28th June 2022 at 10:43 am #146082TakethelongroadParticipant
I’ve been living with emotional abuse for a numbers of years now and realise that I’m firmly stuck in the abuse cycle. I’m still in my own house luckily as my partner lives and works away all week and comes back at the weekend. I have an ever worsening neurological condition since I met him, which has been made worse by all the stress of the abuse. I realise now that he is a big part of it and is secretly pleased that I’m not well as he knows I can’t escape in this state. He gives me a monthly allowance to cover the bills and buys all the food for the week. I’ve lost my well paid job, but I realise that I have to get out, so I need to generate income by renting my house out.
So here’s my dilemma:
Do I end the relationship which is making my condition worse as I’m on huge drugs now as a result of the stress of his abuse, and live off my savings which aren’t huge and will rapidly dwindle away? I’m aware that he’s supported me for a number of years now so do I have any obligation to pay him back in any way? I feel strongly that he played a big part in my losing my job and putting me in a position of financial dependency (which he’s never denied), so the loss of earnings more than offsets the money he’s given me in my view.
Or: Somehow put up with the abuse and milk the monthly money while I try and get my house in order to rent, despite the fog of the drugs and the increasing strain on my mental and physical health.
It seems like I have to choose between the stress of the abuse or the stress of having no money.
I reached out to my sister in a moment of desperation, but she doesn’t understand emotional abuse at all and started blaming me, so no support there. I’m nervous about discussing it with a friend as I don’t want to cloud our friendship with it or feel like I’m asking for money. No point in trying to discuss it with my partner as he uses whatever I tell him to escalate the abuse.
I’m independent and I can do this, although I do feel very alone and weakened by the pain and the drugs. I just need a bit of advice and support from people who won’t judge.
Thanks for reading.
28th June 2022 at 11:18 am #146091RedStrawberryParticipant
Hi takethelongroad I’m sorry you’re stuck in this position and that you reaching out for help has been so unsupportive. Are you married? If so and you eventually plan to divorce any savings house etc are marital assets and will be divided accordingly. At the moment I suggest you check a benefits calculator to see if you would be entitled to anything. Good luck and hopefully you can find lots of support here
28th June 2022 at 11:37 am #146094TakethelongroadParticipant
Thanks for your reply RedStrawberry, no I’m not married (thank the lord) and I am not eligible for benefits yet (although it doesn’t take long to reach that threshold which is something I want to avoid if at all possible).
All the best to you too. This forum is incredibly helpful and I wish I’d found it long ago.
2nd July 2022 at 10:41 am #146351AurielParticipant
Best bet is ringing women’s aid about the situation and citizens advice they can let you know everything your entitled to and answering the question do I end the relationship I’d say 💯 yes, if he’s only there weekends and the impact is “that” damaging to you and exacerbating your symptoms and condition then yes defiantly (there’s a saying health is wealth)your health has a huge impact on every part of life and and I ended up with a condition caused by one of my abusers, also contact volunteer organisations to see what they can do 💖🍫💖
2nd July 2022 at 1:12 pm #146356HereforhelpParticipant
Hey lovely, I would suggest getting in touch with your local Citizens Advice (I emailed them and they got back to me, I then met with a lovely, helpful woman who works alongside victims of DA).
Same as you I had the choice of putting up with my husband’s abuse, control etc for a more financially secure life. I opted out of that and since leaving my children and I are financially worse off, foodbanks, no holidays or fancy ‘extras’ which I could afford before.
I find life far better now, without him and his abuse/control. My eldest has finally stopped self harming, we are finding other interests (which are free or do not cost a lot) … what I am trying to say is, once you have some support in place, someone to help you work out what you are entitled to financially life can be better, without anxiety from all the abuse.
And, absolutely no to paying your partner, you owe him nothing, you have already lost too much (your job. dwindling savings).
I was regularly hospitalised when I was with my ex, due to illnesses brought on by stress from his abuse, I was with him for half my life and the stress and anxiety got worse and worse.. I tried to remain thinking life is easier with him as financially I didn’t think I could cope, I can and it is so much better being free and poorer financially as myself and children are far more calmer now we no longer walk on eggshells.
Keep posting ❤️
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