Is this cultural or abusive?

[Anonymous]

Hi, I am new on here & am in such a dilemma. For (removed by moderator) years, I have been in a relationship with a man of a different nationality (from Eastern Europe). It started off very passionate & I have visited his country several times & met his close relatives. We moved in together very quickly,starting off in a room as I was going through a divorce & didn’t have enough money to rent a home. During this time,he showed aspects of controlling behaviour, scolding me for ‘being emotional (I had periods where I felt low) & I sulting me if I cried, calling me a baby etc. I was struggling financially& he said I couldn’t go on holiday with him if I didn’t have enough money. A year later, my divorce settlement was awarded & I was able to rent a flat which needed a second bedroom for my adult son to come to stay (he has a learning disability & is living in a supported living flat. My partner refused to contribute halfway,even though he was earning more than me & I ended up paying rent in advance to secure the home. I have stayed with him because I love him & really wanted to make this work. We have really good times but, if I dare to voice anything that I feel unhappy about eg finances (reasonably), he gets defensive & says ‘Go back to your ex if you are unhappy or find a rich man’& the insults start. He is well educated but is held back by his language- this results I him being frustrated at work. There is more I could say but it would take too long.

[Anonymous]

Basically, is this emotional and/or financial abuse? I have paid for two holidays & many other things. He cleans & cooks for me & is really affectionate at times but can be so horrible when I ‘annoy’ him. There is no physical abuse (he abhors it & he doesn’t drink as he has seen the damage that causes). He has never married or had children & he is not verbally abusive to my son. I tell myself that maybe I am overreacting as I have suffered from anxiety & depression on & off for several years. We have several things in common despite our different nationalities and, despite the problems, Ivannot imagine myself with anyone else but I feel uneasy &, at times, confused.

[Coolbreeze]

Hi I hope you’re able to get some other support and feedback in the meantime.
To me, this sounds very controlling. Not being able to discuss finances which is a normal part of any relationship, family, friends, employer, is not a good thing let alone with a partner.
It’s easy to make excuses but the facts are what they are. He is an adult, he has choices. He has no right to insult you.
I’m sorry but this man does not sound like he even knows how what a normal healthy relationship means.
Please take care of yourself and your son.

[Camel]

Hi, I wonder what you mean when you ask if this is cultural or abusive. Do you think you have to put up with this abuse if it’s ‘cultural’ and somehow not his fault?

You feel uneasy and with good reason. Your instincts are telling you that something is wrong with this relationship but your feelings are probably swirling and you can’t hang on to a thought long enough to make sense of it. Believe me when I say that this is a reaction to abuse. You can’t put any trust in how you feel – such as being in love. You’re swamped by his opinions and words and actions and have no time left to quietly think.

It sounds like you were emotionally vulnerable and craved love when you met this man. You were swept along into making quick decisions regarding your finances and your living arrangements. Try to remember that you can make new decisions which are better for you – and that you probably should do, sooner rather than later.

Take time to read up on controlling relationships. (Incidentally, You’ll probably find that his difficulties at work are nothing to do with his intelligence and everything to do with his character.)

Please take lots of time to decide what you need and deserve from life.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, welcome to the forum. I’d have the, go back to your ex, thrown in my face everytime we’d argue. Problem is, he’s got the problem with the ex not us. In some counties in eastern europe they don’t even have womens aid, abuse of women is not recognised at all, it’s just so😔 very patriarchal. His lack of language does not hold him back, he’s not well educated, though he may be streetwise. He’s abusive, financially, emotionally and probably sexually. I read recently that these men’s insecurities are not what makes them abusive, but if we continue to excuse their behaviour because of their insecurities we are really condoning their behaviour. Once we stop making excuses fir them because of the child they were or whatever the excuse is, then we can start moving away from the abusive person they are.
IWMB 😏💞

[Eggshells]

Hi Anon, it may be cultural but it’s still abuse and it’s not ok. Stacey Dooley did a very good documentary on DA in Russia. Just because something is part of a culture, it doesn’t mean it’s not abuse. A shining example is female genital mutilation. It’s cultural abuse. You don’t have put up with abuse, whatever it’s roots are. xx

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