Viewing 10 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #116160
      gettingtired
      Participant

      I’ve posted on here before about how trapped I feel with wanting to leave but feeling totally powerless and unable to do so, like I can’t cope without him, like he won’t cope without me blah blah blah.

      My question is.. is there always a big sudden moment that just pushes you to leave? Or you just reach your limit and can’t take any more?
      I’ve read others on here had that moment and hoping it comes for me.

      But in the meantime I am left feeling so desperate like I truly hate my life yet can’t bare the mental strain of going. It’s like a constant battle that plays out in my head every single day.

      I’ve managed to stay away before lockdown with family and came back to a disgusting flat. I want to clean but he says that’s all I give a d**n about and shouldn’t do it. Has already threatened he won’t put up with my sh*t and that I can go back to my family for the lockdown.

      I am really, really kicking myself for ever choosing to move in together and get a pet. It would be sooo much easier if I hadn’t.

      Today I just feel like I want to float out of my body and mind. I just hate it all. Hope that doesn’t sound too dramatic. Starting counselling this week so will see how that pans out. Hope this second lockdown is going as well as can be for everyone else xx

    • #116162
      KIP.
      Participant

      Everyone is different but for me it ended with police involvement. It took that to keep us apart and for me to start to realise just how bad it had been. For others it’s an act of violence and for others it’s just a realisation that nothing will change without them making that move because your abuser won’t ever change but you can. What prevented me from returning was the fact that he chose to abuse me. For years I blamed myself for his behaviour but when I understood that he was calculated in his abuse, waiting for me to be alone and vulnerable and in full control of his actions, that was the last straw. You just need to keep pulling in the other direction towards good people, healthy relationships, confidence, self esteem then you will wonder what the hell you ever saw in him 🤔

      • #116190
        gettingtired
        Participant

        Thank you KIP 💕 I honestly cant wait for this day to come x

      • #116219
        coffeepotion
        Participant

        the “how he won’t cope without me” comment really got me… how do you leave someone when you have been made to feel so responsible for them!

      • #116229
        gettingtired
        Participant

        I know coffeepotion.. I wish I had the answer x

      • #116356
        fizzylem
        Participant

        Yes, I felt this, responsible, I can fix this right? There’s always a workable solution yes? No, not when it comes to dealing with an abusive, irrational man. As soon as I acknowledged that I am not responsible for him, he is – things changed and I saw him for who he is more and more x

    • #116175
      freedomfries01
      Participant

      It doesn’t sound dramatic at all.
      I didn’t have a big moment. My ex dumped me!! I can remember his shock at how shocked I was he did it. The police were getting called by neighbour’s and I’d gone away for a few days. When I got back I uncovered something despicable he was doing and standing over me threatening me he told me he had never loved me and I was s**m. I’m considerably lucky because I know I would have never walked away . I now consider it his gift to me x

      • #116191
        gettingtired
        Participant

        Thanks freedomfries01, wow! In some ways I wish mine would leave me. At least then I wouldn’t have to feel the guilt or worry about him. I really wish I could put myself first but it feels impossible x

    • #116181
      beachhut
      Participant

      Hi
      I like KIP. Left when the police got involved after an assault on me, I had been planning to go prior to this and he knew that, he told me he had taken tablets and I said I would call to get him help, when I did make the call he went mad, he had not taken tablets but my calling his bluff sent him over the top, hence the assault.
      He got arrested I escaped.
      I won’t say it’s easy but it’s better than living in constant fear.
      Take care of you.
      beachhutXx

      • #116192
        gettingtired
        Participant

        Hi beachhut, what a palaver! Sounds like something my partner would do. Making threats like a child. Wish I didn’t feel such guilt or so bad for him. Hoping I can find a way to put myself first. Just not very hopeful atm xx

    • #116185
      Scapegoat
      Participant

      I feel like you gettingtired but still haven’t got round to actually taking the step yet. What’s stopping me? The threats the intimidation, the sheer exhaustion of it trying to keep up a job and being treated like this. I’ve been slapped twice around the face again (detail removed by Moderator), been grabbed by the skin under my arms but then when I’d had enough and was going to go and get in the car, my exit was obstructed again and told I needed to calm down as he wouldn’t wish me any harm🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
      Then been subjected to (detail removed by Moderator) hours of pure shouting at me how s**t I am in every which way possible. According to him he’s tried so hard and I just don’t want to know.
      Do need to get out, am having to (detail removed by Moderator) online all day, every day too which is incredibly stressful as he hasn’t worked since (detail removed by Moderator).
      One thing I definitely know i do not want to get old (older) like this and another thing I know is he will never ever change. So it is only matter of time, I don’t as of yet have a plan as can’t decide how I’m actually going to get out without all of the threats taking place. Stay strong lovely ❤️

      • #116195
        gettingtired
        Participant

        Hi scapegoat, how dare he do that to you!! what a terrible evening you’ve had.
        I’ve sent you a message xx

    • #116208
      iliketea
      Participant

      A sort of dawning realisation that I couldn’t do it anymore. A few “incidences” with children happened a while before. And a very good IDVA who just stayed patient with me but I now see was helping me plan for an safe exit. Getting things in place, getting secure, safety nets etc. You’ll know. If you’re going to exit safely there has to be an element of planning, if you are in physical danger though, you go go go. Could you write down what’s stopping you? I’ll bump a post that had some ideas on and some good advice from the women here. It sometimes helps to compare and see how other people dealt with situations. Is a pet a reason to stay together? Could you take the pet, or have it fostered for a while if you can’t take it? Can you get out of your rental lease? Make a list as if you’re going to leave and see how you’re going to get over these blocks that might be there. Then another list as if you’re going to stay, how will that make life easier, better, more enjoyable, fun, happy for you?
      I’ll bump now.
      xx

      • #116294
        gettingtired
        Participant

        Excellent thank you iliketea, which post is that please? I can have a search. Glad to hear you got free ❣

    • #116224
      freedomfries01
      Participant

      I think that knowing he’s the problem may help with how much you’ll take from him and keeping notes means you can see how much it all adds up to. I dont know. I didn’t know it wasnt all me and it was him with the problem. I had no idea…..saying that I don’t think it would have made any difference my friends and family tried to tell me and I thought they were jealous. Just know that there’s a brighter future waiting out there for you when you’re ready. It’s so hard what you’re going through give yourself credit for your strength 💙

      • #116295
        gettingtired
        Participant

        Thanks freedomfries01, trying to look after myself as best I can as everything else is so exhausting. Yes I always used to defend my partner too if I felt anyone was picking at something, maybe I still would as I haven’t opened up about the abuse yet to family but at least I know it’s him and not me xx

    • #116233

      Gettingtired I know exactly how you feel. I felt the sad desperate feeling for years and during that time I now realise I was becoming detached from him I hated him even when he was being nice I switched from hating him to feeling sorry for him. Like you I wanted to float away and would imagine throwing myself downstairs for a hospital stay for a break and a cry for help. In the end I would wonder what I was waiting for was I waiting for him to cheat or worse behaviour. Then our the blue after an awful night (which is had plenty of times before shouting and bawling and stab threats) I confessed to a friend the police became involved and I’ve barely spoken to him in months. I never thought I’d leave as I felt sorry for him being alcoholic but even though it’s been soooo hard it’s easier than living that life. Lots of love to you x*x

      • #116296
        gettingtired
        Participant

        Thanks ijwh, I’m the same.. even when he’s nice and love bombing now I feel uncomfortable and like none of it is genuine. Still really hurts though as I used to long for that nice side of him after nasty episodes. So many difficult emotions to face. I’m glad you found strength to get away 💕

    • #116284
      Lostforever
      Participant

      I called the police one night after locking myself in my car following yet another assault. They turned up and his lies meant I ended up getting arrested and cautioned. To this day I believe all I did was defend myself. I took him back but I knew then that he’d lie to the police to get me into trouble in a heartbeat. That scared me so much that I knew that next time he assaulted me, I would make a statement to the police. I never had done before and he’d got away with his abuse. I didn’t have to wait long. He assaulted me again. I made a statement and he got convicted. I was finally free.

      • #116297
        gettingtired
        Participant

        Hi lostforever, how awful that you ended up being the one who got arrested. Thank goodness you found the strength to report him and get away and find freedom xx

      • #116320
        Lostforever
        Participant

        Gettingtired, it was suggested to me that I appeal against my caution, but I never did. i just wanted it all over. But one thing I do know is that I would never trust the police again. He had a record of DV as long as your arm, including numerous arrests for assaulting me, and I was the one sitting barefoot and half naked in my car on the phone to their dispatcher in tears. As a result, when he assaulted me for the final time, I was too scared to call 999 in case I got into more trouble. In the end, I called a friend in a desperate state and although I asked her not to, she dialed 999.

    • #116317
      Lottieblue
      Participant

      Hello @gettingtired,

      I think a lot of us on here have been where you are. I certainly was. Keep coming back to the forum. I can’t stress enough how important support is. You just build it up slowly. As people have already said, you put things into place, not necessarily with a plan to go, but so if/when there comes a moment where you say to yourself “it’s now!!”, you are in a position to leave. So make sure you have some cash, somewhere to go, etc. They all said to me, too, You’ll know. And I did. And I leant. I leant really hard on the small number of people around me who knew. That included my local Women’s Aid, one very close friend, and gradually my family members. And the people on here, especially a small number who I was messaging via PM, who had watched my journey and who were tuned in to what was going on. I really can’t emphasise enough, I have never before in my life had such an experience – I was stripped naked, I was calling on every last resort in my body, and I needed the strength of others.

      I had that feeling of despair. I didn’t know what was going to become of me. But in some ways I think that maybe I had to get to that point before I would find it in myself to act.

      Keep coming back!!! I know you feel like you’re going crazy, but you’re not. If you want to leave him then you have it within you to do it. I still can’t believe I’ve done it. I know I still have a very long journey ahead of me. But it was the bravest thing I will probably ever do in my life, and if I can do that, then I can tackle what lies ahead too.

      LB x*x

      • #116319
        Lostforever
        Participant

        You’re so right. I couldn’t ave done it alone. I started by telling only one close friend, but over time, my support network grew. Luckily, I had lots of people rooting for me.

    • #116351
      WalkerInTheRain
      Participant

      I was miserable and ground down for ages and it took my friend to open my eyes to his behaviour. It still took months of hemming and hawking and careful preparation before I left.
      For me it was reaching that rock bottom and realising that there was no amount of anything I could do to improve the situation as it stood. A couple of other things also happened to cement my plans; a friend sadly died in their early 30’s and I thought “if that was me, would I be happy with what I’ve achieved in life” and a colleague said she was marrying her best friend and I couldn’t even have a proper conversation with my husband let alone consider him as a friend.
      I also kept an event diary for a few months before leaving and that was a huge support every time I doubted myself because I could refer back to it and drink in some of that anger and indignation to spur me forwards.

Viewing 10 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ Jobs

EXIT SITE

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account