Is this abuse & grounds for divorce?

[Grace]

I was with my ex for (removed by moderator) years and we’ve been married for almost (removed by moderator) years. I ended the relationship (removed by moderator) after being unhappy for most of the (removed by moderator) years……I could never put my finger on one HUGE reason for leaving him it was a collection of small things that just kept building up and making me so unhappy and feeling unloved, that feeling of “this is not what love should feel like”.

The truth may be that he has no idea what he’s done. As time went on after being separated for a few weeks and being out of the situation and talking openly to my mother and friends, I came to realise that it was in many ways a controlling and an abusive relationship where he coerced me into having sex when I really didn’t want to. I’ve finally realised that it was going on way before he actually said the words “if you don’t have sex with me, I’ll go elsewhere for it or end the relationship”. I also discovered something else; we went on a holiday together during (removed by moderator) of our relationship. During that holiday we had a very normal drunken night out, we ate food we drank and had a great night. I don’t remember getting back to the hotel. I woke in the morning to (removed by moderator) waking me telling me to “stay still and he would help me to the bathroom as I had had an accident and needed a shower”. I had had an accident and not just pee….I had never been so mortifyingly embarrassed in my entire life, I was totally devastated to be seen like this. I don’t even let a man into the bathroom when I pee or even let him hear it (I put loo roll in the loo before I pee). I rushed to the hotel bathroom with the sheets around me and locked the door refusing to come out……he was angry that I wouldn’t come out or stop crying and he was angry that I was so upset for the rest of the holiday and for a long time after we got home. A few years later I learned why he was so angry, it was to cover up his guilt……he openly admitted to me that he had performed anal sex on me whilst I was that drunk when we got back to the hotel that night. This had obviously been the reason for the “accident” as anal sex isn’t something I would usually do and if I did there are things you MUST do first to ensure such an accident doesn’t happen. He admitted to this and he thought it was funny, I didn’t say anything about it but I was very upset but I felt like I couldn’t talk about it to him and it was too embarrassing to talk about it to anyone else….I wasn’t sure if it was abuse but I think I am sure now.

(removed by moderator) I received a divorce petition from him and its full of petty lies as to why he’s divorcing me….. I cant simply agree to these terms and send it back. I want to tell him once and for all why I left him.

Are the things I discussed above grounds for defending a divorce petition? I want a divorce, but I don’t agree with his “facts”.

Grace x*x

[SaharaD]

If you didn’t consent to it, it is not only sexual abuse but anal rape.

Yes it would be grounds for a divorce.

Practically you cannot defend a divorce. You can cross or counter petition to have your side recorded. You can also say that you agree to the divorce but not the reasons for the divorce.

Or you can be like me and wait 5 years in the hope it will be done without contacting or needing me consent.

If you have children or joint finances then usually you can’t wait the five years.

Whatever you do don’t sign anything you are not happy with otherwise you will regret it later if you were assertive for yourself and your children’s future.

[Tuppance]

Oh my gosh – this is rape and abuse, I cannot understand why a man would think this was a) acceptable b) conceal it and c) laugh about it when caught. I would never trust this man at all and I would worry for your safety. Please take care and rid yourself of this disgusting person. X

[Ayanna]

You can refuse it and send your own petition. That man raped you. That is enough reason for a divorce. He comitted a seroius crime. If there is a witness who heard him admit it you can report him to the police.

[Falling Skys]

Hi and hugs

There are so many things you need to come to terms with when coming out of an abusive relationship.

If you just want to be free accept it. Mine divorce me siteing me leaving the maratal bed. The reason I left was for my safety. It will make no difference to a financial settlement etc. Or if you want to involve the police at a later date. Both questions I have asked.

I did find it hard to swallow what he said but abusers are never in the wrong. It is all about getting to the place you need to be. At first I was going to contest it but after taking with my solicitor, woman’s aid, police and friends I decided it was an other way to abuse me and keep me tide to him for longer.

I will be pressing charges when I am in a safe place. You need to think what you want to do. Do you have a support worker from woman’s aid? I did and it was a great support through this time. Talk to rape crisis even of this happen years ago they will help.

You can object to what he has sited but it will just make it drag on.

FS xx

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to send you a hug. What that man did to you is abuse and rape. We are all hear for you to talk to, about anything. Could you see a solicitor to ask about how you go about changing his ‘facts’?

Big hugs xx

[Grace]

Thank you for the words and the hugs which are greatly needed and very much appreciated x*x I still don’t know what to do….I need to talk to someone maybe some sort of counselling. X*x much love to you all x

[KIP.]

You could ring the helpline on here for advice. If it was me I would put my side, including the abuse and the fact that you were the one ended the relationship. You want the divorce, so I would get my side across, then agree to the divorce. My ex lies in every piece of correspondence. He’s dragged it on for years so I’d grab this chance to be rid of him.
What he put you through was horrific. Once things have calmed you could consider speaking to the police X a domestic abuse officer X

[Grace]

I’m still coming to terms with the fact that this has happened to me. I feel like I’m not in my life, work is where I feel good and can be myself. I’m trying to have a relationship but I don’t think I’m ready. He is amazing and because I’m on full guard I know he’s nothing like my ex…..I’ve asked him for space but he still has hope that we will be together……I can’t even stand his stuff in my house I want to be alone and think about only me and my boys. I just don’t know how to explain this to him. I feel awful.
Also my divorce is still ongoing, sent back the papers with my full story attached but agreeing to divorce.

[Author]

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