- This topic has 12 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 5 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Hi everyone. I’m new here. Suppose just looking for some insight I’m feeling very confused. I’ve been with my partner for (detail removed by moderator) years. He’s always been a bit hot headed I would have said. I recently had a baby and a few months have passed and I feel almost like I’ve woken up from a fog. I’ve started seeing a counselor because I thought it was down to me. I’ve been talking to family and friends about what’s gone on and it doesn’t seem right. And I wonder where along the line I stopped seeing that. He’s always been a bit ‘particular’ and like things done his way. He would often fly off the handle about stupid things and call me names and then be very apologetic and say he was stressed. Twice I asked him to go see a counselor about his anger as I believed it was stress and he wasn’t good at handling it. When I got pregnant last year I found him very controlling and I felt like I was on eggshells the whole time wondering what form he would come home in. He told me one night when I was (removed by moderator) that he wanted to throw me against the wall and has told me that night and many nights to shut the f**k up you stupid c**t. Or watch your f***ing mouth. After I had the baby he made things very hard was controlling I couldn’t do anything right. Constant criticism and then came home one night really drunk and started hitting and kicking doors and furniture when baby was (detail removed by moderator) old. He says he doesn’t remember. I kinda shelved my feelings cause I needed to get on with being a mom and now a few months later I’m actually so angry and feel so stupid that I’ve allowed myself to be treated this way and brought a baby into a not healthy relationship. I just couldn’t see the wood from the trees. I always thought it was my fault that I was too soft and it was normal for him to get angry like that sometimes. I’ve asked him to see a counselor but he is going to a hypnotherapist to help him manage his stress. I don’t think that’s the answer. I feel so done I want to have peace in my home for my child and for myself but I don’t know how to end it. I’m torn between the sympathy that I have for him because it will break his heart and also anger thinking he wasn’t very loving of us when he did and said those things. I read a book called how he gets in her head by don Hennessy and it has given me some clarity I suppose i still don’t trust myself to make good decisions but I don’t know how long I can stay healthy in this limbo. I’m also plagued with self doubt that this is PPD and it’s all in my head and I’m making a bigger deal of it than it needs to be… I don’t know. Any advice would be appreciated xx
-
No amount of counselling is going to help him. You are absolutely right that abusers are pitiful. They are not worth the effort of hating. They are deeply damaged people and there is nothing at all you can do about it. Abusers don’t and can’t take responsibility. It’s as though their emotional development stopped when they were 2. You are dealing with an adult with the mindset of a toddler. None of this is your fault.
Please contact Women’s Aid and find a local branch. The Freedom Programme is brilliant. It’s really hard to take in that someone you love or loved would treat another human being in such a horrific way.
Please speak to your gp about what’s going on at home.
There is no point in trying to argue with an abuser. It is better to keep any conversations completely neutral. They will do anything they can think of to put you in the wrong. They will do anything they can to confuse you and make you doubt your reality. There’s lots of stuff on youtube which explains well n**********c behaviour.
-
Listen to your inner self,you know this isn’t right,to even speak to you that way is awful.
Perpetrators are weak and by being violent or to speak in an aggressive way that makes you feel low or scared is their way of making themselves feel better and you are not there for that.
You know what you have to do,the doubt you have is the fear,by facing that fear it will make you stronger.
-
-
-
Try not to undermine your experience. It’s so easy to think that other people have it so much worse. All abuse is rubbish. All abuse is unacceptable. It is really hard to get your head around. We don’t need to be reduced to pulp on the floor for abuse to have a profound effect on us. When we live with abuse, we live in shadows. It took me a long time for the scales to fall off my eyes and recognise my ex’s behaviour for what it was.
It sounds as though you are making progress. It is so worth speaking to Women’s Aid.
-
Well done for coming online and opening up, the first step is always so hard. The others are right in saying no amount of counselling will help him, he’s not going to drastically change and chances are very high that he never will change no matter how much we hope they will. It defiantly isn’t your fault, you’re not being dramatic or overly sensitive and it definitely isn’t all in your head. These men like to get inside our heads and make ourselves become our own worst enemies. So we end up telling ourselves it’s all our fault but you must keep telling yourself that it isn’t! Babies pick up on more than we realise they can sense tension and can feel our emotions even though they don’t understand what these emotions are soon enough they grow up and begin to see what is really going on and that is no environment for a baby. Your baby needs a happy mummy, not somebody who’s upset all the time and walking on egg shells because she’s going to start picking up on things sooner than you think x
-
Thank you so much. I just really need to hear it’s not in my head. I can’t understand how I lost my sense of right and wrong and blamed myself and minimized things so much. It wasn’t until recently I stopped and thought If this was my friend/ sister/ niece I would be like what are you doing… in some ways having my baby has made me stronger because I want the best life for it. And if it’s not good enough for my baby why is it good enough for me…
thank you all for taking the time to respond x hope you are all doing well x -
Helloeveryone – I just rad your post and it could have been written by me a few months ago…I also felt that I suddenly snapped and could see how wrong it had all been but pre having my daughter I was just swept up in it all as of course he had got inside my head and is manipulative. It’s so hard not to doubt yourself and I even went to several counselors and wanted them to verify that it was actually a reason to want to leave and I wasn’t going mad. I think this is because my husband always minimised everything too so it made me question it all. Also look at ‘cognitive dissonance’ that explains a lot. Definitely call Womens aid because they will be able to listen to your experience and validate it. sending love and strength – you will be OK x*x
-
-
Hi guys me again… just feeling very low today… I’m so confused about what to do next. He is on his best behavior recently doing things to help out and being so good with our baby. It’s actually just annoying me because I know it’s not genuine. But then I doubt myself and wonder is it me should I be trying harder if he is… we had a conversation last night he says he wants to start again and that he knows now he needs help but he hasn’t been ready to accept it till now. He will be different and he’s sorry. It should make me happy but it doesn’t. I told him I would really like some space it would be good for us and he thinks it’s a bad idea. He doesn’t want to not live with our baby and if he goes then the baby goes with him.
I feel like s**t. I feel hopeless like I’m trapped in this. -
In my experience he will only be able to keep it up until he knows your guard Down and you think it’s changed then all of a sudden you’re back in the midst of it not realising that it happened again. I always get more cross at myself because in my heart I knew it was going to happen but I kept trusting him. Don’t feel bad about not being taken in by him. Someone who would scare you with threats and call you those terrible things when you’re carrying his baby is not someone who can change his spots for relatively nothing. Take care of yourself you deserve to be happy and secure xx
Also if he’s saying he’s not leaving with his child that’s not right. He’s threatening you to make you stay. You don’t feel at ease because he’s not being genuine at all. If he was serious surely he’d give you your space and not threaten you with taking your baby.
-
Hi there and well done for posting. Has as anyone mentioned the cycle of abuse to you. It explains the walking on eggshells, the b..w up, the honeymoon phase, the whole works. You are not crazy but he is very guilty of crazy making behaviour which is a criminal offense now. Keep posting and reading others posts as well. I read through lots before I first posted, it’s like someone opens the curtains and you see exactly what’s going on. Try and get in touch with WA, he will be on his best behaviour for a while as you are showing signs of pulling away from him. They say and do anything to keep you, I jyst shake my head now when I hear my oh’s attempts. I so see through his trickery. Read up on going grey rock too. It helps deal with these men until you’re strong enough to break free. Confide in your doctor or health visitor if you can. It may take a while to be able to open up. I’m in a place now where what my oh wants makes no difference to me. I’ve been gone (detail removed by moderator) months+, the longer you’re away from their controlling behaviour the easier it gets to stay strong. Do it for your little one too. As mums we do all we can to give them the best start in life, that also includes their mental health jyst as much as ours. Each baby step you take away from him is a reason to be thankful. Healthy loving relationships are not like this. Try and not rise to his niggly ways, his attempts to cause chaos.
Good luck, you can do this. These men have no idea how strong we are but once we hit that enough is enough, that’s when the dynamics begin to change. Toy are already changing, you see him for what he is. 💪
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞 -
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
