Is this abuse?

[Sunflower1]

Hi I am new to posting on the forum but have been reading other people’s experiences for a few months trying to find similar stories I suppose. I live with my partner and our two children, most of the time he is ok, he’s lazy and selfish and moody, I always say he’s like Jeckyl and Hyde, you never know which version you are going to get. Then every so often he has these outbursts it can be over anything usually something very minor and he’s rude, aggressive, threatens me, calls me fat, ugly, a tramp, swears etc. The only way to deal with it is getting out of the house, it can go on for a couple of days then of course he’s sorry will get help, it’s not his fault etc. He isn’t usually violent but he did grab my hair and get me by the throat once, I called the police and I think that’s the best thing I could have done because he received a caution and he knows next time he’ll be arrested. I want to leave the relationship because I don’t love him anymore, he’s worn me down and to be honest I’m not putting up with it but I have no money and although I’m trying to get social housing it will be a long wait because I’m not high priority. I’ve reached the point now I can’t even be around him I hate him and the way he behaves. Sorry for rambling I think I just need to talk to someone as I’m keeping it all to myself.

[KIP.]

Hi and welcome. Have you engaged with your local women’s aid? Mine helped with housing and if you’re a victim of domestic abuse, the local authorities have to duty to rehome you. There is also a women’s aid refuge should you need to get away quickly. Going for your throat is extremely dangerous and makes you more likely to be badly hurt or worse. Have you had a risk assessment done? Have you read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. What you describe sounds like a cycle of abuse. Google that. Don’t think you’re safe just because he’s been cautioned. When the red mist comes over them, they just don’t care. It also doesn’t matter what you do, he will just move the goal posts and find something to abuse you over. It’s good you’ve realised you deserve better. Women’s aid can help with a safe exit plan. For you and your children x

[BeautyMarked]

Hi, Sunflower.

You’ve not rambled at all. Sadly, the things you describe about him are all too familiar. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that. No one should have to. It’s good to have got to a point where you know you do not love him and want to get away from this abuse and manipulation. It’s truly disgusting and it sounds as though he’s escalating as much as he may be trying not to get himself into more trouble. These people are both cunning and stupid all at once. They are not really rational and even though he may know he’s got to try not to be caught, they do sometimes slip up.

You are in a difficult situation and I sympathise. Have you called Women’s Aid for a chat? They are so good and may be able to offer advice and help signpost you. I don’t have experience of needing to get out like this but I’m sure others will be full of good advice also. It’s so important that you keep yourself safe and keep posting as and when you need to. I hope you find a way x

[Sunflower1]

Thank you, I’ve emailed womens aid as not sure when I’d be able to call them. I should have left a long time ago, I hoped he would to be honest but I can’t see that ever happening. It’s hard because after the event he’s all nice and full of promises and even though I don’t believe it at all I end up feeling guilty then think about the kids and how upset they will be, well my oldest will the other is too young. It’s so hard isn’t it? I keep saying to myself if it happens again I’m going but then I don’t, in some ways it’s easier not to just keep the peace but I know I could be happy and I know I deserve to be. I honestly think if I didn’t have children I would have gone years ago.

[KIP.]

Keep trying women’s Aid. It’s for the children’s sake you really need to get out. You don’t want them learning from an abuser. You want them to see a fun happy confident mum setting a good example and a good role model. Not allowing herself to be abused. Not that I’m blaming you, there’s only one guilty party here. They learn from this and think it’s normal. I know how desperately difficult it is to leave an abuser. We are stuck in the FOG of abuse, the Fear Obligation and Guilt. You’re going through a cycle of abuse. I got trapped in that for decades till I worked it out with the help of WA.

[Sunflower1]

I know it’s never going to get better, it’s gone on so long and I’ve tried to help in so many ways, I’ve made excuses for him constantly. I know as well if I spoke to my family they would help me, my sister has witnessed some of the behaviour and said if I ever needed to I can always stay with her but she lives quite far away and I wouldn’t take his children away. I can’t quite find the courage to tell her everything though and totally open up, I don’t want anyone to know my plans to leave but at the same time I don’t think I can get out without help, I don’t want to have to go to a hostel but I will if it is the only way, I think I’m just worried about it, I’d still have to go to work and the kids would have to go to school etc so I don’t think I’d be free of him, I’m worried he would use the kids against me and try and take them.

[Sunflower1]

He’s kicked off again tonight because I didn’t make him tea, I was at work until 6 and then did the children’s bath and bed while he sat on his phone. I went to bed to avoid the argument but he was shouting, slamming doors then telling me he was taking my bank card to order a take away. I am scared as well I’m scared to go downstairs where the bathroom is, I feel sick and shaky and I’m so sick
Of feeling like this. I will phone women’s aid tomorrow for advice, I
Was just wondering though what will happen? If I need to go in to a refuge will it be in my town or do I move? What about my job which people rely on me for, my kids are settled here and I won’t be able to take much with us, I know it can all be replaced but I feel awful for them leaving everything they know. I’m so angry that he’s driven me to this.

[KIP.]

Abuse always gets worse. WA can run through all your options. We were all scared of leaving our abusers. That’s how they trap us. Through fear. You need to try and open up to people. I kept my terrible secret for years yet when I did open up, people were so very supportive. There is lots of help out there. The helpline number on here is 24 hrs. Try to ring them. If you’re scared of your husband then ring 999. Start keeping a journal. You could consider a civil exclusion order to keep him out your home and away from you. If you can ring Rights of Women for free legal advice too. He chooses to behave this way. He knows what he’s doing and it’s despicable behaviour that just gets worse.

[EbonyRaven]

Hi Sunflower, I’m sorry you’re going through all this at his hands. It must be awful for you, and for the children to hear him shouting like that too. I imagine that must be scary for them.

By taking them out of that environment you will be doing the best possible thing for them. Of course, they may take a while to settle however they will be removed from living inside a toxic atmosphere. Children pick up on that sort of thing very easily but don’t know how to make sense of it. Leaving will be the best gift you can give them.

By the way, taking and using your bank card is theft. My ex did that to me and I reported it to the police as I didn’t give him permission to use the card. They took it totally seriously.

I hope you manage to get away, and I’d also like to say that since you’ve been through the whole realisation that you can’t love him any longer, please don’t feel guilty at not missing him. There are a lot of women that suffer from trauma bonding etc. and that’s very legitimate too, but I found that because I’d already gone through the emotional separation from him I didn’t feel that way, I was just glad to be free. That is also a normal reaction, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling that way.

Much love. ER xx

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