Is this abuse?

[Titti]

Hi,
I also wonder if this is abuse. My boyfriend is very covert in his abuse. I think he use a lot of triangulation but I am not sure. I hope you can help me sort this out.

We met (detail removed by Moderator) years ago at a (detail removed by Moderator). He talked about his ex who was controlling, manipulative, egoistic, mean and jealous. They lived together for (detail removed by Moderator) years and have (detail removed by Moderator) children. He was never in love with her he told me. We were dating for a while and when I asked about his feelings for me he told me he was not in love with me but maybe would be. It was important in the beginning for him to be in love as he never was with his ex. But he had been in love, very much, with a few women after his divorse. Madly in love according to him. He talked a lot about these women and he also wrote with them on messenger. He also wrote to his first girlfriend, (detail removed by Moderator) years ago, they are still writing to each other every week. When they got in contact after his divorce he got feelings for her again but she didnt want to meet again. I once asked him What feeling he will have if they meet, if he will fall in love again (as he was not in love with me) and he told me ”(detail removed by Moderator)”. I also asked about the other women and got the same answer. I also asked if he wanted to see any if them if they got single and wanted to see him. Maybe, he told me. And if he could not primise to not fall in love. So after this answer I broke up with him. We didnt have any contact for (detail removed by Moderator) month, then he contacted me with love-bombing, he was now in love with me and always been and wanted us to try again. I decided to give it a new chance. So here we are again. And this triangulation…..He once said ”(detail removed by Moderator)”. That was (detail removed by Moderator) years after their divorce and during our (detail removed by Moderator) year. He also look a lot at women while having dinner with me at a restaurant or going shopping. Now when we are back together again he told me that he was seeing a female friend and having dinner with her just (detail removed by Moderator) before he came back to me. He said he felt excitet to see her, it felt like a date and maybe she was interested in something more. He had earlier been in love with her. When I got anxious about it, he told me there was nothing to worry about because they had been friends for many years and he just wanted her as a friend now. But it was still exciting to going on a date with her. He told me this because he now wants to have more girlfriends like this to meet more often and he told me this to check my reaction, if it is possible. He also said ”(detail removed by Moderator)”.

So my question, is this triangulation and emotional abuse?

He is sometimes telling me he is not in love anymore and don’t know if he wants to continue our relation. Then he changes again and is in love and also tells me he never said anything else. I think this i gaslightning?

[maddog]

Oh Titti, he sounds horrible. The way he describes his former wife is a massive red flag, and it’s better to understand it as a confession of his behaviour towards her. It casts a very different light over your relationship.

Listen carefully to what he says, keep a record, a diary or something.

Ideally you would run for the hills; maybe you’re not in that position at the moment.

Reading back on what you’ve written, do you think this is a man who respects and honours you? It appears from the outside that he’s definitely abusing you, hoovering you back up when he needs to sap more of your energy, and is probably doing other abusive things as well. He’s mucking around with your mind and treating you like a plaything, an object.

You’re so right to be concerned. His behaviour is awful. Please take a look at the Freedom Programme. Lundy Bancroft is also a useful resource. Women’s Aid can help.

Please remember that you’re not alone in this and none of it is your fault.

[Titti]

Thank you so much for your support! It helps me a lot. It is so hard to see what is going on in the relationship when you are in it. It is so confusing and when things happens spread out in time it is even harder. There can be long periods that are rather calm and then suddenly something odd happens. The gaslightning is really scary. He also does what I think is future faking, talking about us getting married some day and live together. Then suddenly talking about moving to a new appartment him self. And suddenly getting ambivalent and don’t know if he wants to be together any more. But this talk about other women is the worse. I once ask him if this was all about triggering me. He got so angry and threatend to leave, said I was paranoid and have crazy thought.

[Camel]

He’s making you work really hard to win his love. Then snatches it back if you look too comfortable. So you start the hard work again.

He set you up against other women right from the start. Made you believe you had to be better than them, more loving, more considerate. Lots of hard work from you.

When you tell him how distressing it is to hear about these women he withdraws ‘love’, threatens to leave, calls you crazy. So you shut up. Start the hard work again.

I’m fairly sure these other women are being spun the same lines. He lets them go then hoovers them back in when it suits him. They will be working hard too. Trying to be better than you. Assuming he tells them about you, that is. They are victims too – though that doesn’t mean you have to be considerate towards them.

All these women being strung along, working hard for this nut-job of a man. What a prize he is! Yes, it’s abuse. But does it need a label?

[Titti]

Thanks for your answer! It is true that he makes me shut up by threathening to leave when I ask him not to talk about these women. He also tells me I have big problems with jeolacy, thats the only problem. If I didnt react with jeolcay this would not be a problem, then he could talk about these women. As he cant, he feels controlled by me.

But now I can see a pattern. He does these things to trigger me and then he gets a reaction from me like anxiety or jeolacy. Then he tells me something is wrong with me, like I am being paranoid, controlling etc. Then I am not alowed to talk about it anymore, he gets very angry if I try and threathens to leave. If I talk about it after a few weeks or months he tells me I am wrong, he never did or said that, I have missunderstood him, got things wrong. That is gaslightning. I start to see this pattern very clearly, it has happend many times with different scenarios, but often with other women involved.

[Empoweredhealing]

He’s gaslighting and projecting his issues by blaming and accusing you. These are classic covert emotional abuse.

[Author]

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