This topic contains 6 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  bettersafenfree 9 months ago.

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  • #64275
     NewWings 
    Participant

    Until recently it was me and the kids,now they’re with their Dad. He has done everything in his power to destroy me mentally and physically. The mental bit waS easy as there is a history of it in my family. Once I started to realise the crazy stuff was him his doing, he had already beaten a track to my sisters door who lapped it all up. Now I really am on my own and I’m wondering if I can cope with another winter. The empty nest syndrome is real and I am fed up with the dragging out of the divorce his doing. People say things will get better but I am so upset about the damage done to my children and the lies they have heard about me. My sister has I’m afraid revelled in all of this. Even now she passes on any titbits of info to him. Christmas I know will be on my own and my mother has already told me she will be spending it with my sister. I dread Sunday nights as we talk about nothing except the weather and her trips to some event or another. She never asks how I am. She’s not interested, I have seen her twice this year and I know it will probably be next year before I see her again. My family back my ex and anything I have intimated about him are just the ravings of a mad woman. I just want to run away from this nightmare. I rarely see my children now,he actively encourages them not to come or says he’ll take them to the cinema. Yet he has the nerve to email me about my youngest college courses. When does this torture end? Please someone tell me an uplifting outcome of their own.

  • #64276
     Twisted Sister 
    Participant

    Hi NewWings

    No matter where they are, you will always be their mum, they will never have the same love for anyone else that they have for you no matter who has control of their minds right now.

    It shouldn’t be some sort of sick competition, of him or you, that’s how they make it, and they have to win!!

    I don’t doubt we all face that risk, and not because they love and want to care for them, but because they own them.

    What kind of things are you into? What do you enjoy; I just think you have to spend as much time enjoying things that fulfill you and make you happy as you can. Do special stuff with your kids when you see them. It’s heart-breaking, and isn’t there anything you can do to challenge this?

    I’m not asking you to share more than you want but just throwing some thoughts out there. I mean just how does he have them when he’s talking so badly of their own mother to them?

    I really think you need some solid support and legal advice because with this you will feel stronger and know how to take back control of your life and have your children with you.

    I don’t know that anyone got out easy or kept their children without a really hard fight, I think those ones are sadly the rarity.

    I know some have had brilliant support around and got validation from specialist services and had family and friends who believed, but its just not happening for many.

    No matter how little they see their kids its always an opportunity to twist their minds against us it seems. They have energy for this fight that I just don’t understand.

    I’m sorry I can be inspirational, but there are some inspirational stories out there,but I think k stories like yours and others here are more usual.

    Do you have a WA locally. I was just reading about a Mackenzie friend d who gives legal support for free,and as your divorce isn’t over the children are part of that. How are they supposed to make their mind up about their mother when their father is cruel about you to them, they are probably quite scared of hi.but by agreeing with him keep on his good side, I cannot believe they don’t really want to be with use he just abusing them with the enticements to lure them away, simple as that.

    Do keep posting and try to contact some agencies that can help you with support and legal advice.

    There is better than this.

    Warmest wishes ts

  • #64282
     freedomtochoose 
    Blocked

    I don’t know if this is helpful but there is an organisation called mothers apart from their children MATCH. It may help. My thoughts are with you. love ftc x

  • #68562
     Nemesis 
    Participant

    I have come late to the realisation that my over (detail removed by moderator) marriage was emotionally abusive. Now I look back and I’m incredulous that I could have accepted guilt for everything that happened. But it starts slowly until you are so beaten down you can’t do anything but accept his view. I learnt to shield my children from the knowledge of what their father was like. So when I finally separated they believed their fathers picture of me which I had done nothing to alter. But Karma although slow finally catches up. My daughter caught my husband talking to the mistress he had been seeing for over (detail removed by moderator). He had denied she existed and convinced my daughter I was imagining things and was nuts . The scales fell from her eyes in a second. Your children will eventually realise what he’s like and until then reach out to them on a different level. Glue on a smile they don’t want a misery and try to give them a great time. Cry afterwards. Create a new picture for them plan it and practice. It will raise doubts in their minds which will one day pay off. Cut contact with him go through a third party for arrangements. I’ve blocked 3 email addresses and 2 phones. These abusers want their cake and eat it. Don’t give him control. He will get frustrated and give himself away. Good luck.

  • #68574
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi @nemesis, what wise words. I too have been in a long term relationship with my OH. It really is incredulous how we normalize their behaviour fir so long , but once the scales fall away, nothing will make you see them any differently.
    I’m so pleased your daughter has seen him for what he is, my children aren’t his and they saw through him at puberty, I’m so proud of them. They HAD to leave me, probably at the most vulnerable times in their own lives, who knows what would have happened if they hadn’t. I didn’t fight to see my own children because I didn’t want to upset him, go behind his back, that’s wrong on so many levels. Now because of that (my), behaviour, he uses it, saying why do they not visit you, why don’t you see much of your grandson, your son never buys you presents. (Christmas,birthday). It’s not presents that I want, it’s being able to spend time with them and not just once or twice a year. Or not having to hear, well seeing its nearly their birthday/ Christmas, that’s the only time you see them. My son’s at an age now that even normal mother/ son relationships dwindle a bit. My own brother very rarely sees my parents but he does phone them.
    It will fit into place one day 💛

    IWMB 💕💕

  • #69819
     Doris 
    Participant

    Hi NewWings, Ditto to the above. You remain your children’s mother and he’ll never be able to change that. Perhaps that’s what he cannot stand – he has no control over the fact that you will always remain your children’s mother. Children/young adults are extremely perceptive and don’t always show their understanding of a situation for many reasons. Such as not wanting to rock the boat because they are well aware of the controlling behaviour of a parent like their Father. I felt the same ie. that my husband only showed his good side to the children when young but now they are adults they know exactly what he is like – they are not stupid. But he is still their Dad and they still love him but because I know that they know what living with him is like they give me support with small gestures and words and I truly believe your children will be the same. If you allow your ex. to get to you then he’s won, his mission is complete. Don’t let him – you’re better than that. X*X

  • #72840
     bettersafenfree 
    Participant

    Try attending if you can find one- The freedom programme where you can learn about domestic violence and abuse. It changed my life and has empowered me. If you cant find one near to attend there is a book which is the basis of this DV programme called “Living with the Dominator”, easy to get online, for about £10. its by Pat Craven. Its life changing, simple to read and in a format of the different personas of the abuser – which in my case was everyone!…be kind to yourself X

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