Is there a point where you feel contact can’t hurt you anymore.

[Numbnumb]

Hi we are forever tied by or kids. I was attached, bonded to my abuser for (detail removed by moderator). I have avoided seeing him or speaking for (detail removed by moderator), just bland simple texts. I feel I couldbt see him because I would be crippled with hurt to be honest. He has done some work at home to help “me” and kids and I’ve always go out to protect my emotions.will he still perceive this as a xontrol. He is doing vital work (detail removed by moderator) so I feel I must go out all day with kids spending money I don’t have. There is a point where you don’t care anymore and they can’t hurt you and you can face them… right?

[KIP.]

For me he will always be toxic and keeping him out of my life completely empowers me and sends him that clear message that he’s simply not worthy of being in my life. I know his game. I know he’s a nasty despicable human being and I won’t allow contact. For me contact would empower him. It sounds to me like he’s trying to get back into your life with these offers of help and I’d rather have zero help and struggle than allow my ex any contact x

[ISOPeace]

I think it depends on whether the trauma bond is broken and not given an opportunity to rebuild. Before I left I thought seeing him would be OK because I’d always know I could walk away. But then I read that any contact, good or bad, reinforces the trauma bond and I realised it wasn’t about what I could survive, it was about what would allow me to heal.

If the trauma bond is still there it is very difficult to judge what is OK because it can build up like it did the first time. I guess you have to go on how strong you feel about the contact.

I’m not sure what I’ve said is very helpful but hope there’s something useful in there! Xxxx

[KIP.]

Forget about trauma bonds. Do you really want someone who is capable of harming women and children in your life in any way. Thats the person he is. You may have changed but he hasn’t. Protect yourself x

[Numbnumb]

Thankyou laddies. I Do regret having him here working. Im already very stressed and anxious, I don’t tjink I’ll be ready to get out by the time he gets here. Can I be too stupidly honest, I think a small part of me thought “what if he comes home and someone else has dine his trade here, that would be horrible for him” it’s crazy, I know it couldn’t. Wouldn’t happen. I aam too educated now about abuse thanks to you tube, books and here. I didn’t know these things on the many other icadsions I took him back.

[KIP.]

Hey it’s not crazy it abuse. I spent a lifetime protecting my abuser. Feeling guilty for wanting to leave. These men fall on their feet. My ex already had someone else lined up behind my back but abuse and brainwashing lasts a long time, that’s why zero contact is so important so you don’t get sucked back in. Ever x

[KIP.]

Abusers only want to get close to us to slap us again.

[littledove]

I agree with Kip. Don’t let him do things to help you in anyway. You have to get back on your own feet and live your life on your own.

The offers of help are definitely a form of control still, to remain in your life and try suck you back in.
My ex did the same thing. When he was seeing my child, he’d always offer to do things for my family members in the hopes that I would be around whilst he was carrying out these “favours”. My family members always declined the offers.

They can’t offer genuine help or favours to people, there’s always something to benefit them in the bag.

[Eggshells]

I agree, I’m confident that he will expect some form of payment for the job he’s doing. He’ll already have an idea about what the payment will be and it’ll be something you don’t want I.e letting him back into your life again.

Personally, I know I’ll never have contact with my ex again. I might have to face him if my kids ever get married but I’ll make sure I’m surrounded by supportive family.

Meeting any controlling or aggressive man sends me back into “frightened child” mode and I become a different person. Far better to keep him out of my life so that I don’t fall into old patterns again.

[Living Warrior]

I agree with KIP. I too went no contact I too would rather struggle than let that despicable human anywhere near my new life.. I moved out etc. So I didn’t have any ties to him.
Everything these men do is for their own benefit. And they always want something for it….

[Author]

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