3rd November 2023 at 9:28 am #162854
My first post. i just don’t know what to think anymore and would like an outsiders view.
So me and my partner seem to argue of the smallest things then it just escalates into a massive row. Maybe it’s a communication problem as he seems to go 0-100 and says it’s my fault for pushing him but sometimes I feel like I can’t disagree with him without it causing an argument. We will be disagreeing on something then he will shout me down, call me an idiot and a thick c**t. I know now to stop at this point otherwise he will escalate to shaking his fists, punching doors.
I’ve told him when he’s calm I don’t appreciate being called these names and he will say “ I’m too sensitive” or “(detail removed by Moderator)” then after he will go back to normal/loving, planning holidays etc as if the argument never happened.
It’s not like this all the time, sometimes it will be weeks even a month before another ‘episode’. I’d say 80% of the time we are good.
I’m feeling very drained and confused, it’s the only relationship I’ve ever been in. I feel like it’s gotten worse after having our son as we will argue over finances/parenting.
I have thought about leaving him before but I know he would say he has nowhere to go(joint tenancy both low income) and I don’t want to lose the house it’s in a lovely village with great school. I think we could be ok if he stopped the name calling and stepped up with parenting but I can’t control that.
4th November 2023 at 6:34 pm #162896LisaMain Moderator
Thank you for your post and for sharing what you’re going through with us, and welcome to the forum.
Sadly what you’re describing from your partner does sound like emotionally abusive behaviour. Name calling, shouting, intimidation by ‘throwing his weight around’, blaming you and refusing to take responsibility, these are all indicators of emotional/psychological abuse.
You mention that this is not happening all of the time, but it doesn’t need to be constant to be abusive, in fact, there are almost always peaceful and even ‘happy’ times in abusive relationships. This is known as the ‘cycle of abuse’ and might be useful to look into, to see if it feels familiar.
It’s really difficult to accept the fact that we might be experiencing abuse and it can be a challenging realisation to come to. However, the fact that you’ve found your way to this forum suggests that you already have some idea that this is the case.
Take care and do keep posting to let us know how you’re doing.
5th November 2023 at 7:07 am #162919
(detail removed by moderator) we agreed he would get up with our son. It’s one of things we argue about. I get up anywhere between (detail removed by moderator) everyday and said I would just like one day a week to lay in.
I put the (detail removed by moderator) light on, gently (detail removed by moderator) asking if he’s (detail removed by moderator). I say (detail removed by moderator). He says (detail removed by moderator). I leave (detail removed by moderator) there and go back into the other room. I hear our son open the bedroom door to go downstairs (there’s only (detail removed by moderator) not ours). I get up to follow our son as I know my partner has closed his eyes again. I tell my partner and he says to (detail removed by moderator) so what’s the point.
He starts shouting (detail removed by moderator) and slams his fists against the wall. I take our son downstairs and he follows me, and just keeps repeating (detail removed by moderator) and calling me names. I say the point is you (detail removed by moderator). He punches the door and makes a hole in it. Our son is upset now and doesn’t want to go with him, I’m fully awake.
I feel like it’s probably my fault and none of this would have happened if i just got up on my own. This is what I struggle with I’m always to blame, I feel like we get on fine as long as I don’t disagree with him and challenge him on anything. But then maybe he was never planning on getting up as he stayed up till (detail removed by moderator) last night.
Thankyou for your reply and giving me a safe space to write things out.
5th November 2023 at 11:44 am #162924browneyedmumParticipant
I tried to post earlier, but my login timed out =)
It is not your fault, the way that your partner acts after letting both you and your child down. You two had an agreement. Then your partner is so selfish and is so reliant on you that he stays up rather than doing what he agreed to do. He is depending on his entitlement; where he knows you pick up the pieces after he’s been violent with his child witnessing and being upset by it. You should be able to challenge your partner when your partner makes agreements with you and then doesn’t follow through, without verbal abuse and violence.
Big hugs to you. He’s being awful both to you and his child.
5th November 2023 at 9:17 pm #162945
Thankyou for your reply. I’m actually really annoyed about the door, it’s the first time he’s done it in this new house( we’ve been moved a few months) but our old house was terrible with damage to walls/doors I gave up filling in the end. I thought this would be a fresh start.
He said it’s my fault for not giving him the chance to wake up but I did as he asked and only went back in there as i knew he was going back to sleep. I could hear our toddler going downstairs and I’m not comfortable letting a (detail removed by Moderator) year old fend for himself.
I think your right it’s entitlement, the reason he reacts like that and am worried about my son witnessing this and the name calling. My partner says he doesn’t understand he’s just a toddler but my little boy’s reaction, I know he understands anger if not the words and that’s what upsets me the most.
9th November 2023 at 11:47 pm #163043
I’ve noticed the abuse not happening all the time at the home too . It was quite bad years ago and still I didn’t leave. What a fool I was because it’s gone full circle and its starting again. If I’m honest I don’t think it ever really went away but I’m torn between the devil and the deep blue sea . I’ve got grown up kids who think I’m living in la la land when I try telling them about it . They tell my I’d be foolish to leave. I so want to be on my own away from the c**p I’m putting up with.
10th November 2023 at 7:33 am #163047
Would it be possible for me to be excused for staying in this stupid relationship please. I am a weak person who can’t be strong ever . Sorry but thank you.
10th November 2023 at 10:53 am #163057LisaMain Moderator
Please make no apologies about your situation, and try not be hard on yourself. We know leaving an abusive relationship is very difficult and comes with many challenges. Statistically it takes a women up to 6, 7 times to leave their abuser permanently, so you are not alone.
You are aware of the specialist DV services that can help, so whenever you feel the need, do reach out to them. They will not be judgemental and will understand what you are going through. In you’re own time.
In meantime, keep posting here for support and validation.
Take good care,
10th November 2023 at 7:57 am #163053
Toastie123 , I am sorry to hear your story . Once again its familiar with me . My other half has told me how he spoke to his ex and I find him speaking the same way to me time and time again. It’s always my fault never his . Everything that’s going wrong for him in his eyes is all my fault . I never know what to think.
10th November 2023 at 11:58 am #163058BlueberryFieldParticipant
This sounds just how my relationship was at first. Only arguments over little things (mostly if I have my opinion on things that are totally different from his. I would be called all sorts of nasty names. This was and still is also my first relationship, so I did not know better back then as I didn’t have anything to compare. However, the excuse always was ‘You pushed me too much/I only said it because I was angry/If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t get so emotional’. AND LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR, ALL THESE THINGS THEY SAY ARE EMOTIONAL ABUSE. There is a book that perfectly describes all these excuses why they were abusive to you and the reality behind those excuses. It is normal to argue and disagree in every relationship, but it is not okay to be called nasty names or being threatened and intimidated.
All I want to say is that this was what happened at the beginning. Then all that fist shaking, punching things in the room, escalated into me being physically abused – Punched, slapped, kicked, choked, stabbed, threatened with knife near my throat, you name it. I know 100% that if they are punching doors or other objects it is just a matter of time until that punch one day will fly to your face. And it’s enough for them to abuse physically once, you forgiving and it will continue during every single argument.
For me the physical abuse is very rare now compared to how it was before, because I already fled to the refugee once. If he doesn’t respect you now and uses the most stupid excuse saying he was angry or that YOU made him act like that, he will never respect you later.
10th November 2023 at 2:38 pm #163060
Thank you Lisa I am very grateful for your support and kindness. I will try to find out the number for my local area . I appreciate your support today . Best wishes always.
10th November 2023 at 2:42 pm #163061
Hello BlueberryField , once again another heartbreaking story of someone being Treated disrespectfully which should not have to be tolerated . I don’t know who these people think they are but they are just totally out of order . I am so sorry to hear of your story . Sending lots of love to you . Please take care of yourself. God bless you always.
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