Is this abuse? Where to go for support

[Mummytwobehappy]

*** long post- trigger warning emotional abuse and n********t***

Hi there, I’m new to the group. Not sure where to start… I’ve been with my husband for nearly (removed by moderator)years. We got together when I was (removed by moderator) and he was (removed by moderator)… we had been together just (removed by moderator) before I found out I was pregnant! Now all our relationship life he has always been right and not really liked me going out with my friends etc but I thought that’s because he moved town away from his family to be with me. But obviously being young and “in love” I always brushed it aside until I got to my mid twenties and started to realise actually this isn’t right.. there was times I couldn’t go out with my friends because we would argue or where I couldn’t go to my best friends (removed by moderator) which caused arguments between me and my friend. Then on my (removed by moderator), he would be constantly texting me saying how much he misses me, asking what’s going on, why am I getting pulled up on stage etc… the next day he went into complete melt down I had to pretend to all my friends and family that our daughter was poorly to end my (removed by moderator) early because he was round a family friends house having a emotional breakdown! Then he did it again when I was on his (removed by moderator), my first weekend at (removed by moderator) but I ended up pretending I was poorly and go back to the hotel room because my hubby wouldn’t stop calling or texting me crying! He has to know who I’m going with, where I’m going, I have to set a time with him I’ll be home and if I’m not home by that point he will be constantly Calling and texting. He is very much all about himself, our conversations are always based on him and his hobbies etc… I never get asked how my day was. I constantly have to show him love and affection and if I say I’m going out for a meal with friends he will moan about how we never go out when he doesn’t even make plans to go out together. He has got jealous of our children before, he always wants to be cuddled or ridiculous close to me, I hate always being cuddled up but he sulks if I don’t. When we have a disagreement he will normally lose his temper and break things or throw things, like his phone or smash a plate etc there is soo much more I could write! But past (removed by moderator) months I’ve began to stick up for myself and try to do things for me, some of my friends have told me he is emotionallly abusing me.. I’ve been in denial as I’m a people pleaser and didn’t want to admit to it and deal with the hassle! It wasn’t until (removed by moderator) we had a massive argument and I stormed out declaring I was done! After I told him everything they way he makes me feel, how he controls me, I don’t know who I am anymore, etc… he stayed at his (removed by moderator) to give us a break and he has been doing a lot of researching and realised he emotionally abuses me and is a n********t, he wants to prove to me he can change! he has reffered himself to taking therapies, been put on anti depressants, spoken to a domestic abuse charity who are looking up a course for him to go on and then they can offer me support… but I need a professional to talk too as well. Just need some advice really, I want to give him a chance as I can see he is really trying. Has anyone stayed with their partner or has a partner been on one of these courses?

Thanks for reading and sorry for long post!

[Living Warrior]

Hi hun i am so sorry no one has replied sooner, and i am sorry you are having to go through this hell.
I myself am a survivor of domestic abuse, and i have been out of my relationship a few years now.
He had mental health issues- which he would use to keep me there, he knew how much i do to help others and used that to his advantage. He never recieved help even though i was so supportive, he didnt want to get better because he knew that gave him an upper hand.

I have done lots of research, courses and read loads on DV. I have spoken to hundreds of women in our situations and not one person has ever told me that “relationship councilling” has ever worked for them, if they have done it.

The reason is this, for councilling to work 2 people need to want the situation to change. They understand that there is a communication breakdown and want to fix it. ( These men deliberately make this difficult to make them feel powerful) people who want the help will communicate their concerns and eventually compromise so everyone is happy.
These people, do not want to compromise, they are all about THEM, their needs are all that matters. Any decent relationship councillor will tell you the same thing. It is pointless because they dont want things to change.

Now you may think that “he let you do something you wanted” so he isnt like that, (i thought this too, untill someone pointed out this to me) the only way we get what we want, is if eventually it benefits him… if him letting you do that 1 thing means it makes you do something even better for him.

I know this makes me sound bitter, twisted and maybe i have had many failed relationships lol
but i had 1 bad relationship, which nearly killed me leaving my kids motherless in the hands of a monster.
i am now happily in another relationship and its amazing!

I have been in similar shoes to you, i know all you want is for it to get better, but it wont, it will get worse and worse… i was told the same and never listened because i thought i knew him best… but when i did listen, it was nearly too late for me…
so now try and give women the information to make their own choices in their lives, so here it is…

i left, i got intouch with womens aid, i did the power to change programme online it cost me £12 and i can return to use the information anytime i like.. This is the link https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php
I then joined a support group at womens aid who taught us how to gain our self confidence back, now this course was over 12-14 weeks, it was amazing.
it can be used while still in the relationship- but with warnings on parts like being assertive as this is a no no when being in the same space as your abuser. the link for the paperwork for this is below:

https://www.endvawnow.org/uploads/browser/files/Power%20to%20Change_English.pdf

All of the things you have named are typical abuser behaviour, and i would not advise trying to do any kind of councilling with him, although i would recommend you speaking to someone about your own mental health, and get intouch with womens aid in your locality to help you figure out your own options.

I am sorry if my reply was upsetting, but i do not want anyone else to go through what i did, i hope my reply can help you.

Stay safe, stay strong, we are here for you. xxxx

[ISOPeace]

Hi there, I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been going through. Abuse is so confusing and exhausting. I’m afraid my response is similar to Living Warrior’s. I’ve done a lot of reading about abuse and the evidence is that cases of abusers changing are very rare. To change, abusers have to change their belief that they are entitled to force you to do as they want and they have to develop empathy for you. These changes are not easy and take a long time.

It’s quite unusual for abusers to admit they’re being abusive. Abuse is about power and control and the belief that he is entitled to force you to do what he wants through intimidation, threats and manipulation. The most common response to being confronted is an escalation of abuse or some kind of manipulation to try to make you think they’re not abusive. It may be that his promises to change are actually a further attempt to manipulate you. He might think he can convince the experts that he’s changed or even use what they say to his benefit. My ex regularly used things his therapist supposedly said to try to convince me that he had changed and I was the problem.

My ex seemed to improve massively while having therapy (not specifically for abuse). I’d heard that abuse always gets worse and since my ex seemed to get consistently better over a number of years, I thought he was the exception. But in hindsight the controlling traits were still there, albeit much milder and further apart. I didn’t know anything about how abuse works, which made even more unlikely that I’d see what was really going on. When our oldest child was small, he started getting very emotionally demanding (which I can now see was abuse) and things escalated into pretty awful emotional abuse. I was shell shocked. I just couldn’t believe how bad things had got when they had seemed to be getting so much better and he had seemed genuinely remorseful for his behaviour towards me (in hindsight the remorse was only periodic, not consistent). Previously he’d gone through the typical cycles of abuse, with honeymoon phases, but this time it was as if he was in his absolute worst, foulest mood with me all the time. It eventually got to the point where pretty much everything he said to me was abusive. It was like he was a different person.

I can see now that even the good times were all on his terms. I was always at the mercy of his perspective. He wasn’t a different person. He was showing just how badly be was prepared to behave to “get me to change”.

One of the really tough things about abuse to be aware of is that it creates a trauma bond, which makes leaving incredibly difficult. I told myself that I’d leave if things got worse again, then couldn’t understand why I felt frozen when things got really bad.

Obviously I can’t say your story will turn out like mine, but I wanted to share it in case it helps. I guess it shows how deceptive things can be if you don’t understand how abuse works. I would recommend you read up on abuse so you can make your decision from a knowledgeable place. Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft is really good and is written by someone who runs programmes for perpetrators of abuse. He’s also written a book about whether you should leave. I haven’t read it as I had already made my decision by the time I was aware of it, but you might find it useful.

Be aware that lots of therapists don’t understand abuse. I’ve read many posts on here from people who got terrible advice from experienced therapists. The more you know about abuse, the easier it will be to realise if your therapist doesn’t understand your situation. For example, being a people pleaser or co-dependent is not a reason for being abused. It may be that you are those things, but they are not the reason he abuses you. The abuse is all about him. I would run a mile from any therapist that take the approach of looking at your issues to explain why you haven’t left him.

Keep posting on here for advice. It doesn’t normally take this long to get a reply. I wonder if your post got lost in moderation or something. Above all, focus on looking after yourself. Abusers convince us that their needs are more important than ours. They don’t want us to do things that make us feel strong and able to see things with clarity, so they manipulate us into not doing things that are good for us. Looking after yourself will help you get through this and most of all, you deserve it. Sending love xxxx

[Anonymous]

Hi,

Just wanted to say that that’s how it started with myself and my partner. Him begging for me to go back and promising that he will try and get better. Even went on therapy for a short while but found the excuse that it cost a lot of money and couldn’t be asked to wait for an appointment through the NHS.
I felt bad, went back, thinking that dear him he is at least trying…
now I am worn out and struggling even more to get out of the relationship.

Please put yourself first.

[Author]

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