22nd November 2021 at 9:13 pm #134486
Hi, Need some advice, and to get things out a bit.
Its really a small thing but something that is still bugging me on my road to healing.
So I recently left my abusive ex and i am
Living with my parents.
Its been on the whole fine living with them. But my dad has these angry episodes. Very rarely and pretty short.
Really silly little things like he cannot find something and he is like getting really worked up about it, he doesn’t shout, just you can tell he is angry, may swear a tiny bit to himself, my mum scatters around trying to appease him. But nothing helps, he’s normally better after he eats.
He is worse when he is tired.
He used to do it in shops or restaurants when something bugged him he just couldn’t leave it alone. So he didn’t only do it behind closed doors, he even did it infront of his inlaws once..
He’s pretty elderly now and on the whole never does this to anyone other then my mum.
My therapist didn’t think he was abusive. He’s been very supportive to me in my whole breakup with my ex. He is extremely supportive to my whole family, he never pushes us or even tries to tell us what we should or shouldn’t do, he lets us choose our own life choices..
Its just these episodes seem to be mostly to my mum now, its never been to us kids. Afterwards he acts like nothing happened and everything is fine.
Everytime he does this i feel like my world is crashing down, how can i trust someone who does this?
I know him not doing it on purpose still counts as abuse. But, i think i can acknowledge that he can be abusive sometimes without necessarily meaning to..
he is definitely not manipulative or cruel like my ex, he is kind and giving..
but are these just what a father should be anyway…
Any help much appreciated
24th November 2021 at 8:42 pm #134631LisaMain Moderator
I just wanted to show you some support. This must be really difficult for you especially after everything you have been through. It is not ok for your Dad to get angry and behave like this towards your Mum, it’s also concerning that he doesn’t acknowledge how wrong his behaviour is.
I understand that this must be really confusing for you as you said he has been supportive to you.
Take care, we are all here for you.
25th November 2021 at 6:46 am #134657KIP.Participant
I don’t think it’s acceptable. I think you will find out more if you talk to him about it. See if he is apologetic and changes or if he defends his behaviour and feels entitled. I always judge behaviour by what I would do and I certainly wouldn’t behave this way. And calling out behaviour or saying no to an abuser is usually a good way to judge by the reaction. My ex mother in law called out my husband’s behaviour and he replied (detail removed by moderator). I’d see how he responds x
25th November 2021 at 12:46 pm #134669
Hey KIP, thanks, I really can’t talk to him right now, my tolerance to confrontation is pretty low.. I seem highly sensitive to it. I have heard you need to heal from DA in a calm safe environment.
I will talk to my mum and see what kind of conversations they have had.
25th November 2021 at 1:09 pm #134672KIP.Participant
I think you may have answered your own question. You can talk to your mum about it but not your dad x ‘confrontation’ is a strong word when it’s about talking to a parent x
25th November 2021 at 10:15 am #134662maddogParticipant
My dad used to lose his temper a lot when I was growing up. It was terrifying. Eventually I got angry back and told him where to get off. After that, the relationship dynamic changed and I no longer felt afraid of him.
You may find the NAPAC (national association of people abused in childhood) website helpful.
It’s so difficult when a parent is abusive and it’s not grindingly obvious. It took decades for me to understand what had happened to me, that it wasn’t my fault, and it took my standing my ground for my dad to recognise me as an adult. I know my dad suffered from trauma, and I believe it knocked him sideways.
25th November 2021 at 12:27 pm #134668
Hey Maddog, thanks for replying.
I’m sorry you had to deal with that too.
The thing is he has never directed any anger towards us kids.
But it still is scary – when I was a kid.
Now it causes me anxiety.
I have stood up to him in the past and normally managed to talk to him and calm him down quick easily. But now I am recovering from a abusive relationship, I really cannot handle it.
I grew up with so many issues I think because of this.
25th November 2021 at 11:16 am #134664EggshellsParticipant
You’ve really made me think. If this is a pattern of behaviour and people change how they behave to placate him, then I guess it’s abuse.
It’s made me think because I also get really angry when I loose things. It’s internal anger at myself.
When I loose stuff, I know that I haven’t moved far since I last had it. That means it’s right under my nose somewhere. I usually find it within a minute or so but if I don’t, I will rant at myself, out loud, even if my sons are there and I will ask them to look in the immediate area to see if they can see it.
So it is an angry outburst and even though I am the recipient of my anger, it changes people’s behaviour in that, they start looking for whatever it is I’ve lost.
So, I guess the question that I’m struggling to answer about your Dad and myself is, at what stage do we consider these outbursts as abusive? I’m worried now.
25th November 2021 at 12:24 pm #134667
Thanks for replying, that’s interesting, thanks for sharing.
Some questions WA also aske me where:
Do you feel your dad is controlling in any other ways?
Does he blame others for his outbursts?
Is he taking responsibility for how he has impacted those around him?
It sounds like you are fully aware and probably you apologize afterwards?
My mum has said he never apologizes but I do want to ask my mum more details thanks @kip for your advice.
But wow is my tolerance really low. I heard recently, that trauma stacks up, and when your trauma is stacked up high, your ready to topple really easily which is why you become hypersensitive with your triggers.
25th November 2021 at 6:39 pm #134681EggshellsParticipant
Thanks. Yes, once I’ve finished berating myself I feel much better, say sorry, tell them that they don’t need to help me, I was just cross with myself and start calmly and methodically searching again.
I don’t know why I get so cross though. If somebody else looses something I need it doesn’t really phase me. It could be because I do it so often. 😏
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.