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    • #48106
      nomorecontrol
      Participant

      My recovery seems to be taking a very long time. I know that you cannot put a time limit on these things. I had a comment from a family member yesterday ( I believe my brother is also (detail removed by Moderator)) saying ‘ get over yourself and move on’
      As you can expect this made me very upset and took me right back to the start of my recovery again.
      it makes me ask the question…’ is it taking me too long? I am playing the victim?’ I’m trying hard to not think like that, but its hard.
      I’ve yet to speak to a counselor and still have so many emotions running around.
      Will I ever be me again?
      Who I am now?
      When will the flashback end and thoughts of him always in my head?

    • #48116
      Amaguq
      Participant

      Hi Nomorecontrol,

      I totally identify with your post, I have asked myself the same question and also received an extremely insensitive comment from a family member (she was drunk at the time but no excuse) telling me to get a job and stop playing the victim (I have never played the victim and can’t even think of me in a work environment yet)

      You said it yourself, we cannot put a time limit on these things, the counselor told me, we have experienced trauma, it will take time and we must not pressure ourselves.

      It is very easy for people to talk if they have never experienced abuse.

      Take care and do not put any pressure on yourself, we are allowed to feel how we feel xx

    • #48148
      Serenity
      Participant

      I remember reading a wonderful article a year or so ago where it said to take the pressure off yourself to heal in a certain time.

      I would say, the days you feel more buoyant, achieve more; the days you feel fragile, take a rain check. Follow your own rhythm.

      Above all, keep your distance from people who tell you to hurry up with your recovery. We were told how to think, feel and act for far too long by our abusive exes: we can’t allow that sort of nonsense! When you’re told to get a grip, it says more about that person and their inability to be supportive or simply be a strong presence for you, than your own lacking. We can’t expect everyone to be amazing advisors or listeners, but even people we care about simply being there without pressure or judgement is validating and helpful. I’ve learned to carefully choose my confidantes. I can’t deal with people who don’t understand trying to give me advice!

      • #48878
        nomorecontrol
        Participant

        thank you.
        I also am finding it hard to deal with people who are close to me not understanding. But maybe its lack of knowledge on their part

    • #48171
      Starmoon
      Participant

      Hi, I feel so angry for you in regards to this insensitive person… how dare they say such a thing. The shame is on them for being incapable of empathizing. The frase ‘if you have nothing nice to say, then don’t say anything at all’ springs to mind.
      As others have suggested- keep your distance as much as you can from people who are going to be so insensitive. These people literally have no idea what it’s like to go threw the trauma that we have (lucky them).. you haven’t seen a counselor and after abuse, I think it’s so important to take time to understand ourself and understand why we allowed the abuse to happen. I’m certainly no expert in recovery because I’ve got a long way to go myself, but don’t think for one second you’re taking too long. It doesn’t sound like you’ve had time to heal at all. X*x

    • #48172
      KIP.
      Participant

      Next time someone tells you to move on. Tell them that you have moved on from him. What you haven’t moved on from is the trauma he left you with. This will take as long as it takes x

    • #48193
      Amaguq
      Participant

      So many wise words 🙂

    • #48323
      Confused123
      Participant

      hey lovely,

      i think kip response is best reply to give people , people totally dont get how abuse impacts us and how they traumitize us. I think we put way to much pressure on ourselves to cope with it and expects ourselves to get over it quickly. I think you sound like you are at very early stages of leaving your ex, so no u def not taking too long, it has taken me (detail removed by moderator) years to process all the historical abuse and im still healing , our brain will only let us heal and process as much as it thinks we can handle. the brain is so amazing , we cant fast forward this

    • #48879
      nomorecontrol
      Participant

      So much great advice
      Thank you everyone for taking the time out to reply.
      I have put a no contact on my brother, at least until I feel stronger to deal with him.
      I will for sure use the answer regarding the trauma I’m dealing with and not the man who dealt the abuse!

    • #48880
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Hi nomorecontrol,

      I can relate your post, I too often wonder why I am still thinking about him most of the day every day. It’s horrible because they were so awful to us, and I keep having new memories of weird, disturbing things he did wondering when my brain will start to focus on something else. Like the others have said, it is the trauma that abuse leaves us with, and takes time to process and recover from. We need professional help, it’s not a normal breakup. It sounds good to have set that boundary with your brother, I too have very limited contact with my brother as he is eerily similar to my ex in several ways.

      Follow up with your counselling and see if there are other options. I am on the waiting list for specialist counselling, but have found a non specialist service who are providing me with free counselling while I wait which is helping.

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