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    • #131545
      SingleMomSurvivor
      Participant

      Hello everyone. So relieved to have found this forum and connect with other survivors. I’m in the process of divorcing my physically & emotionally abusive husband. I filed for divorce and like a typical abuser he then filed all types of ridiculous motions against me with the court claiming I’m unstable & mentally ill (so typical of abusers based on what I’ve learned). He has suddenly become agreeable and agreed to sign a pretty strict temporary agreement that contains all types of provisions I know he actually does not agree with. My question is, is this part of the abuse cycle? The suddenly becoming agreeable? I feel like it’s just a tactic to try to make himself appear nice & reasonable to others but I know I can never trust him or let my guard down. I feel like the sudden agreeableness is just him cycling through the phases of abuse & it’s just another form of attempted manipulation on his part.

    • #131553
      Watersprite
      Participant

      Welcome to the forum – so much support and advice here. Perhaps he has turned a new leaf and been distracted by something or someone else or perhaps not unfortunately leopards don’t change their spots abuse as you say is cyclical so either way it will be about his agenda. I would trust your gut and nothing he says or does make sure your lawyer is on it and knows how slippery he is and the settlement is permanent. Well done for getting free – start to put your energy into you x*x

      • #131559
        SingleMomSurvivor
        Participant

        Thank you so much for your reply Watersprite. You’re so right about a leopard not changing his spots. One thing my therapist told me is that I can’t predict what he is going to do, but the only thing I can predict is that he’ll be unpredictable. Even him seeming to be agreeable all of a sudden is part of his unpredictability. I really like what you said about focusing my energy on myself. Trying to figure out what he’s thinking, what he’s plotting to do next, etc etc is using up energy I could be spending on rebuilding myself & my life. It’s really hard though to not try to figure out what his next move will be. I don’t want to be caught off guard. But then maybe I have to accept that as well?

    • #131561
      Auriel
      Participant

      Hi SingleMomSurvivor, yes, depends who they need to impress/use or manipulate at the time, they’ve dropped their guard with us so they don’t have to try anymore (unless they think they’re losing/or to gain but we’ve also become a threat too because we’ve seen+ experienced all their ugly/strangeness, so I’d go with a very big yes 💖💛💖

    • #131566
      SingleMomSurvivor
      Participant

      Hi Auriel. Yes that makes sense! I think he’s trying to impress his friends & family & maybe even the court with his “agreeable” behavior. I also think it’s a form of baiting. He’s acting calm & pleasant & unbothered as a means to get under my skin and trying to provoke a reaction. He’s done that in the past before we separated- been abusive & then acted calm afterwards, which made my anger/upset/pain seem crazy to other people. I eventuality went grey rock on him for an extended period & he couldn’t handle it & ended up assaulting me. He’s such a dangerous & scary person in so many ways.

    • #131583
      Wants To Help
      Participant

      Hi,

      I can certainly relate to never letting your guard down. One thing I learned about my ex is to never underestimate what he was capable of. However, if your ex has now signed to agree to something you know he wouldn’t be happy with there could be a few reasons for this. How legally binding is the agreement? What are the consequences for him if he goes against it? Is there a short time frame or a long time frame for him to abide by this?

      If there are no real consequences for not abiding by this then he may be signing it in order to lull you in to a false sense of security in the hope you will drop your guard. If it’s something that he will only have to abide by for a short time then he may feel he can cope with these ‘demands’ until he has come up with some of his own to put in place. He may have been advised to agree to them by his solicitor.

      You know him better than anyone else, and if this seems out of character for him then you can be sure that it is. For now, if this agreement he has signed is to your benefit then make the most of it, but don’t let him catch you on the back foot.

      • #131591
        SingleMomSurvivor
        Participant

        Wants To Help you were absolutely right! He ended up (detail removed by moderator). He also issued his own new list of demands. Not surprised at all. Perfect example of how even “niceness” is just an abusive tactic.

    • #131590
      SingleMomSurvivor
      Participant

      Update: He ended up (detail removed by moderator). Turns out I was right after all about his sudden agreeableness not being trustable. It feels good to not be caught off guard. I’m definitely annoyed & frustrated, but now I’m starting to get better at predicting his abusive patterns. He’s so pathetic & I wish he would just move on. These desperate power grabs of his are so stupid.

    • #131612
      Auriel
      Participant

      Yep, winning at all costs, face saving, altering the balance so we’re seen to anyone and everyone who will listen as the bad guys so they are perpetually seen as good and Justified in their behaviour ? ? ? 🤨 ( being told no/ losing/not having everything they think they are entitled to) so they react accordingly to how “they” feel they have a right to, I was gonna send you hug emojis but then I thought nah she don’t need them, she’s clocked on, she’s got it (and him) well sussed now 💖💖💖

    • #131616
      Eggshells
      Participant

      It’s not really possible to know what his motivation is. These men are so twisted that no normal person can really know what’s in their heads but you can be sure that his motives are not well meant.

      It’s a tactic. Be wary and make sure you have a good solicitor.

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