Is the relationship I had dysfunctional? Feedback appreciated.

[freedomtochoose]

Hello there,
I had managed to get out of an abusive marriage some years ago.
Thought I had done a lot of work on myself during that time, in different ways. I know this will be a bit of a sensitive topic and hope you will all understand, but one of the difficulties in my marriage was that for years my ex neither touched, me nor was physically affectionate in any way. So together with emotional abuse this was kind of a kind of neglect, I think.

When I got out of that situation I met a new person (not straightaway) but after a few years, things between us were very passionate and I questioned whether there was an element of traumatic bonding in it.
I managed though to decide what I wanted and didn’t want and I was very clear that I didn’t want to live with anyone again. So to some extent kept them at a distance.

The long and the short of it is, with the new person we had in fact broken up but because of an extended family situation last week I went back and slept with them again. Don’t think it was a brilliant thing to do – and understand that I was in need of some sort of a comfort blanket as we are familiar with each other.

Now though, I feel it would have been better if I hadn’t as I really don’t want a long term relationship with them, and we argued on the phone – yesterday which made me feel really rubbish. Has anyone else experienced something similar. I have got a feeling after leaving my ex husband I have an issue with intimacy generally and dont’ feel comfortable when someone is too close.

Any ideas or feedback? Anyone found themselves in a similar situation? Thanks. x

[IrisAtwood]

Hi Freedom,
I ended up in a very abusive relationship because I was craving physical intimacy having been married for  years to a man who witheld sex for most of those years.
Listen to your gut feeling that you don’t want a long term relationship with this man. You were vulnerable and wanted comfort. Lots of us accept sex when what we want is comfort and support, so it happens and you can move on.
It sounds as if you feel that you still have personal growth to do so focus on that – which is also what I am doing.
Take care and be kind to yourself.

[freedomtochoose]

Thank you so much, this is really helpful, I really appreciate it.
x

[starryeyed]

Hi freedomtochoose, you are totally within your rights to feel like you do…and it is okay to have slept with them and then realised it was perhaps not the best idea for you…it’s happened and it is now in the past and I think you sound like you know what you want…which is not a long term relationship with this person. You are entitled to change your mind and, as Iris says, follow your gut and look after yourself because you deserve to x*x

[freedomtochoose]

Thanks. I’m figuring it out. Perhaps like some people on here i find it quite difficult to even realise that I am attracted to someone when it happens. I tend to want to push people away, just so that I don’t have to take the risk of feeling it. I don’t think this relationship was the right thing at all but I would like to at least get to the point where I accept such feeliings without panicking or feeling as if I need to do anything about it. iykwim. Thanks for listening.

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