Is this about helping me or control

[Byzantium]

Hi all. I’ve posted here a few times before and I wanted everyone’s views on something which has happened recently. After a tough year juggling lockdowns, a very stressful job, being the sole financial provider, fertility issues, his behaviour and health issues I have been gradually not feeling myself. I currently sleep 3 hours a night on a good night. Other nights I am awake all night and will carry on as normal the next day and repeat. I had some bad news (detail removed by Moderator) which has taken its toll on me mentally and I ended up seeing the GP about my low mood and insomnia. My partner was initially very supportive, however, once he found out I had been prescribed antidepressants he quickly demanded to see them. After reading the leaflet and that one possible side effect was a possible impact on fertility he said that he did not want me taking them before I had discussed it with him and agreed. He said he would keep the medication with him so I don’t take them without him knowing. The stress has caused my psoriasis to flare up. He insist I take his ‘advice’ and use the creams he want as he wants me to look good for a (detail removed by Moderator) coming up. If I don’t take his ‘advice’ and decide on another option he gets very annoyed even when I don’t ask for his advice. I feel if I don’t go along with his advice I’ll have to deal with a mood or argument/name calling.
When I had a health scare (detail removed by Moderator) and needed tests the first thing he said was what does that mean for what I want. I feel like I am unimportant as a human being and it’s all about me meeting his wants and needs which take absolute priority. He has also fallen out with my family which is causing issues with me being in the middle. He was sympathetic after my bad news for about 24 hours and now it’s back to calling me an assortment of names deriding my intelligence or that I am ‘incapable’ of doing a particular thing which kind of makes me feel like there is something fundamental and unimprovable about me. Just feeling really fed up today and can’t see anything positive.

[Anonymous]

They leave destruction in their wake. There is nothing ‘unimprovable’ about you. And I’m sorry to say, it will be hard to improve your situation while he is still a part of it.
I’m sorry for all the stress you have been dealing with. It sounds like he sucks the life out of you. You are precious and deserve better. Don’t listen to the poison that comes out of his mouth.
Having a child would tie you to him, and he would be able to hurt you even more for years to come. That control he holds over you and tries to enforce will most likely spill over into his parenting.
It sounds like what he wants is always physical from you. And if you can’t provide that, you are devalued. It’s demoralising.
‘How he gets into her head, the mind of the male intimate abuser’ by Don Hennessy came to mind when reading your post.
Not sure if you can read this privately. Just to make sure you stay safe.
Once again I want to say, this isn’t your fault, nothing is wrong with you, and you don’t deserve this xx

[Author]

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