This topic contains 9 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed 5 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #86691

    My head’s a fog. I also sort of be didn’t want to be recognised on here so I’m trying not to say too much but think this gives me away so sorry to everyone who thinks I’m a pain. I posted under a different name quite a while ago and I’m ashamed about being in the same mess.

    Is this awful of me? I need, want, to get a refuge place a long way away from where I live (if I manage to leave). I genuinely can’t stay in this city, where he lives and works and many friends of his. I also need a fresh start with no bad memories but the fear of homelessness is what’s kept me here so long. Even when he really hurt me physically. I need somewhere I’ll have a chance of being rehoused after refuge. Not necessarily social housing although the security would mean finally a safe home, but at least affordable private rent. I’ve been made to feel I’m using domestic violence as an excuse to get housing but it’s not that. Before he started abusing me I was working, looking to buy a home or at least moving to a cheaper area for affordable private rent. I also thought we’d maybe have a family together. It’s been a long relationship. I’m now a mess physically and mentally. Gradually over the years I’ve ended up with no friends, money, or job and various health issues. He used to be more violent but now mostly focuses on clever coercive control that’s not easy to explain to professionals. Little things that sound silly when you try to explain. It wouldn’t be hard to provoke him to violence though.

    I got through to the national helpline the other day. The woman refused to check the refuge database. I begged her. She insisted I had to use my local da service who were actually closed and I had a window of opportunity to leave with him away overnight. I can’t go to my local services anyhow because they were really really awful and let me down. She sounded a lot like one of them and I wonder if it was the same woman perhaps working on the national helpline as well as a local service. I will try again when I get the next chance to leave but now I’m worried I’ll seem bad to turn.

  • #86741
    Main Moderator

    Hi Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed

    I am sorry you are feeling let down by your local service and also the helpline. If you are looking for refuge the best times to call the national helpline if you can are mornings Mon-Fri as a lot of refuges don’t take in women out of office hours.

    It is perfectly understandable that you want to get away from where your partner lives and works so there is no chance of bumping into him after you have gone. If you are finding it hard to explain to professionals about the abuse maybe write down some examples of how his abusive behaviour has had a negative impact on your life, emotionally, financially, physically.

    Take care and keep posting


  • #86749

    Thank you Lisa.

    I think the woman the other day was just one bad one because the helpline has been so helpful before. I do think she was really bad though and hope no other woman had any problems with her.

    I know I need to try to leave in weekday daytime especially as actually I need public transport as can’t drive. I’m trying to plan again. So hard but posting here us helping. It was just something happened that made me so scared of what he’ll do if he finds out. Also I only have some chances to leave especially with up and down health and it’s so easy for him to make my health worse without being obvious.


  • #86803
     Twisted Sister 

    Dear Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed

    Well done for posting and having the strength to try to make the break, its not easy, and Im sorry your efforts were thwarted this way. Please try to not let it put you off.

    (removed by moderator)

    I do understand the staff required to admit a family into refuge, and to staff at that level might not be viable, but surely it can be managed as a temporary refuge, which can save lives.

    I hope you get the support you need to get away and can find somewhere very soon, along with the support.

    Warmest wishes


  • #87118

    Hi Twisted Sister. I’m sorry for restarting an old thread but just wanted to thank you for your reply. It really helps not feeling alone. I’m trying to be strong, funny that actually when he’s worse I feel more like I can and should leave. I know I’ll try again, I have to. I still think it was so wrong what happened. I don’t want to make Lisa or anyone else at WA angry (understand if this is edited), it’s a one off bad egg, I’m sure, but I really do think she might have put off another woman from ever getting help again. She actually refused to check for a refuge space. Maybe my fault for being stubborn with wording, I can’t help it. She was saying you want a refuge? and I couldn’t help saying I didn’t want one, didn’t think any woman going wants to, but that I needed one. I know that’s silly but it’s how I feel. Surely none of us want to go to a refuge? It’s if you have to. Like going to hospital. Sorry, I’m thinking out loud now.

  • #87176

    You sound really desperate hun and that’s not a critisism, that’s how it is hey. If you’re in danger then you need to leave asap, but if you can get some ducks lined up first then that is a good position to be in. Have you got a support worker at the local WA? Mine was a godsend; sounds like you need to make a plan and she’d be the person to help you with this.

    You have one mission, to get out and get as far away as you can in a safe and untraceble way. It’s very natural to want to flee and get to safety. Easier if you don’t have children together mind; if you have children then it would be better for you to go without him getting wind of it for sure, otherwise he could stop you leaving the area with a prohibited steps order – so you need to avoid this. To do this you’re absolutely right in thinking your exit needs to quick and you need to have a place in another county lined up to go to. Don’t suppose you’re in Scotland? Only housing support and speed is a lot beter there.

    Call the police if you need to x

  • #87515

    Hi fizzylem. Thank you for your reply. I did feel desperate. I was feeling so bad yesterday actually but today’s it’s sort of like I’m numb. I’m so tired of trying to get help and trying to get myself strong. I think it must partly be me because I seem to antagonise all sources of help. My local da service didn’t help. They mainly only help with supporting you through court. Don’t help with housing. They made me feel like I was just after social housing and using abuse as an excuse. Its impossible in my area, housing, but I don’t want to and can’t stay here anyway so don’t know why they thought that.

    I wish I was in Scotland. I’ve heard they help more sometimes. I was offered the number of a refuge in Scotland ages ago. I was too scared to dial the number at the time and obviously then the place was gone. Please no-one take this the wrong way, it’s only because I’m so scared and brain fog and everything, all help, seems so based on local help. Would I be resented if I did go to a Scottish refuge? Like taking the place from a Scottish woman. Please don’t hate me for asking. I know most people don’t think like that. I’m just scared of everything at the moment.

  • #87616

    I have no idea chick, PM diymum or IWMB(I want me back) and ask – they might have a better idea or call the helpline. It’s good you’re asking this question; you are stumped so far so need to look for options, if you explore this idea the info you find might help, you might get a refuge or you might learn of some other info that is helpful. I do know that the laws vary in England and Scotland which could make things more difficult for him / not straight forward.

    Can you get any evidence of the abuse? Or have you got any already? Try to get some if you can but only in a safe way. Have you seen your GP? Have you spoken to 101? If you’ve ever rang the WA helpline you can request a copy of the notes taken from the call.

    I wonder if you did flee to Scotland and rang for local help there what would they do? Not sure but thinking they would understand and hope that they would offer help but I don’t the answer – someone will though hey. Keep going – get safe xx

  • #87632
    Main Moderator

    Hi Ifatfirstyoudontsucceed,

    I hope that you are ok. Please do try the helpline when you next get a safe chance to do so. I know you have had a negative experince in the past but hopefully this time they can talk to you about all your refuge options. I know that the helpline can look for refuges in Scotland if you specifically want to be there but I am not clear on if the service is different to the refuges in England. You could always try to speak to Scottish Women’s Aid on – 0800 0271234 or [email protected]

    Best wishes,

    Forum Moderator

  • #87731

    Thank you Fizzylem and Lisa. I was feeling really defeated but I know I need to get stronger and try again. He’s being really nice at the moment. I still need to sort out what’s happened with the GP. They shook my trust so much and it’s hard not having GP support. It will definitely be away from where I live if I leave. I was ages ago offered a refuge space nearby before the local service was horrible (funding changed and a different service took over) but we’ve lived all over this city and he works here, he has friends here so I definitely have to leave my area. He’s being so nice now. I wish he’d stay like this. Thanks again it’s helped feeling there are options if I need them and get the strength.

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