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    • #91228
      Bingbunny
      Participant

      Hi
      *a long one so apologises*
      Background…..
      Was with me now ex (detail removed by moderator)  and I have (detail removed by moderator) children of my own and (detail removed by moderator) with him. From the start it wasn’t the best as I was messaged 2 days after  giving birth by a woman asking me if I was still with him as she saw my status on Facebook and that they actually were together. Of course he denied it and I forgave him due to the new baby. (When baby (detail removed)  he had another affair (detail removed)) but I was told by him if I mentioned it he would go and for the kids I shut up.

      Time went on I knew he had a son from a previous relationship who he hadn’t seen for (detail removed)years but I found out he actually has a wife whom he was separated from and that have a son (detail removed by moderator) . Ex has a social services record for domestic abuse and (detail removed)(never tried this with my kids)

      Anyway throughout the relationship although no physical violence it was his always his rules ranging from small stuff where he had us all checking mirrors were polished and sofa cushions were tidy and dishes done or it would cause a issue where he went in and on about them to rules like the younger child couldn’t have a doll or she would want a baby as a teenager or can’t go to school discos as she would want to go clubbing or go to birthday parties etc etc. Father Xmas and tooth fairy and bunny are all lies apparently and you shouldn’t lie to kids… heartbreaking as he told her this from day one He began to get worse with discipline and discussion about the same thing over and over. A real issue was present with what he saw as rudeness esp with my eldest teenager. He had a argument with my family who asked him to step back a bit with the Older one and he did hone my mum after and st he would but he couldn’t and it got worse.

      The real issue arose when my teenager (detail removed) asked to go to park after school with her friends and he said no and when she (detail removed) wanted to go to parties and got a boyfriend. He said (detail removed) too young for a boyfriend and it all blew up with constant issues and discussions and rules. Accusations of her not telling the truth about Where she met him, telling me if she could go out I wasn’t to collect her or drive her anywhere. Telling her she can’t go every time and of course this ended with them clashing and her hating me as he had the final say just to keep the peace otherwise t ended in him going on and on about it.
      It blew up when she was due (detail removed) to go on holiday with the boyfriend and his family. He was obviously looking for a reason for her to go and started to bring up almost a year later about her being too young for a boyfriend and she lied bout where she met him and when ( she didn’t) he was fixated. She had had enough and told him to F off and he wasn’t her father.

      Due to her being ‘rude to him’ he told her she wasn’t going on the holiday and told me to tell her she wasn’t going. I didn’t agree and it was the end of the world. I asked him to compromise then and for years but apparently he does compromise.

      He said he was leaving if the holiday went ahead and to cut a long story short he did (detail removed).
      Sinc then to this day all he wi to about is that incident and why we done to him as he had to leave. A year of the same topic over and over again

      He has an issue with everything and will repeat it over and over. He says he is always right and it’s all me and he is never wrong. The slightest thing is rudeness and he says he won’t have ANY Rudeness.( kids are too worried to be rude apart from normal kids stuff)

      My main issue here is the (detail removed) year old.
      He left (detail removed) but since then we have been ’trying’ to stay together so to speak. I was doing it for the younger child as I wanted to be there to vet his behaviour and what he said to her. He has so many rules and speaks so negatively to her about what was done to him and how bad my family are and how he is not in the circle.
      She asks me why daddy is so strict and says horrible things about people and why she can’t go to the disco etc. She has drawn pictures of him going on and on and saying ‘ I hate your family’
      If she says she got all her maths write he questions her on and on about why she has got some wrong other times and why she didn’t say she was struggling for eg and doesn’t see the fact she got them right. The school re happy with her and say she’s not struggling but he won’t believe it

      I have only given a few examples of his control. I couldn’t take it anymore so we are finally over as I saw sense.

      He was having nightly calls with her for an hour a time which was al lot to fit in and we saw him every weekend. He lives in a van so we had to go places at Weekends. If he came here to the house it started up the past and what was done to him even worse on and on all day.

      I have stopped calls and seeing him the last (detail removed) as he came round (detail removed) nd spent the time talking negative to the (detail removed) year old about all that was done to him? She was upset about what he was saying and I said to stop and you don’t talk to a child about that stuff.
      He said he can and will continue to and stormed out.

      What do I do? He has never had her a day on his own and if I’m not there I don’t know what he will be saying to her or expect of her behaviour wise.

      He is telling me I will be arrested for not allowing him to have her every weekend etc and threatening a solicitor. Then next minute telling me he won’t go to a solicitor as he still loves me?? Then back to I will be arrested

      He is so erratic and can’t drop normal stuff or be reasonable and compromise it all has to be his way or no way

      Should I let him have her?
      Should I continue no contact to save her sanity
      What about the social services record?
      Do I want her to go through more rules and not being able to have a normal life? To be looking at everything she says and does and analyse if it will make him start up again with another issue?

      He doesn’t see his other son as his wife took him to another country after the social service business and he doesn’t bother to see him or his eldest for years

      Obviously this message does not say how bad it is to be worried if someone will come home and find another issue with someone or something or another rule to live by

      Advice appreciated

      And yes I should have left from day one but financially and mentally it has taken me a long time and the realisation my middle child will want to start to socialise soon and it will all start again with him…

      He is sending me email after email requesting to see her and has compiled previous messages between us into a folder obviously making himself look good

      Most stuff is verbal and going on and on over and over again saying everyone is against him and he’s not in the circle and look what’s been done to him.

      If I say what about your rules and negativity and threatening to leave if I speak about cheating etc what about his behaviour to the eldest child etc I’m told he is always right and it’s all me and I need help

      Will I go to prison?
      Do I have to let him have the (detail removed) year old?
      Am I wrong stopping contact

      It’s verbal and he’s good at looking like he is not wrong
      I don’t know what to do

      He has a social service record do I contact them?

      Many thanks

    • #91254
      diymum@1
      Participant

      You won’t go to jail I promise xx he won’t stand a chance if he does take you to court. He has no fixed address he has a history of DV kids he’s not supporting- I think he would be lucky to get supervised contact. You need to document all off the above xx you have nothing to worry about keep her away from him . Her voice will count at this age xx I bet he doesn’t file for court but maybe you should xx I think you need to cut all contact with him and use a third party once/if contact is established xx the other option is ghost him he might just give up xx

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