Is this emotional abuse I need clarification, I’m so confused.

[Wheatfield1]

I’ve felt for a long time that my relationship is not healthy and I really need some advice.  We have been together (timeframe removed by Moderator) years and have children at (detail removed by Moderator) school. Early in the relationship he would become moody and when asked  what was wrong it would always be something about me that he was fed up with. My appearance, my family, my job, my finances, my hobbies and interests.  This would result in an argument with me then agreeing that incould do better and promising to improve.  Pathetic really until the next time.  Over the years he has pretty much criticised most things about me and belittled a lot of the things I care about.  Sometimes even encouraging me to do something and when I do it having a huge go at me calling me selfish and ruining whatever it is I’ve done. He has said I’m a failure, I have nothing about me, if it wasn’t for him I’d have nothing.  I shoukd be grateful, I don’t make enough effort etc etc the list goes on. He has over the years made me feel completely inadequate as a person, a mum and a woman. He has made me feel that I am broken. He even said when one of our children was ony a few weeks old that my appearance was s**t and I wasn’t a woman. When I say he has hurt me with the things he has said he says it is heat of the moment stuff  he doesn’t mean it and he has been stressed or tired etc.. I don’t speak to him that way he also might say sorry if pushed but then says but maybe you were not making enough effort. He cannot take criticism himself and now also says a lot if it is on my head and I must be perimenopausal. Also he is very mild mannered out of the home and wouldn’t dream if speaking to anyone else in these ways. This is wrong isn’t it.

 

 

[Cherries]

Yes, it’s wrong.

I understand the confusion. Violence is easier to call abuse. With this stuff you end up wondering if you’re over sensitive, the one in the wrong…etc

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Yes, it is wrong. This kind of psychological and emotional abuse is devastating and creeps up on you so slowly that you almost don’t see the effect that it’s having over the years.

It is confusing when you’re in the relationship to see that they’re completely different with everyone else.  It makes you feel like it must be you that’s the problem.

After you’ve left for a while, the fact that they can be nice to everyone else (control their temper when it suits them etc) is the very thing that helps you realize that it is their problem and they are abusive.
They can be so charming and mild and kind to others. I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised at this, after all that was the person they presented to us. We wouldn’t have got involved otherwise.

Good luck, I hope you can manage to keep untangling this and find your way clear of it.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Ps. By the way I would guess that most of the women on this forum have had their lives, personalities, passions, interests, looks, friends, family, you name it, ripped to shreds by their abusive partners.

Dont believe it. Its not you. It’s not true. It’s just about trying to bring you down to nothing, so that they can control you and so you won’t feel able to get away.

[Eyesopening]

desgusting abuse! that is horrific, he is taking your sense of self and destroying you, the person you are, he is breaking you down, bit by bit, till you are at his mercy, under his control and he is the master of you. I am so sorry this is happening to you. Please find the support to leave him, find your local DA services. Don’t continue to give your life to him. He is basically stealing your life from you. xx

[bluebird28]

This is like what most of us have encountered im sure, sounds horrible, you deserve better, its hard knowing if its just us, its taken me a long time to realise its not right, im getting help and can`t wait to get out, you need to realise whats not right in your own head and then take the action you think is best for you

[Wheatfield1]

Thank you all for responding. I know deep down its not right. I’ve tried talking to him but he is just minimising it all. Said he’s allowed to get cross sometimes. I’m trying to get us to separate, unfortunately I am being blamed for this although it is his behaviour that has led me to feel this way. I just want to be happy I’m a happy person.

[Author]

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