it may present her/him with the opportunity to respond to you in different way and a better way.

      Of course you are feeling scared and sometimes desperate with this approaching; do try to be kind to yourself, treat yourself, go easy on yourself, take a soak in the bath or do whatever it is you like to do to relax, look after you so you can be in the best shape possible for getting through this.

      Remind yourself ‘I have done nothing wrong here’ everyday! Hell write it on your mirror in lipstick, carry this note round with you in your purse, plaster it everywhere and anywhere – sounds like this needs to go in! x

    • #80191
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      Mh, Fizzylem’s advice is wise, you could indeed first try to explain why the suggestion of your therapist isn’t suited for you, maybe she advised you to beat him up as a way to relieve your anger?…it’s better indeed to first think and talk it out then act ☺️

    • #80219
      AlwaysSorry
      Participant

      Thank you everyone. It’s a male therapist, I don’t think that is working for me either. I don’t want to discriminate but it’s so hard to talk about the abuse with him, I can’t even talk about the sexual abuse.

      I think you are right, I do need to tell myself I’ve not done anything wrong. But it’s hard to believe when everything was always my fault. I read past messages to him where I would take the blame and apologise and it saddens me to see just how much he meant to me that I would put up with all that and then be the one to say sorry. He would say something sexual about a colleague and even if my reaction was a simple breaking eye contact and looking at the floor, that would be him saying I had escalated it and started what turned into a beating. And I would then say sorry.

      It’s hard knowing his out there living his best life in a job that frightens me. I in fact expect to be arrested any moment the closer it gets. And even if he doesn’t manage that, I just have this overwhelming fear that no matter how that day in that room with him ends, he will hurt me.

      Thank you for your kind words as always. It’s getting harder and harder the closer that day gets

      • #80229
        fizzylem
        Participant

        Think you should PM KIP; think she will be abe to help you x

    • #80231
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Dear AlwaysSorry

      So sorry to hear how much you are worried aout everything at the moment.

      Please make sure you get full screens put upor dont even agree to be in the same room as him. You need protecting due to the distress anvfyrther trauma this will cause you. Write and make this clear. They will need to make arrangements for your protection. Maybe yiur gp could write on your behalf?

      In your writing its clear that you really can see through his ridiculous gaslighting. Tue trick is fixing that firmly in your mind.

      Its important to make all aware that forcing you to be in close proximity with him will jeopardise and prejudice your position, and therefore cannot go ahead in this way.

      Please mke sure you tell everyone in writing to prevent this happening to you. You will also feel more control by taking these steps for you.

      Warmest wishes

      TS

    • #80235
      KIP.
      Participant

      Have you asked for a video link where you don’t need to attend? You can give evidence from another building or another town?

    • #80236
      KIP.
      Participant

      You don’t have to accept that therapist. Demand a woman with experience. He is triggering your trauma by asking you to visualise hitting your ex. That would have made me one hundred times worse. Change therapists x

    • #80266
      AlwaysSorry
      Participant

      They said video I would be able to see him and he would see me so I asked for screens.

      It happened, it really did, so why did I have to be the one to flee. I lost everything and now down to two people who will occasionally speak with me, everyone else he took. Why did he get to keep it all, why is this not hurting him, why did he get a welfare worker when I didn’t. Victim support wouldn’t even help to begin with because of who he is. I can’t stop crying.

      It’s not fair. I wanted help with therapy but it’s like it’s all my fault because I couldn’t leave him, because I still miss him, I don’t know how to stop I just wanted him to stop hitting me

    • #80267
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      It was the same for me. I didnt want to be seen by him on video either, so i was never taken into court, my barrister went in for me.

      We stayed in a separate room.

      It was the only way for me.

      No matter who he is, if he is getting some sort of preferential treatment as a result of who he is this needs flagging up to the legal teams involved that your are being prejudiced as a result of his position/identity.

      The law is supposed to be about justice/fairness and equality, if these principles are not met flag it up.

      Call Rights of Women tomorrow to get some.free legal advice from the experts in this. You wll be able to talk without prejudice to them, ad they can advise how to raise issues, etc.

      Warmest wishes

      TS

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