Is this abuse or do I deserve it?

[Trapped.]

Hello all, I’m back here again. (detail removed by Moderator) years after leaving the kids dad after domestic abuse and I feel like I’m maybe in the sameness position again.

When we first got together, everything was amazing. Actually he was the one who helped me realise what I was going through with ex was actually abuse because of what he was going through.

He’s been though a lot and suffers with mental health. He’s very emotionally distant. Always has been. I have always tried to do nothing but be there for him even if he pushes me away.

I ended up selfishly cheating on him, as I wasn’t getting the attention I needed. I held my hands up and apologised, explained and dealt with the consequences.

I’m struggling to realise and understand if I deserve the way I’m being treated or if it’s abuse?

We seem to go through this cycle where everything will be amazing, honeymoon phase amazing, then he will withdraw, withdraw contact, communication, affection and gets short, snappy, distant and cold. Until it blows up into a huge row and he kicks me and the kids out of our home and we go to our actual home. Then he says he’s sorry wants to work on it etc and it goes back amazing. And it’s always because of what I’ve done. It’s been (detail removed by Moderator) now and although I understand he may be hurt still, I still don’t feel like there’s a reason to treat me like this.

Signs I’ve noticed are:
Gaslighting
Withdrawing affection
Ignoring
Dismissing my feelings like they don’t matter
Turning rows etc around onto me so it’s always my fault
Lying
Betrayal
Yelling and lashing out
Grabbing me
Threatening violence
Name calling
Getting very personal in arguments
Rules are ok for him but not for me (he blocks me on WhatsApp whenever he feels like it’s in a row but when I do it I’m highly scrutinised)

But amongst all this, it isn’t all the time. He genuinely does try to change his behaviour and realises some of it isn’t good.

I don’t know what to do or think or say. I feel like I’m constantly in limbo. One minute he forgives me and wants to keep working on it and the next I’m a s**g because what I’ve done and there’s no point in trying because he’s the only one trying to help this relationship.

Any advice would be hugely appreciated. I feel like I’m going crazy. Sorry this isn’t long. I’m here at his now and thought I’d come back on here whilst he’s out. Don’t live with him, just stay at weekends. Although we basically lived together throughout lockdown even though I got my own flat.

Peace to everyone in this hard time. X*x

[Anonymous]

Sweetheart…….why oh why are you doing this to yourself and to your kids? It’s a pattern in your thinking and it has to be changed. Willfully changed by you. You don’t have to take this abuse and yet you are. His abusive behavior isn’t your fault and you know that. You’re an intelligent woman and I see that. So we don’t need to keep going back to our vomit like a dog, right? It’s just going to make us sick again…. You and your kids are worth more than that, right? Read what you wrote. What is that? It’s abuse.

You have to stay away from him and not be hoovered right back in. He’s getting off on the fact that he has the power to do this to you. I cringe saying he has power because I don’t call that real power but nonetheless it works on you. And that is all because of your low self esteem from what he’s done to you in the past and you never get well from that by still drinking from the poisoned well. That’s a contradiction. I want to get healthy but I keep sabotaging myself.

All he has going on here is noise. Blah, blah, blah, let me wind her up this way, wind her up that way. He won’t ever change, not really. If he was going to, he would have by now. He says sorry and attaches to that it was all your fault to begin with?? LOL! Ahhh yes, gotta love that one, eh?

Your standards have to change for what you allow in your life. The more you allow him to do what he’s doing, the more he disrespects you and thinks you deserve what you get. Abusers loathe their victims because they can keep them on a string and reel them back in anytime they want to. Makes their wee little egos feel all good and powerful. Disgusting. It’s an enormous feather in his hat that you are still willing to accept crumbs from his table even though you did get away. Don’t let him do this to you……again.

Make a list of what you want for your life, what kind of a man you would want when you are ready down the road. I would dare to say he won’t be on that list in any way, shape, form or fashion. Please stay away from him….he will destroy you if you let him. Get back to that strong place but you can’t do that when letting him gaslight you like this and turn everything around on you, him being hot and cold, hot and cold….you’re No I am not going to take this anymore from him or anyone else has to be rock solid. No gray area here. It’s either one or the other. Yes I am going to take this or no, I’m not.

His little good times and promises and fake apologies are rubbish. I wouldn’t even give him the time of day. Talk to the hand because the face isn’t listening. Heard it all before, seen it all before. But those patterns in your brain, those habits can’t be changed properly so you naturally go towards healthy thoughts and actions if you keep returning to your abuse. It just won’t happen, can’t happen. It’s like you’re in the hospital, on antibiotics but you keep a jar of poison under your sheets and you keep taking a teaspoon full and for what really? What is at the core of all this? You think you don’t deserve better? You do. But You have to believe that one. You do. Don’t look to him to be a cheerleader for you in this respect. He’s on the other team. Has been all along. Please see that. Read his actions. Not his words. Past behavior is a good prediction of future behavior. No more excuses for him please. At some point we just have to see what’s what and make a definitive decision to go the other way and stay on that path, right?

[Trapped.]

I don’t know if it’s clear but he’s not the person who I was in an abusive relationship with before.

It’s so difficult because I have bonded with his child too. So much has happened.

He made me abort our baby because he didn’t believe it was his.

Even his ex tried to warn me. I don’t know what’s to do because I struggle to break free. It’s like he’s got the strongest glue in the world. I’m getting stronger and managing to actually not feel so down and depressed when’s he treats me like s**t but your right, me and my kids deserve more!
I just think, what if this time round he changes and we have the best relationship and these were all distant memories.

I want to say thank you for clarifying the fact I’m not going crazy also because o thought this for a long time xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi Trapped,

I’ve just commented on your other post before I saw this one. Of course you don’t deserve this.

[Trapped.]

Hi wants to help,

Just replied on other one. Thank you so much for your reply on here also xx

[Wants To Help]

Reading this, it seems that you both have your own homes and you are spending a lot of time at his? Am I right? If so, you do have your own home you can go back to on a permanent basis?

(detail removed by Moderator)

Please let this forum provide you with that ‘light bulb moment’ (although I think it’s already been switched on, we’ve just sent it from a 60 Watt bulb to a 100 Watt bulb!) and go back home with your children. Leave this man to wallow in his own misery and suffering.

We never listen to the ex girlfriends do we? We have been brainwashed to believe they are ‘psycho’ because he tells us all about them and how awful they made his life!! So when they try to reach out to us we think they’re just jealous he’s moved on and now they want to disrupt our life with him. That’s why it’s no good trying to reach out to the new girlfriend of our abusers. They don’t want to know, they don’t want to listen. They have the ‘perfect’ man they have just met because they can’t yet see past the performance he is giving. He has to ‘perform’ in order to get his next victim. Sadly we have to learn the hard way and find out for ourselves, but once we get that information then it’s time to get our skates on and go.

[smallbutbrave]

Hey trapped…I had to comment on your post because I too suffer from something similar.

I never physically cheates on him but in the early days and I mean the forst few months been messaging another guy I knew over facebook…Nothing happened it was just flirty banter I guess. Well my partner found out about a year later after hacking my facebook and has held it against me ever since…Every argument he brings it up (he says it is his get out of jail card when I catch him blantenly eyeing up other women or comparing me to other women)

I have had to beg forgivness over and over again. Because of this I am not allowed out woth friends on my own not even for coffee and a catch up unless I take our son. I have not had a night out with my friends or any friends (he isolated me grom my old ones esp when he deactivated my favebook without telling me) since (detail removed by Moderator). I don’t even look at other men or in their direction when we are out and about because he might accuse me of eyeing them up. I understand those messages upset him but it isn’t fair they hold it against us is it?? We made a mistake, we are deeply sorry and would never do it again but they just go on and on everytime there is a slight disagreement. I just think why are you still with me if it is that bad and you don’t trust me atall?!?!

[Trapped.]

@smallbutbrave please can i inbox you or you inbox me?

@Soulsearcher18 yes I am finding it hard to emotionally break free. He did say some strange things this weekend in a joking manner such as;
(detail removed by Moderator)

He doesn’t say it in a way that you would immediately be alarmed at. But iv been watching and observing him more lately. I don’t know what to do. Deep down, I’m not truly happy.

(detail removed by Moderator) when he split up with me for the 500th time during lockdown, he decided he needed to talk to the girl that he was seeing before me, someone who I’m incredibly insecure about. He told me a few days later and apparently haven’t spoken since, but both chatted about how their partners cheated on them. She was apparently saying how (detail removed by Moderator) and he apparently said (detail removed by Moderator). He sees it as just reassuring a friend, but he admitted to me that he found her attractive and that’s one of the main reasons why he doesn’t want to talk to her anymore as from what I gather, he doesn’t want to get feelings for her and wants to make it work with me. Apparently talking to her made him realize that all he wants is me and it felt weird talking to her. But alarm bells started ringing when he wouldn’t show me the conversation out of respect to her, but bare in mind, when Ive made mistakes, Ive proved and showed him all I could to help him feel better.

Its all a mess, my head is a mess. He seems to be showing signs of recognizing his behaviour and is trying to make a change.

Ive tried to access counselling before and never really found it helped. But I’m making steps to be better in my mental health as that is one thing holding me back. I’ve recently been looking deeper into myself and I feel I may have Borderline Personality Disorder, like my partner does. I managed to get a referral to my local mental health team so small steps.

Yes, I do have my own place where me and my children now spend the week days. But I do still love spending the weekends with him, as do the kids to some extent as sometimes they row.
I definitely feel emotionally trapped at the moment as a pose to physically trapped.

Thanks all for your kind words of encouragement, look forward to hearing from you to do with this update. Would love to make some more friends as I dont have many people around me so if anyone else is the same, please send me an inbox.

All my love xxxx

[Headspinning]

Some abusers just like to have that one thing you did wrong to use against you over and over again.
I was still married when I met my abuser – and oh my, at every bicker how I was reminded that I had made him go again at his principles (a right Mary Magdalene wasn’t I?!? Fast forward many years later to the end of our relationship and it came out that HE was AlSO in a relationship when he met ME!!! So it wasn’t me being the evil temptress – he was already going against his precious principles!!!!
My point is – it’s all an excuse to justify their abuse. Meanwhile your kids are being passed from pillar to post / I agree will all the other comments posted here – you have an exit to your own house – take the exit do not pass go!!!!!

[Camel]

Hi Trapped

Have you read up on Triangulation? He’s introduced this other woman into your life and set the two of you up in competition. Unfortunately you have no way of knowing the true nature of their relationships, or even whether it actually exists. But very cleverly (and clearly manipulatively) he’s made you focus much of your attention on this woman. She’s a ‘threat’. But only because he says so. You were already pulling away from him so he’s plucked something new out of the abuser’s bag of tricks. It’s a well-worn tactic. Try not to be distracted. Good luck x

[Trapped.]

Hi @camel

I haven’t heard of that no.

Because I cheated on him he wants me to do these certain things like, if I open and read his message to reply straight away as it makes him think I’m cheating on him again. Mind you, that was never something I even done when I cheated on him.

But funny thing is, I told him to tell me when he speaks to her again etc.
He does but a few days later when it’s convenient for him.
He told me this weekend, that during the week that we haven’t spend together he did speak to her but he told her he wants to concentrate on his relationship with me and they’ve never done to well as friends etc and she wished him all the happiness and that was that.

But my point is, the moment I read his message and don’t reply for no more than 10 minutes because I was sick, that meant that we had a huge row because I made him think I was letting some man out of my house that morning. Or some s**t! It’s all a little crazy now.

So he’s allowed to keep s**t from me for a few days but I’m not allowed ten minutes to be sick w*f.

I don’t know what to think anymore. But I’m struggling so hard to break free.

X*x

[Soulsearcher18]

Hi Trapped
I’ve read your post and all the responses. I agree with the responses.
Major red flags.
Yes this is abuse.
No, you and your children do not deserve this. You all deserve better. Much, much better than this.
I did notice in your post about some particularly emotional reasons why you may be finding it challenging to let go and leave for good.
Perhaps it might be worth seeking some support over these, maybe speaking to your GP and accessing counselling?

Though you have been in an abusive relationship before and got out, it does not make it any easier if it has happened again. I am not an expert at all but the damage from unhealed wounds from the first relationship, may mean you were more susceptible to another abusive relationship.
You are still entitled to access domestic abuse support, it may well be worthwhile contacting your local services to access regular support whilst you work through your feelings and next steps. There is also a webchat facility on here during weekdays.

I completely agree with the comments from the other women on here. You have your own home and I think it would be wise if you can stay there and focus on you and your children and go ‘no contact’. Perhaps even if you say to yourself initially that your going to do it for a few weeks, just until you can get some support in place and have a chance to regularly talk things through and reflect on everything. I think it would help you to see things more clearly.

Keep sharing with us Trapped…Trapped is a really significant and strong choice of username you know…right now you do have a place where you can escape to. Physically you are not trapped, if you can be in your own home with your children for a while and give yourself some time, the mental and psychological entrapment might weaken enough for you to break free. You will likely need support though so please think about reaching out to local services that can help and keep in touch here too.

Soulsearcher18

[Trapped.]

So we got into another row today, but difference is today I’m not bowing down when he decides he doesn’t wanna split up. I’ve told him I don’t know how I feel.

See how he likes it not to have control.

He’s just giving me the whole, I love you baby I want to go to the doctors and speed up the referral for mental health team and get some support.

Not sure what to believe anymore. He already made the referral before without it being an ultimatum. Well I’ve never made him think he’s gonna lose me either.

X*x

[Anonymous]

He is constantly showing you signs of who he really is so you just need to see what you see. Believe it and get out of it. You’re not going to change him. He’s a liar and a manipulator/abuser. As long as you keep giving him excuses he is going to forever torture you. Is this what you want for your life? You need to answer that question while you still can because one of these days you won’t be able to answer it anymore for one reason or another. He will use you up until there is no more – you.

He is playing you. If……he was this great person that you think he is being just “now” then he would have figured this all out a long time ago like when he was hurting you and abusing you over and over and over again, right? But he didn’t. And he’s not really doing it now either. It’s all a con. You can believe it if you want to but I wouldn’t if I were you….

We always fall for people who are less than us. Why is that really? Because of our own low self esteem, that’s why. They see that and they come for you. Easy target. Anyone with real character, real integrity, real empathy and worth would never ever treat a woman this way and if they did, they would own it immediately afterwards and fall on their knees in utter disgust about themselves but oh no, that’s not what’s happening here at all. He’s only doing what he’s doing because he might lose his prey and that would be you.

So we can either fall for it and continue to complain about how once again we were conned and manipulated or we can actually see things for what they really are and decide our life is worth more than that, our kids lives are worth more than that and we’re fighting mad now because of how we were tortured, abused and pretty much left for dead and actually DO something about it.

These men, these wee little men who are actually cowards to their core don’t even deserve the right to have ever known us in the first place…. They are not worthy of us……. at all. So we have to raise our standards here or …….we can just keep looking around in the gutter to see what we can kinda almost make into a man and then put paint on the pig and say – love you baby! Seriously? We are worth more than this, right? What we allow is directly related to what we think of ourselves. So maybe if things are not to our liking, then we need to examine our own self esteem because if we have a good self esteem, then we are not going to allow this kind of garbage to have an inch of a foothold in our life or in our children’s lives. I was viciously hurt by a stepmother who decided that all this was just fine by her and if she were on fire right now, I would not spit on her to put that fire out.

[Anonymous]

Anytime I hear this of “oh how I am going to get help now” thing, I just say hogwash because thing is IF he was all that then he would have done this a long time ago, not just now when you are pushing him to realize things and do something about it. It’s a ploy, part of the push and pull game thing. I remember one man I was married to for a very short time and we went to a counselor who was our pastor. LOL! That did us no good whatsoever. Then I picked a therapist who was actually good at what he did and he made us sign a contract for 3 months. My guy, only attended 3 times. He knew the rules, he couldn’t attack me all the time, he had to be prompt to the appointments, etc., and all three times he was late with lame excuses and we could not have any contact with each other because we were separated at the time, he blew that boundary, talked to me incessantly to my car, too and wouldn’t stop attacking me. He quit coming. My therapist said, I knew he would do this, just wanted you to see that he did this. He’s not interesting in doing anything about his behavior, it’s all your fault. So once it gets this bad in a relationship, all their promises and supposed thing of I’m interested now is usually a load of cow dung. Just part of their manipulation and pure noise.

[Author]

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