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Hello Ladies, it’s taken me a lot to reach out and for months I have convinced myself I am mentally unwell and/ or overreacting. I met my partner of (detail removed by moderator), it was the dream to begin with, everything I could have asked for. (detail removed by moderator) into the relationship I woke up to him asleep (detail removed by moderator), when I asked why he (detail removed by moderator) he lashed out, shouted at me calling me horrific names and ended our relationship- he had been through my phone when I was asleep and was unhappy about somebody I dated prior to him and failed to tell him. I let this go as he apologised but as the months went on things got progressively worse, he continued to go through my phone and the same situation would occur over and over, I moved in with him and he would kick me out on the street in the middle of the night with nowhere to in the rain with no shoes and coat, this because became a regular pattern of behaviour during a dispute. He would shut down during an argument, ignore me and laugh at me which consequently made me more upset. One day he barracaded me in his house when I tried to leave to escape the mental torment, he called an ambulance and the police on me to ‘(detail removed by moderator)’. He would (detail removed by moderator) when I was crying and say I was messed up in the head, one night we tried to (detail removed by moderator) – he accused it of being somebody I had past history with, called me a sl** and left me on my own in the middle of nowhere at night time. He would tell me he was going for a walk and he wouldn’t return, I’d call him and then he’d be out in a nightclub- when he returned I’d be breaking my heart upset, he’d laugh at me and refuse to speak to me, it was like there was no emotion behind his eyes. He would cancel holidays as a form of punishment for arguments, and messsge other women when he was drunk and say he does it because I upset him. The stonewalling was so horrific and made me feel so hurt, he’d continue to do it every time. He would regularly text me ending our relationship over text and would never give me any reason why, I’d beg and plead him to tell me he loved me and he would tell me to leave him alone and go away, blocking me on social media. He would laugh and call me pathetic when I was sobbing begging to be with him, it got so much one day I shouted and said he was abusive and I hated him. I was so crushed I reacted that way towards him, I apologised over 100 times but he told his family and my friends I was volatile and abusive and couldn’t be with me. I’ve spent so long in such a dark place thinking all of this is my fault, his last ever message to me was that I needed to seek help for my severe mental health issues. He used to say he had a poor upbringing and that was his reason for 0 communication and stonewalling during disagreements,he would never apologise or acknowledge anything he does wrong and I genuinely started to believe I am the problem and maybe it’s not that bad, I feel at a loss, is this abuse.
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Hello Lalalala101,
Thank you for your post and for sharing what you’re going through.
Your partner lashing out, calling you names, going through your phone, kicking you out in the night, barricading you in the house, emotionally withdrawing from you as punishment, laughing at you and accusing you of being ‘messed up’, are all emotionally and psychologically abusive behaviours and the culmination of these would certainly be considered coercive control and domestic abuse.
What’s happening is not your fault and you are not the problem. It’s really positive that you are beginning to reach out and talk about this. Many women here on the forum will really relate to what you’re going through so you are not alone.
If you feel it might be helpful to access some further confidential support, you could connect with your local domestic abuse service, who you can find the details for here.
Take care and keep posting, to let us know how you’re doing.
Lisa
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It certainly does feel familiar to me to be made out to be the abuser. Also the sob story about the difficult upbringing. I can say sob story now but at the time I felt genuinely sorry for them.
I volunteer for (detail removed by moderator) to give something back and help people who want to heal from their experience, not use it as an excuse to abuse others.
My abuser committed quite a serious crime then tried to make out that it was my fault because I should have been with them! I have come to accept that they are responsible for their own actions. Sadly abusive people twist everything round to blame and confuse others. -
My other half has been shouting at me all day . This time I just ignored his horrible shouting voice. Apparently everything is my fault. Apparently I am not allowed to side with my son . I’m to be told what I can and cannot say . One thing I did say to this person is if you think you are frightening me your wrong. I am not scared of you anymore.
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This is most definitely domestic abuse. You don’t trust your instincts and think you’re overreacting, you’re crazy. You must understand that this is all his doing. He’s messed with your head. If he did all these terrible things to you at the start, would you have begged to be with him? He’s worn you down and whittled away your sense of self, so now you find yourself desperate to stay with this awful excuse for a human being. He doesn’t have the right to punish you for not measuring up to his set of rules. And by the way, if you stay with him, his rules with keep changing and it’ll get harder and harder to please him and stop his abuse.
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I had an ex who did this. He’d lock me out of his flat, I had a coat on. He would say I didn’t know what a normal relationship was because of my abusive upbringing. He said there was something wrong with me because I wouldn’t do something sexual he wanted. He was a bully and a liar. He became physically violent. Please leave this man before he causes any more hurt to you. Coercive control wasn’t known when this happened to me, but these guys are text book. Wearing you down, blaming you, accusing you of things. They don’t change.
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