Tagged: 

Viewing 8 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #79560
      MilkTray
      Participant

      apologise is long 🙁
      When we started the relationship we were so in love, so alike, so many things in common, we travelled together and never argued about anything. (Detail removed by moderator).  Never said anything about it. I started seeing red flags slowly after, switching phone some nights, cancelling last minutes, weird accidental pocket calls with female voices in backgrounds when he supposed to be asleep or battery ‘died’. I started questioning. We started arguing but I was paranoid, I was a crazy one.

      Turns out, He cheated on me, both girls sent me proves of texts he sent them, he denied and said they were in love and jealous of what we had. Called them both vindictive. I lost trust and call him out on staring at girls, switching off the phone on weekends when we not together or smiling at girls in front of me- I’m paranoid, crazy and I need to work on my insecurities. I probably become paranoid at this stage myself. We started arguing a lot.

      Just a few bullets of his rage:

      *Shoving and pushing me when I tried to walk away – every single time.
      *Throwing my stuff, when I try to pack my stuff he would throw my bag removing my stuff and unabling me to take my stuff(Detail removed by moderator).
      *on one occasions he hit my head against wall saying later it was an accident he tried to hug me
      *on one occasion when drunk he pulled my hair ripping my hair a bit and choked me, I reacted for the first time and in self defence punch his stomach as I thought he would rip m hair- he laughed it off saying (detail removed by moderator). Apologised saying he was drunk and thought it was just a sexula game. We didn’t argue at all then, one guy told him Im beautiful in a bar when we left he started being violent
      *during sex he would choke me or close my mouth (when drunk) I was ashamed to react but when he said (detail removed by moderator) I said no- the next day said it was a joke and he was only messing with me.
      *he threw me out of a hotel room in dressing gown only when I said I want to go back home.
      *he would stop a car suddenly on a motorway when I won’t look at him when he talks.
      *his own mother warned me of him saying he is messing with my head and treated his ex badly
      *strangers would warn me saying they see he treat me badly, pushing me or speaks disrespectfully about me ( sharing intimate details of us)
      *he also wouldn’t take a no if I say I don’t want to get intimate or kissing me against my will when I don’t want a kiss or be intimate.

      I would sometimes ask him too to show me prove he is not talking to anyone, he is always insecure about his phone reacts angry and always shouts at me. I wouldn’t check myself I would ask him to show me himself while he feels he can take and check my phone anytime. other than that punch when I felt helpless I never reacted angry or violent. I am always calm, he never let me speak always cut me middle conversations saying its my fault. Its always my fault. Only if I trust him, only if I let him have fun, only if I wouldn’t question, only if I just do what he wants.

      After last time when he (detail removed by moderator) I broke up. He is now messaging saying he loves me, he want to marry me, he wants to have kids. Im wonderful, im kind, we are perfect together, he never loved anyone like me. (Detail removed by moderator). He want me to move in with him. I lost a job because of being emotionally unstable, I lost friends who couldn’t bear with me getting back to him. I have no one, the family is abroad and he is the only person now that actually messaged me.

      When we met I was successful, I have an amazing degree, a had a great job and (detail removed by moderator). I now feel like a failure. A wreck, a paranoid idiot. He said no one will love me being like that. I will always end up like this.

      I admit, I questioned him, I check on him and maybe it is all me?? Maybe if I really stop that. maybe if give him benefit of trust? Maybe he is not staring at girls, maybe i am that paranoid idiot after all?

      We don’t have kids or live together, he didnt punch me so I bleed or need a&e, when i don’t question him he is different. he is kind, he look after me and takes me on trips and helps me. We laugh a lot together and really enjoy our company. it always starts when he starring acting shady, not answering the phone all night or starring or smiling at girls… maybe it is me, maybe I do stirr all the arguments pushing him to the extreme? He even call me once that I abuse him with my text messages to him.

      I feel like I have no friends, no one I can talk to. I feel like I failed now, and maybe he is right – who is going to be in love with someone like me? unsecured, paranoid and who sends loads of stupid texts he is not even reading because all is b*****t
      On other hands, he is telling me how wonderful I am, how he wins a lottery with me, how all his mates telling him I look like a model, (detail removed by moderator) he is so proud and supportive. then we go out, I see him literally smiling at the girl, the girl is smiling back … I ask him – he argues- circle continues, I try to leave he is pushing me. He rarely gets jealous of me, at the begging he would punch 3 guys in a bar for trying to talking to me- (detail removed by moderator). I always told him I disapprove and if he feels someone is trying to chat me up, he should come over and hug me and kiss me instead. When I tried to apply this back ( instead of the question) he is always far from me, like he wants to show around Im just his friend in a bar. Only if no female around, he would be affectionate. The girls don’t even need to be super pretty, as long as they give him attention by looking at him or smiling ( he is avery good looking guy so girls do stare at him) but he shows interest back.
      He mentioned how guys look at me and how oblivious I am to it. I never talk to strangers, and every time he checks my phone he founds nothing so he stopped being jealous completely because he knows I don’t do anything. Maybe it is just me … always me, always me apologising after, always my fault…

    • #79585
      AlwaysSorry
      Participant

      Hi MilkTray,

      Welcome to the forum, it’s good to see you posting here.

      Reading your story was like having the air knocked out of me. My ex used other women in much the same way as yours, and I can just remember that feeling in my stomach, that mixture of not feeling good enough, of jealousy, of confusion, and yes of anger. But reading your story was like a lightbulb, because of course this is not your fault. Of course you are not the one who should be saying sorry. You wrote it yourself; when the situation was reversed, you did everything you could to prove how faithful, loving and committed you were to him. He did none of those things in return. And that’s not your fault, that’s entirely his. Diymum taught me a lot about triangulation, I think you should try to Google it, it might help you understand that there’s actually a word for this type of behaviour. What really helped me though was turning things around in my head, also something Diymum suggested, and it sounds like you are already on your way to doing that. So for example he is seeking out these flirtations with other women, he isn’t doing anything to show he is with you – that’s on him, not the other woman, and would you treat him in the same way? No, you wouldn’t. So he must be the problem. (I think Diymum can explain this much better but I hope you understand that HE is the problem, NOT you – I just don’t want you becoming angry with the other women like I did when really, it’s HIM).

      As if it wasn’t enough to treat you so awfully, he sounds frightening and I am very worried for you. The violence (the tiniest shove is violence, “accident” or not) is really worrying. You should be able to question him about anything, ask him anything, without fear of violence or arguments. Just because you haven’t needed to go to A&E doesn’t mean these aren’t assaults, sweetheart. You cannot take the blame for this because it isn’t your fault, if he starts acting shady you should be able to ask him what that’s about. Your choices shouldn’t be a) pit in the stomach because of other women or b) pit in the stomach because I want to ask him a question. There should be no pit in the stomach at all.

      Have you noticed any pattern to his behaviour? He starts acting shady -> Argument -> Happy days? Have you heard about love bombing? It sounds like your relationship could be following that pattern, try to google Cycle of Abuse and see if you recognise your relationship in it.

      I would also call WA. They won’t force you to end your relationship if that’s not what you want, but they can help talk with you so you don’t feel so alone and so you will know that this is really not your fault at all. You can find their number at the top of this website. Keep writing on here as well, the ladies on here are lovely and have been a real lifesaver for me.

      Remember – it’s not you. I promise you, it’s not you.

    • #79591
      MilkTray
      Participant

      AlwaysSorry, thank you for your answer. Yes, after the first time ‘shoved me’ the next day told me he loves me the first time, then I was still upset so he went with that first girl then at that time. After that when ripped my hair and choke me, i found out about the girl, he took me to amazing 2 weeks holiday. He will be shouting at me, make me apologise for my behaviour ( which is calling him out and being paranoid) if he gets drunk and gets violent-(and mostly happens as well when he takes drugs!) then its always super nice and loving next. Also noticed when he went with girls or when i suspected something next he was super sweet and attentive. Im not sure if drugs make him this way? I dont take any and never did so i am unaware if that maybe the reason.

      That was the last argument about, i suspected a new girl when was out, we argued he was throwing my bag, pushing me on stairs, and blocking my way/not letting me leave. He is now sending me messages that im his special wonderful person and he want to marry me. He knows i am seriously upset as all these things cumulated.

      the thing is that, i know i probably push him as well as i am being jelous 🙁 I just cant ignore it. If i go to bar and start randomly chat to any guy he would get furious. If i would smile to aguy/this guy would get punched.

      Im not angry with other women. The first one actualy was really nice and he lied to her same as me. the second one howvwer knew what was going on but she hoped he would break up with me. Girls in bars? they probably dont know becuase he treats me like a friend there.

    • #79595
      AlwaysSorry
      Participant

      Hi Milktray,

      I think it’s really good to read that you know it’s him. I often had a lot of anger towards the other women which really only served him.

      It sounds like he knows to go right back into love bombing you when something bad has happened. They do this to keep their control of you. This can build a very powerful bond – trauma bonding. Have you read about that? I would also suggest to read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. I think there is a free pdf somewhere to download, but the book itself doesn’t cost much and provides a great insight into why they act the way they do. And while it would be lovely if everything would be fixed if they just stopped drinking/doing drugs, the reality is that’s not what makes them abusive. Drink/drugs can lower inhibitions so they act out their abusiveness more, but some claim this is just because they use drink/drugs as an excuse to act. I have read some will behave well for a time when trying to get clean only for the abuse to return in a much worse way. It’s really two separate things, so unfortunately getting him off drugs won’t fix him. He chooses to abuse you and it also sounds like he keeps escalating the abuse, testing how much he can get away with, keep pushing your boundaries, it’s really worrying, especially because the niceness afterwards is just so lovely isn’t it. I’ve recently admitted to myself that I sometimes found myself in a sense longing for the assault to just happen and be over with so the honeymoon-phase could return. It’s something I really struggle with, admitting that when I could feel the tension building over sometimes several weeks, I just wanted it over with so the happy days could return. And I think yours is using this niceness as a way to keep you in his control.

      I have felt guilty for years for being jealous of the women my ex told me to imagine doing various sex acts with, women he went on holidays with, yet if I dare asked if he had cheated then, I’d be assaulted for being a jealous c***. And I’ve felt so guilty for being jealous. I don’t want that for you.

      I also think he likes you jealous, whether it’s to boost his ego or as a display of his control of you, I’m not sure – but if someone loves you, they wouldn’t set you up to become jealous. I know I wouldn’t have done that to my ex, no way. They would make sure you knew you were the one. The rules aren’t the same for you as they are for him; he can flirt openly whereas you can’t even have a conversation with a guy. That is abusive. And that’s not your fault, if he doesn’t like you jealous he has to change his behaviour so there would be nothing to be jealous about.

    • #79600
      MilkTray
      Participant

      AlwaysSorry, I think you really really right here!! you made me realise that now that all in certain situations I feel like he maybe actually stirred the jealousy in me? Like he would ”accidentally’ text me stuff like ‘im leaving to see you now’ when I questioned he would be like ‘stop being paranoid and sent me to screen that it meant for his family member or friend etc. it wouldn’t be in between our conversations when sometimes when type in same time a window can open accidentally but like randomly he would sent that and I would check later- he wouldn’t even ‘notice’ … I think if you text someone accidentally you would notice straight away??
      Also, at the beggining, I wasn’t jealous at all. besides, I wasn’t even interested in a relationship at all. I was happy casually dating and he pushed to be official. I’m very monogamous so I told him I cut off the chats with guys I chat when I was single as soon as we went on a few dates. I feel like I became this paranoid person, checking on him after few red flags and him acting single even in front of me. I so wish i could have just completely ignore but it was so hard when one day someone loves you so much, is all over you, takes to such a nice places then you fear that next day he does that with another girl 🙁

      I don’t think you should be ashamed of feeling angry or jealous of the other women. When you intimate with someone and heard that someone else ‘touch’ him I think its normal to feel bad as you start questioning why she didn’t tell you or come forward. I was angry at first, but when i spoke to the girls I saw that they both were under his charm and believe me he is a very good looking man and I can completely understand them because he told them we were just friends at that time or we broke up etc. He wouldn’t obviously admit he was with me. He used our arguments as a way of going with them. I feel sorry he treated them as basically f*** when we argued. He was wining and dining me, taking me trips while they were paying for themselves just to see him. he really hurt them too. if not the fact that I stayed with him I would probably become friends with one them because we got along well when we shared stories. How crazy is that!

      I felt guilty of being jealous, but never felt anger- once maybe twice when the girls clearly seen in the bar he was with me but still would smile at him. I would never smile at a guy with another woman but I am very into the girl code. I have values like never cheat or lie, no matter how bad things go I would rather tell the truth because otherwise, it would et me alife even a small white lies but I experience emotions really intensively.

      I admire you that you managed to see yourself that too. I was for so many months feeling so helpless and day after day I forgot who I am myself. im fighting now not to respond to his texts or answer but I know if I do answer I will hear how bad I am for ignoring him now, how he loves me and want us to be happy, how self-destructive I am and how I am ruining a great relationship with my behaviour.

      I know this is a toxic relationship and I know its bad. I just feel ashamed that I respond with my jealousy, question him and maybe if I would stop things could turn differently? Even if I read and read more and I can see as you said that this won’t change a thing, I feel like I’m losing myself and every time I tell myself I need a break of him he manages to suck me in to talk me through. I love him very much still and is soo hard. I just need the strength now not to fall for that. I am not young and I never been married, besides I’m so close to not be able to have kids because of my age. I cried inside because I believed in his ‘marriage, kids’ talk and I would just want to settle at this stage.

      The first girl pointed out he might actually be a sociopath, I have read about it and he does fall into many categories. He saw my messages and said she is sick and vindictive for saying that, but someone else from his environment has actually mentioned that to me that he has been called on that few years back. I think he is actually aware of it himself and take advantage? I tried to believe it was not true because he was so lovely and kissing affectionate and I just couldn’t believe how a person who is described like ‘de-attached, emotionless’ can be so loving at the same time.

      Thank you so much by the way for reading and responding! I feel like I have no one to talk to as if I mention I’m upset, everyone around me is like its all my fault and I brought that on myself. they knew he cheated and they knew I stayed but no one knows about the violent part as he never does in front of anyone. Friends/family everyone thinks he is smitten by me if we go bar alone in another city- that’s where he acts differently.

    • #79653
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi MilkTray

      I am glad to see you are getting such good support on the forum as i know friends and family often don’t understand and also its understandable that you don’t want to tell them them everything.

      Also i think many friends find it so hard to see someone they love be treated so badly that they distance themselves because it is so heartbreaking to watch, but if you had the courage to get in touch with them again and told them you broke up with him they would probably offer you love and support as they would be so happy that you are not with him anymore.

      I just wanted to let you know that you can also call your local domestic abuse support service in your area, they will often have support groups and other services which you may find useful. You can find your local service by clicking here. Alternatively you can call the helpline on 0808 2000 247 and they can talk to you about the abuse and look for ongoing support in your area.

      You have suffered such a lot during your relationship, now is the time to focus on yourself and use all the support around you to start getting back to the old you.

      Take care and keep posting

      Lisa

    • #79722
      diymum@1
      Participant

      youve been given good advice and we share a type of abuse here as above as always sorry says. this is the sexual type of abuser. he uses his sexuality to torture us. it is called torture by triangulation. i only stumbled over this and when i read into it i thought you know this is exactly what happened to me. i have to say in all of my relationships well long term ones. which frustrates me alot because like you i think why do men do this to me? i think this is the answer personally – some men are overtly sexual they need to feel desirable and they therefore need alot of affirmation and overt attention from other women. by being obvious about all of this infront of you he can clearly see your getting jealous (who wouldnt feel that) anither woman being dangled infront of you can feel threatening. thats what this is a threat and its to keep you on your toes BUT ur not allowed to do that this is a hall mark of abuse – double standards. so now he has lots of women competing for him this swells his ego because this is what he needs to feel good. he has no regard for any off the womens feelings or yours (they are meat) things – as he cannot really feel properly or sincerely for anyone. deep down he is insecure and feels the need to be validated time and time again to keep himself going – he feels entitled to do this – if you look up entitlement i think youll see its a perfect fit xxxx these men are worth steering clear off because they dont care if they destroy you as long as there needs are being made. whats worst id they tend to be great lovers because they have confidence in this respect and lots of practice. if that was a woman they would be called names i wont say on here but no less double standards again x*x much love diymum

    • #79729
      diymum@1
      Participant

      have a look at how to heal from toxic triangulation theres a long article on this on thought catalogue i found this really helpful and very comforting x*x

    • #79797
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      I am so sorry to hear all thats been happening to you. The most important thing you cam do for yourself is to trust yourself again.

      This is not a ‘toxic relationship’. It is abuse to you from him.

      Its not your fault, and it is working as it has you all tangled up and doubting yourself.

      Abusive men see women as objects to own. What underpins their beliefs is an ‘entitlement’ to access any women they want, but ‘their women’ have to be exclusive to them. Sex to them is just another way of exerting power and control over women.

      What you feel is vital to this process to save yourself.

      If you feel ‘bad’ in any way, listen to your gut and act for yourself. If you look to him to validate your bad feelings [that he caused] you will be denying yourself an opportunity to just trust yourself and believe in your own body’s ability to tell you something is wrong.

      We dont have to logically understand it all yo act,just to know it has made you feel bad is enough.

      Its enough, its bad enough to act to protect yourself. Look after you and worry less about him.

      Warmest wishes

      TS

Viewing 8 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content