Is this a good reason for behaviour?

[Pea2020]

I’m feeling so guilty today. And sad.
He does so many good things and I do feel like he genuinely cares.

I’ve been told by my support worker, plus other people that he’s been abusing me physically, emotionally and sexually for a (detail removed by moderator).

But I still love him even though I want to leave. I’m going to miss him so much.

He says that some of his controlling behaviour is down to anxiety about my safety and the kids safety.

Is this a good reason for controlling behaviour? Or just an excuse?

[Hawthorn]

He will tell you black is white if he thinks it will make you stay. There is no excuse for controlling and abusing you and your children. Anxiety is certainly no excuse. What part of worrying about peoples safety makes you physically and sexually assault them? What he’s saying makes no sense.

Talking to him is screaming into the void. He will use every interaction to weasel his way out of responsibility and confuse you. Google trauma bonding, that’s what’s causing you to feel like you love him so much and will miss him.

Well done posting here, keep reaching out. He will twist reality around him to fit his narrative. Reassurance and validation of your experience is essential.

He is an abuser. He is not sorry. These men dont change. You and your children dont deserve any of this xx

[KIP.]

There is never an excuse for domestic abuse. Have you read about trauma bonding. These abusers wear a mask. They can be nice when they want in the love bombing phase to hook us back in. If he was horrible all the time we would leave. He’s extremely manipulating. Nobody who cares about you deliberately hurts you and he chooses this behaviour. He abuses you behind closed doors. He knows it’s wrong. Imagine your kids grown up and having a partner that abuses them they way you are abused. Children also learn from their father and are far more likely to be abused as adults if they come from an abusive home. I felt incredibly guilty because that’s how I’d been brainwashed in the fog of abuse. The Fear obligation and Guilt.

[Eggshells]

They can seem so genuine and their excuses confuse us into believing that what they do is well meant. Abuse is never well meant. It is designed to serve their needs and nothing else. Once you’re out, you can see it all so much more clearly.

Trauma bonding is when your body fills with cortisol in the response to the stress of the tension that builds up to the incident of abuse that is coming. After the abuse happens, you’re partner will be apologetic and try to bond with you again. At this point, the cortisol disappears and is replaced by dopamine. Dopamine is a feel good hormone and it helps you bond to the person who is responsible for the dopamine. So first you get the trauma followed directly by the bonding process. Because your partner is now being nice to you, you relate this feel good to your relationship with your partner. It tricks you into thinking that you love him. It’s not love, it is a chemical bond and that is very different.

There is no excuse for abuse. If he was anxious about the safety of you and your family, he wouldn’t be making your life so unsafe.

[Pea2020]

Thank you all for your replies. What you are all saying does make a lot of sense.

I do feel that he comes across as so genuine when he makes these excuses for his behaviour. He may even believe the excuses in that moment.

His words contradict his behaviour a lot of the time.

[Leapfree]

I was love bombed in the beginning I fell into a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship for (detail removed by Moderator) years. I knew what it was but it was life as I knew it. My daughter being born gave me the strength to leave. It was hard for 6 months, in the sense I believed he wanted to do right, change, accept responsibilty and help me but I stayed strong, knowing it was the hundreth time he’d promised me the world, what I deserved.

Only with time after separation, did I start unravelling and understanding the ‘formal’ words for his behaviour, ‘love bombing’, ‘gaslighting’, ‘coercive control’. I have received counselling, I have received support from multiple agencies, many advising me to research n********m and how to protect myself from that, from him.

Ultimately you will leave, but only when you have had enough, when it is right for you. You can have 100 people telling you that you need to do it, be strong and not look back. You need to love yourself though, you need to believe there is someone out there who will treat you the way you always dream of. Someone who shows you off, tells you you are beautiful and amazing every day.

It is hard, it is exhausting, painful and at times too much to handle alone. Leaving will push you to breaking point multiple times, you will question if it was worth it. But it is so worth it once you come out the other side

I have met my soulmate now, I can hand on heart say he is the love of my life, I smile and laugh everyday. My own mum said to me, you met him because he saved you from being destroyed by him – she worried constantly it would all be too much, it was but I had him, I had support.

I wish you all the best

[Hetty]

There is never an excuse for abuse. My ex had a truly awful childhood and being an empath and co-dependent I wanted to save him. I explained away a lot of his behaviour because of one excuse or another. Finally I saw that in order to allay his mental health issues my mental health had to suffer. I was nothing more than an emotional punchbag. Sure it wasn’t always bad, he could be generous and do things for me, but always it was about him “look what I do for you”. He did these things to justify the psychological torture he inflicted on me. Finally I decided enough was enough and took a leap of faith. I didn’t want my child having to spend adulthood recovering from living in a dysfunctional home.
Even though I still loved my ex husband and then started to educate myself about live bombing, co dependency and trauma bonding. As much as it hurts and it’s scary to be single again I can now see I’m not leaving behind a loving relationship, what I felt/feel is not love. I started to ask myself why others have healthy relationships yet I am ok with being treated like s***e for the sake of a few good times.
Stay strong. Stay focused on the reality of how bad things are. I YouTube videos about abuse and stuff whenever I feel my resolve wobbling x

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