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    • #54257
      starryeyed
      Participant

      Hi, I’m really needing some help with understanding if I’m experiencing emotional abuse or if it is all in my head and I am overreacting. I’ve been feeling so guilty, like I’m making it all into a bigger deal than what it is and being unfair on him, maybe I’m the abusive one.

      I have been with my boyfriend for around (detail removed by Moderator) months. The first 2 months were absolutely perfect – I found my soulmate. We had the same interests, he was so uplifting and positive, happy-go-lucky and chilled, we wanted to travel together…by the end of the 2 months we had said ‘I love you’- I think I even said it first. We spoke about getting married and having kids and were so excited to share our lives together. I finally felt like I’d found my other half.

      Before I met him I had already decided to move away and had already booked to go on a (detail removed by Moderator) long course. We had spoken about me going away and the move and thought that what we had was just too good to throw away – we could make it work, even if it was hard. I went away for the course and we visited each other every weekend – he came to see me, and I went to see him. The time he came to see me, at the end of a lovely weekend, he admitted that he couldn’t do long distance and basically said it would have to end. It felt like an ultimatum – I move back or I lose him. I loved him too much, so I moved back once the course finished.

      We had spoke about moving in together but it transpired that he was in a lot of debt (from a previous crazy ex who abused him emotionally, financially and physically) and still living at home (he lied to me about this when we first met – I thought it was just out of embarrassment) so moving in together was impossible for him. I found myself a 1-bed flat to live in and got a new job although I felt a bit sad that we weren’t able to live together like we had spoken about before.

      Once I moved back, things started to become a little odd. I can’t even recall the first thing but since I moved back things haven’t been the same. I don’t know how to explain it all, so I’ve give some points:

      * I’ve been running on very little sleep since I moved back. He says I’m boring and all I do is sleep, and if I say anything about it he says I’m being too serious and it is just a joke. When I do go to bed without him, he’ll keep talking to me loudly and asking questions as if I didn’t say I was going to sleep. He’ll leave lights on, TV on and if I ask for it to be turned down a little then he gets moody with me.

      * One time he was downstairs and I had gone up to bed and I asked him if he was going to join me – not in an aggressive or accusatory way or anything, I genuinely wanted to know – and he snapped and told me to f**k off and f**k this and stormed out. I was shocked as this was the first time he had acted like this and it was late, so I locked the door and thought I would deal with it in the morning. As I tried to sleep my phone went off with numerous calls from him and I thought I would just leave it – then he came to my door and was ringing the bell and knocking on my door so I had to go and let him in. He collapsed on my stairs and said, in a roundabout way, that he was depressed and hinted at suicide (although he never said directly he was going to kill himself and he said he didn’t have a plan to). I gave him lots of support for mental health and counselling and tried my best to support him with his mental health – I’m not sure if he ever went for help like he said he would.

      * He is jealous of me seeing my friends and family members. I broke down in tears recently saying I felt so lonely and he encouraged me to meet friends and let them know I am back and spend time with them – but when I have met them he has done things like accused me of cheating and going to see another man, hiding in my flat waiting for me to come back (saying it was to surprise me) and watching me from upstairs, calling me or telling me that he is really physically ill and has been for over a year (right before I go into an exercise class with my friend and we had already spoken on the phone and he never mentioned anything – I was so worried), not answering my calls or being cold and off with me and withholding affection.

      * When I came back from seeing my friend he said he wasn’t sure if he was going to come through and see me – which I said was fine, it was getting late and understood he had stuff to do. I tried to call him on the bus home just to see if he was at mine or not and there was no answer. I saw that he had followed a girl on Instagram who was a naked cam-girl – which was really odd for him because he always said he never followed things like that and not interested (when I looked again he had unfollowed her, which made it seem even weirder. He also knows that I don’t really like that type of thing and how I feel about it). I got back to my flat and it was in darkness and his car wasn’t outside so I thought, well he can’t be there – I got in and slumped on the sofa and chilled there for probably over 10 minutes. I was really worried about him – not answering my call and sending me a message asking what I was doing with (detail removed by Moderator) and the naked girl and him saying he was physically unwell for a year – I felt super confused and in my stomach I felt a bit weird. I screenshot his message and sent to my friend for some advice – asking if I was over reacting or not – which I shouldn’t have done, I know I was in the wrong. He then messaged me asking if I had screenshot the message and who I had sent it to and why – and I denied it – again, I shouldn’t have lied but I was really worried about his reaction and desperate to not cause an argument. He then appeared on the mezzanine of my flat upstairs and told me he had seen me do it all and why was I lying to him. I jumped out of my skin. He said this was the last time I would see him, got some of his things together, gave me my spare key back and went and sat in his car with some of his stuff but not all of it. He said how could he trust me now, he thinks I went to see another man and accused me of cheating on him, I would be lying about bigger things. I went out to his car and somehow he started not only saying all this but then telling me he was so unwell physically. I think I was so tired and confused and drained that he came back inside and we fell asleep together and the next day everything went back to normal.

      * He always wanted to have a key for my flat, even when I said there was no need to get one cut and that I would rather he didn’t.

      * We went out on (detail removed by Moderator) to the same event and he was invited to come with my, my friend and her bf. He didn’t come with me, he didn’t really give a good reason and when he arrived at the venue he didn’t come and find me and was a bit off with me all night. His friends were there and asking me where he was, and I didn’t know. Later that night we were about to leave together and he asked me to look up (detail removed by Moderator) on my phone – I went on my phone and he then accused me of going on sex domination websites and said he was going to find my profile on there. I have never used these in my life nor would I cheat on him, but he was convinced. Verbally aggressive again telling me to f**k off. I tried to keep calm, asking for my key back which he wouldn’t give me. He drunk drove us home (I shouldn’t have gotten in the car but I wanted my key) and then pretended to throw my key over a fence (he didn’t as he posted it back through my letterbox when he heard me calling the police). I rang my dad first for some advice on what to do as he was shouting at me and going back and forth from his car to my flat, so I locked the door on him. My dad advised to call the police, so I did and they came out immediately and changed my locks. Then found my bf round the corner from my flat (even though he sent me a long text saying he was driving home) and arrested him for drink driving. I then got a train to my mums, which is where I am now.

      * I feel so guilty for calling the police on him but I didn’t know what else to do. I was scared and I didn’t think he would leave me alone.

      * Drink driving, with me in the car too. I asked him not to do this and said we could get a taxi and he would still do it and ignore me.

      * Shouting at me to f**k off when drunk and when sober.

      * Cutting me off in conversations when I am talking about something I care about or trying to talk about us. Either totally ignoring me or changing the subject.

      * Ignoring my messages to him through the day. Just sending a heart. After one of these episodes I called him in the morning to apologise to him and he said he had to go and hung up on me.

      * Demanding to see my phone and laptop for proof I wasn’t visiting these sex websites.

      * Making me feel bad for my past – I have been raped and assaulted before, more than once, and he made me feel very shameful for letting it happen again – he couldn’t understand why so I felt I had to disclose everything to him.

      * Saying I am always on my phone (though he is always on his) although I try not to be and actually don’t message friends or family back in evenings when I am with him.

      * Never spending an evening on my own.

      * He is nasty about all his ex girlfriends and they are all crazy.

      * He has assaulted someone in the past – he said it was a man. He got in a lot of fights and has fought someone when a friend and I were out with him.

      * He told me he thinks it is okay to hit a woman if she hits him first. I asked him if he really believed that and that I don’t think violence is ever good and he said yes he does think that.

      * He told me he loves fighting and the rush of the violence is better than sex.

      * He has never been violent with me.

      * When I have been in tears after he has shouted at me he tells me I look tragically beautiful when I am crying.

      * He said the best time we had sex was after he nearly broke up with me on (detail removed by Moderator) because I had dated someone (detail removed by Moderator) years ago that he used to go to school with.

      * I feel like it is easier to not go out with friends or family at all to save the drama and his reactions.

      * I always feel anxious in the pit of my stomach and have really low self-esteem. Family and friends have noticed my decline.

      * I feel like I am on eggshells with him all the time, worried to say or do something wrong. I’m being too sensitive, I used to have a sense of humour, why am I so serious/depressed .etc. I overreact, can’t take a joke and overanalyse too much. I always end up apologising.

      * He has recurring nightmares of me cheating on him.

      * He tells me I have done things that I know I haven’t – for example the cheating, the sex websites, telling me I slept with my best female friend, telling me that we kissed each other on a night out.

      * He is controlling with sex sometimes – once I had thrush and was unwell with tonsilitis and not in the mood and when I turned him down he said I don’t love him anymore and got really funny with me and moody. I felt like I had to have sex with him and afterwards he said sorry he didn’t mean to make me feel like I had to, and it made him feel rapey and I shouldn’t have gone through with it.

      * If I did anything like touch myself during sex, he would hold my hands away. When I asked him why he did this afterwards he said he basically just wanted me to have him and didn’t like it.

      * Made me throw away my vibrator because he was jealous of it.

      * Very possessive and jealous of previous boyfriends and any other people.

      So these are most of the things that has happened. I don’t know if this is emotional abuse? I don’t know if I am over reacting?

      I don’t really know what to do now. I’m at my mums, I stupidly replied to him because he has been sending me messages ranging from angry and sarcastic at first to apologising and saying he can’t make me take him back but how can we lose what we had over a silly drunken argument. I texted him and said it wasn’t an argument and he needed to know that. As far as I am concerned I wasn’t arguing with him – he was accusing me of something I didn’t do and swearing at me.

      I just don’t know what to do.

    • #54268
      stargazer lily
      Participant

      Dear starryeyed,

      After reading your post the first thing I want to say take a deep breath, you’re ok, and it’s great that you are at your mum’s place. You are safe now, and sadly it seems very clear to me that this man has been emotionally abusing you, for what sounds like a long time. He has also verbally confirmed that he would use violence if provoked and has assaulted someone in the past. It is no wonder you feel afraid and confused. I am so sorry you are going through this, that your confidence is so low and that you are grappling with these doubts on top of the grief of a breakup.

      I know it’s hard, but if there was ever a time to be on your own team, it’s now. Be really kind to yourself, you are not stupid, and you are not overreacting to anything – you are reacting. Those reactions are yours: they are your feelings, your emotions, your fears and perceptions, and they are all totally valid and ok. It sounds like you are in a state of shock and confusion, which anyone would be after experiencing the things you describe here.

      It can take such a long time to recognise emotional abuse, and the feeling is so uncomfortable when you start to step back and see what might have been happening within the safety and trust of a love relationship. In my own experience, I found the worst part of all was the inability to trust myself, which can be so disorientating. I deeply encourage you to trust yourself and your instincts here, because you have been treated vert badly by someone who does not understand boundaries and respect.

      However, I also know it is so hard to do that in the face of this behaviour, and in the context of loving and caring for someone. It can therefore help to get some expert advice, with a counsellor (BACP It’s Good to Talk website shows you where accredited counsellors are in your local area) or read through some classifications to get clear about what’s going on and the steps you can take to stay safe. Coming here was definitely a great start. There is so much on this website alone, and so much more out there. Have you read this: http://dvipiowa.org/resources/am-i-being-abused/

      No one can know the full extent of your situation as well as you, but just reading through what you have described I can see so many red flags that match up to the qualifiers listed here under “Emotional abuse”. And far more importantly, you have lived those red flags and experienced them. Again, try to trust yourself. Be really kind to yourself. Keep reading and talking to people you trust, those who support you and love you, and start to think about steps you can take to keep yourself safe, perhaps going “no contact” with your ex if you feel ready for that.

      • #54285
        starryeyed
        Participant

        Dear stargazer lily and White Rose,
        Thank you kindly for taking the time to reply to me. I really appreciated getting your responses.
        I keep bouncing from knowing that I need to leave him and that this has been exhausting and abusive and generally not right to absolutely fearing being without him and wanting him back. I can’t bring myself to change my number or delete him from social media/delete my accounts and go no contact. I’m finding myself hoping that he will change and for us to go back to how we were.
        I’m going between these two states like a yoyo, within hours.
        I did message him earlier this evening telling him that he had been emotionally abusive to me and for that reason I could no longer be in a relationship with him.
        From there on it has been an exchange of messages over several hours, and I’ve now put my phone away because my head is spinning. He has been asking me to meet him even just for 5 minutes, promising me he will get help and change, saying how he wants my children and future together and can’t see anyone else, that he needs me, begging me to not end it and he will get support immediately, said he has sent me flowers and a letter and I would have known this if I had been home (not sure how he knows I am not home…did he post the letter like he said? Go to my house? Flowers returned?), started saying that he had been treading on eggshells as well with me…the messages are essays and poems and him saying how he hates himself so much he can barely look in the mirror or get home without shaking or eat or do anything other than think about this. He said relationships all have their ups and downs. I said that I agreed but not all relationships are abusive. He said he wanted to take me away for a weekend to make things right.
        Do you think that he could change with the right support? How would I know this? I hate this idea of giving him an ultimatum too, as he did with me at the start. All I want is for our relationship to improve and him to not do this to me anymore. I did give him a chance before and almost broke up with him but he said he was going to get support and I tried to help him then.
        I’m conflicted about what to do. I know I can’t take him back and it breaks my heart. But part of my is hoping if he goes to get help and shows me he has, then we could maybe work it out in the future.
        I don’t know what I want in terms of living at all, I feel like a total shell and can’t see straight. I’m really lucky that I have a supportive family and they want me to move back with them for a while but I’m not sure I want to do this. I don’t know if I want to give my life up where it was. But unsure if I am holding onto it because I don’t want to lose him. I feel like I need to make a decision very soon, maybe even by tomorrow or the next day. I feel so low, like I just want to sleep all the time and bury my head in the sand.
        I tried to get through to the helpline but it has been engaged each time – do you know when is best to try and call?

        Thank you again and take care to you both x

    • #54279
      White Rose
      Participant

      Starryeyed you have done absolutely the right thing getting out, involving police and confiding in your parents.
      If you read back through your post and pretend someone else had written it what would you say in response to your question?
      There are so many red flags waving madly at me from your post. Keep away from him. Try ringing helpline for a chat and some practical advice. He’s not a man I’d recommend spending any more time with. I think you’re amazingly brave acting on your gut instinct and getting away from him. The advice regarding no contact is good advice try to follow it. If there’s nothing to tie you to him keep away from him and keep safe.
      Take care keep posting when you need to xx

      • #54286
        starryeyed
        Participant

        Thank you so much. I really don’t feel very brave at the moment. I can’t bring myself to cut him out and now he has messaged me since I said I can’t be in a relationship with him, I feel even more conflicted and wishful and I’m finding myself hoping he goes for help and gets better…so we can work it out. I don’t know what to do really. I’m fortunate I have no ties to him, we never lived together and we don’t have children. I tried to call the helpline a few times but I couldn’t get through – do you know a good time to call? x

    • #54287
      Tiffany
      Participant

      The best thing to do is call, leave a message with your phone number and ask them to call you back.

      I am afraid that this man is good at manipulating you – he made you move house after a short long distance relationship and he made you forgive all of that bad behaviour and emotional abuse. I know what it is like. I spent years with a man who was hurting me so badly emotionally that I became physically ill. And I agreed to marry him even though he was making me feel worthless daily. I really can’t recommend going no contact strongly enough. It took me a couple of weeks to stop text contact, and months before I blocked him on email, so I know how hard it can be. But things become so much clearer without contact. Can you maybe block some forms of contact now – the ones you find most distressing, and work up to total no contact? I started by removing him from my social media – I didn’t think it was healthy to see photos of him, and I didn’t want him learning where I was. But blocking phone contact is the biggest one that helped me.

      Could you start with one and give yourself a couple of days to try and manage the rest? It will help keep you safe. And make you happier too.

      • #54326
        starryeyed
        Participant

        Thank you for replying Tiffany, I really appreciate it. I’ll try the helpline tomorrow and leave a voicemail.

        I’m so sorry to hear that this situation happened to you as well.

        I find it really confusing how conflicted I feel about everything. Breaking up with him is something I really don’t want to do and I am so desperate for him to genuinely want to change his behaviours towards me and seek help.

        I’m going to stay with family for a little while and move away. I haven’t told him this and I feel guilty because of this. He has sent so many messages to me since last night, totally bombarded with how sorry he is and how he will seek help and how much he loves me. But he hasn’t asked how I am once. My head is spinning and I can’t seem to manage even small tasks, I’m completely losing days and feel so lazy and cross with myself. I told him I had to meet him at the end of this week and said I was staying with family in the mean time and he said that it felt too long, that he was worried feelings may have changed by that time but if that is what I feel comfortable with then that’s okay.

        (detail removed by moderator).

        I’m thinking of writing him a letter, explaining how I feel and what has been happening, and give it to him when I see him at the weekend. Because I don’t think I will be able to speak my thoughts well enough and I worry that he won’t listen. If my thoughts are written down he can look at this and maybe reflect. I’m worried that he doesn’t know that I am leaving and feel guilty that I should tell him this.

        Deep down I hope that he appreciates that I need some space and time to get myself together. And that he will go and get some help. And maybe then we could think about getting back together. If he loved me as much as he said he does then he would respect that and not just go off with the next person or see the distance as an issue.

      • #54333
        Tiffany
        Participant

        I stayed for years hoping he would change. He didn’t. I still hope he will one day with someone else. I knew he’d never do it for me though. We get so caught in patterns of behaviour with people. And he has established a pattern of behaving badly to you and getting away with it. And he isn’t going to change.

        It’s great that you recognise that he isn’t asking how you are, only focusing on himself. My ex was like that in the extreme – he saw all negative actions or events as personal attacks on him – but never saw his actions as hurting others. I am afraid it is common in abusers. It’s also common for them not to respect boundaries – not realising that you need space and pursuing you endlessly and bombarding you with text messages is common. The sign outside your work is a really scary extension to that – I know in books or movies it might be seen as romantic, but in real life it is terrifying and honestly I would consider phoning the police if anything like that happens again. He both stalking you – showing up at your place of work when you have told him that you need space, and trying to publicly pressure you into staying with him – there is nothing wrong with public declarations of love in a happy relationship where you know the other person wants it, but when you are leaving/needing some space it is creepy and manipulative.

        Please don’t tell him you are leaving until you are safely away and he can’t contact you. Then if you feel the need to write a letter you can. I wrote one to mine dumping him as kindly but as firmly as I could. He kept contacting me for months afterwards – he even pretended he had lost the letter and couldn’t remember what I had said, although that ended when I offered to email him a copy. Things didn’t really get better until I completely blocked contact.

        The way you are feeling is common with abuse and ending abusive relationships. We call it the FOG of abuse, because it feels like walking in fig, and when we get out we realise the fog is made of Fear, Obligation and Guilt, which are an abuser a main tools. Sounds like your man is pushing the guilt buttons at the moment, but if that doesn’t work then be aware he may turn to fear, threatening either you or himself. It would be good to go no contact before he tries this if you can.

        In the mean time, look after yourself and be kind to yourself.

        Love, Tiffany

    • #54297
      Serenity
      Participant

      Hi Starryeyed,

      It’s so hard when you’re in it to see things clearly, but as an outsider I can say that he sounds emotionally abusive, aggressive, manipulative, jealous and controlling.

      Many of the things that you described him as doing by ex-husband did in the early days of our relationship. How I wish I had recognised those behaviours as red flags. I went on to have children with him and he very nearly wrecked me for good. I’m still struggling with the aftermath of it, and my physical health has suffered.

      Please do not doubt that he is abusive. Everything is about him: an abuser only sees things from the stance of how it affects them.

      He won’t change. He is who he is, and I think it would only get worse over time. The things that he does- negating your needs and making you feel unimportant and only as someone to vent on- really destroys your sense of self over time. My advice would be to run for the hills.

      • #54327
        starryeyed
        Participant

        Thank you for getting in touch Serenity. I really appreciate it. I’m so sorry to hear that this happened to you and became worse.

        I keep reminding myself that actions speak louder than words. At the weekend he barely bothered to spend time with me although we were meant to be at an event together and he was invited along with me. I spent most of my time trying to find where he was. Something he told my friends partner was upsetting too.

        If you love someone you don’t treat them like that.

    • #54301
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Hi Starryeyed,

      reading your post felt so eerie because so much of it was familiar to me, a lot of the situations and behaviour are just how my abusive ex behaved. My ex also did the weird thing where I noticed he followed this celebrity on a social media site, then randomly she turned up in a film we were watching and he said he didn’t know who she was, then the next day I checked and he had unfollowed her. He also followed a glamour model on the same site then seemed to deliberately tilt my phone to show me whereas the rest of the time he had a lock on his phone and would always place it face down (because I’m pretty sure he was on dating and sex sites and cheating on me). It’s all about making us feel jealous, and also unhinged because we wonder if we imagined things – gaslighting. They do all sorts of crazy weird stuff then deny it ever happened and say it’s all in our heads. It confuses us and makes us think they must be right because we care about them trust them and can’t imagine why they would be lying.

      He has absolutely being trying to deny you of sleep, to weaken you making you easier to control. And I suspect that he is the one who has been cheating and visiting those sites – they always project onto us the things they are doing, to deflect blame, put us on the defensive and confuse us.

      You have absolutely done the right thing in reporting him and fleeing to safety. It feels insane at the time because you think ‘but he’s my lovely boyfriend’ but this is 100% abuse. It feels so painful because you think you’ve found your soulmate and these men act like the most wonderful men we have ever met in the beginning, before things start to turn strange and then escalate into dangerous.

      The fact that you have that pit of anxiety in your stomach is a huge telling sign – it is your gut telling you that he is not to be trusted and he is not safe. I had it too and was so confused for ages because he seemed wonderful, but by the end it all made sense.

      My ex also did the exact same at the end – started getting angry, accusing me of things and trying to create an argument when I had just asked him a really simple question about something minor. He had somehow turned it round to make it look like I was being mean to him and he was this victim, it was so confusing and distressing.

      It is great you recognised it early. Stick to no contact now, it is the only way with these men otherwise they get back into our lives and cause extreme chaos, destruction and in worst case scenarios they kill their partners because the sad truth is, they lack empathy, only seek power and control, are incapable of love and never actually cared about us like they pretended to. Google Cycle of Abuse, the Power and Control Wheel, Gaslighting, Hoovering and No Contact and lots of really useful info will come up clarifying what you have been through and will help to explain the next steps. Keep posting for support and don’t let him make you doubt yourself, block his number, save any evidence of harassment for the police and ideally change your number (you might want to look at moving to a different place too but get some advice from your local women’s aid and the helpline to put a safety plan in place).

      • #54330
        starryeyed
        Participant

        Thank you for your reply SunshineRainflower. I’m sorry that we have found ourselves in similar situations. As horrible as it sounds (and I don’t mean it in this way) but it’s good to hear that I’m not overreacting or going completely crazy. I am really doubting myself. I told him that he had emotionally abused me and gave him some examples. He told me he didn’t mean it and it would never happen again and I must know by now that he is sorry. He put a huge ‘I love you’ (detail removed by moderator). I’m thinking about writing him a letter to be able to put my thoughts down and giving this to him when I see him (I’m not seeing him alone). He doesn’t know I am moving away for a bit, and I feel very guilty about this. I feel that if he did love me as much as he said he does then he would respect my need for some time to get myself together and stronger and that he would go and get some help first…before we could think about reconnecting. And he wouldn’t just move onto the next person or think the distance was too much. I can’t seem to marry up him with the abuser. I keep reading about the cycle and hoovering and stuff but I can’t seem to get it into context here. What is wrong with me?
        The social media/women thing I found really odd because on one hand I know that some men follow women on social media and porn .etc. but he always told me he never was into this. And I wouldn’t be with a man who WAS into this type of thing, because I personally am not okay with it. So when I saw he followed this woman, I was so surprised! Especially because he would not be happy with me following men like that. It was very double standards. I used to have photos of myself on my social media accounts and he screenshot a photo and comments from some guys (friends can I add) saying I looked nice .etc. and asked who the f*** are these c**** and started going off on one. I deleted my photos not long after. I would understand if he had told me that he didn’t like the comments as we were together now and I didn’t really have an issue taking them down, but it made me feel really awful the way he approached it. He continued to like photos of girls (he said he knew them all and they were friends – they were mainly selfies or photos of them in bikinis or very revealing clothing) on social media and when I had told him it made me feel insecure he brushed it off, and continued to do it.
        I recently saw that he had done a similar thing with another fitness model. Followed, then unfollowed. Is this on purpose?
        Do you think that emotional abuse could cross over into physical? He messaged me saying he would never hit me or raise a finger to me. What you explain by the escalation to killing has really troubled me. But I’m not naive (I don’t think) so I do know this can happen in worst case scenarios.
        I haven’t done well with no contact and feel I can only do this after I meet him, if he becomes angry.
        Do you know much about tracking apps? Is that easy to him to be able to do?
        I’m a bit concerned that he would stay in my flat when I wasn’t there (when he had a key before locks were changed).

    • #54302
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      P.S It also sounded like from your post that he might be monitoring/tracking and stalking you as he has turned up at your flat and known about things that he wouldn’t have known about unless he was watching you in some way (like when he knew about the screenshotted message and the way he knows you have not been back to your flat). It is very common for them to do this. Turn off your gps on your smartphone, your ‘location’ and your mobile data. Then if you can, wipe and reset your phone (you can save your messages and photos and contacts using many apps or download them to your computer beforehand) just in case. You can also download apps that detect tracking apps but wiping the phone is the safest way, I had to do this too. I’m also sorry to say that abusers neve change so don’t believe any talk about him getting help and changing, they all say that and things always get worse, never better as much as we wish they did.

    • #54339
      IrisAtwood
      Participant

      Hi Starry,
      I spent a number of years living with, breaking up with and then returning to an abuser because I kept explaining his behaviour as a result of Aspergers and mental health problems.
      I loved him deeply and thought that I could ‘rescue’ him. I worked so hard at our relationship and life, I put him first in everyway and he nearly destroyed me. I have a thread called Examples of emotional abuse which you might find helpful as there are lots of posts from others who have been abused in this way.
      I was lucky eventually because he discarded me, which is part of the pattern of a certain type of personality, so I am not battling his behaviour or attempts to get me back. I am battling my intense trauma bond though which means that I miss what I thought he was and am grieving what I lost, as well as trying to recover from his abuse.
      I am telling you this not to ‘merail’ but to add my voice to those telling you that you are definitely being abused, he will not change, you have to go NC to survive this and that you are not alone.

    • #54412
      cloudyday
      Participant

      Hi Starryeyed. You are describing my boyfriend almost exactly. I can relate to everything you have described. I am constantly living in a state of confusion as his moods change literally from hour to hour. I have tried NC a number of times but always cave in when he bombards me with calls and turns up at my house and in the end makes me feel sorry for him. The sleep deprivation is another thing I experience, the same as you and it is difficult to concentrate on my job the next day as Im so tired and ive even taken odd days off work because I couldnt function. It is 100% emotional abuse you are experiencing and Im going through the same thing. He is constantly checking where I am and also accusing me of cheating on him, even if I stay 15 mins late at work. He also makes me give him my phone and then deletes all his abusive messages, all recent calls and checks all my other messages on there on a regular basis. It is a good thing that you have had the strength to take yourself away from the situation and are staying with family. Im finding it so hard to break the cycle. I wake every morning in a state of anxiety. No matter how I defend myself he always verbally wins and blames me for everything and it is always my fault, never his. He gaslights every situation and now I cant trust my own judgement as everything is clouded. They wont change. Its just in them and always will be. Keep posting on here and def speak to helpline. It sounds like you have a good supportive family. My family have almost given up on me as I cant seem to leave him. I dont tell them things anymore as they are sick of hearing it when they say I do nothing about it. At least you have had the strength to do something positive. As IrisAtwood said You are not alone.

      • #54880
        starryeyed
        Participant

        Hi CloudyDay, I’m really sorry I didn’t reply to you sooner. I really hope you are okay and I want you to know that I am thinking about you. As you said to me, you are not alone. My goodness you are very strong at keeping going – sleep deprivation is so, so powerful and I found it so difficult to be able to concentrate with everyday life and tasks let alone try and think about a plan to get away and deal with emotional abuse. I do have a very supportive family but I think this situation has pushed them and I think they have been very frustrated with me and have found it hard to understand at times too…as Lisa said too, I am sure your family will support your decisions. I feel that I have lost friends through this as well, but I do hope that the relationships can be amended in time. I swear this is one of the hardest things to do in our lives. By the way you wrote your post, it sounds like you are very sure about your situation – unlike me, who keeps thinking I have made it all up or am overreacting – and by you knowing that how he is treating you is so very wrong, then I think you have achieved a huge amount! I wonder if there is anyone you can talk to at work? I know at my last work place they had a woman who was a designated domestic violence person, and she was there to speak to about whatever it was happening to you. Keep posting, you aren’t alone. Sending you lots of love.

    • #54430
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Cloudyday,

      I just wanted to show you some support. I am so sorry to hear about your boyfriend. Your situation sounds very stressful and unhappy. Your advice is good but please do try to take some of your own excellent advice too! The Helpline can help you and your local Women’s Aid group can too. I know it can be hurtful and upsetting when you feel that your friends and family are turning their back on you because they can’t bare to see you hurt and unhappy but I am sure that if you need them they will be there.

      I hope that this can be the start of your steps towards freedom and a life free from abuse. You deserve to be happy.

      Best wishes,

      Lisa
      Forum Moderator

    • #54605
      starryeyed
      Participant

      Thank you for all of your replies, I’ve really appreciated reading them and it’s been really helpful hearing your advice and thoughts.

      Today has been a particularly difficult day and I’ve really wanted to get in touch with him.

      I’ve properly moved out of my flat now and I’ve left my job – I recognise I’m really lucky to be able to do this but I’m really worried about the financial implications and I feel confused and frustrated that I’ve felt I had to give up my life. But I still don’t feel angry at him, which makes me even more confused.

      He was meant to meet me in the morning before I moved out to talk but he changed his mind and accused me of lying to him at 4am. He didn’t turn up to meet me so we had to take his belongings to his house – he had called and messaged saying he didn’t want to talk and wanted to make the process as quick as possible – although he couldn’t be bothered to meet me earlier. Before we arrived he then said he did want to talk. I went with a family member to his door to leave his things there and he came out and he looked really upset and like he had been crying and he was really shaking. He wanted me to come in and talk but I couldn’t – my family didn’t let me and I knew I shouldn’t even though I really wanted to. He had written a lengthy letter and wanted to read it to me but didn’t want to in front of my family member so I read it in the doorway. The letter said things along the lines of how he wished I loved him like I say I do and if only I can look past the bad things that have happened and how he promises things will be different this time. Mentions me being his soulmate and all the lovely things we used to like doing together (but barely did after the first 2 months). He mentioned how we would miss out doing all the things we wanted to do together and how he begs me to put our differences aside. We kissed on the doorstep and hugged and he asked if he could see me alone and I nodded. It was horrific leaving him like that, I felt so guilty, like I was being overreactive and like I was making the worse mistake of my life.

      I feel so divided still though – like part of me is fearful of what could have escalated and know that this has been abusive and wrong…but the other part of me is clinging to him and those hopes and dreams and I feel massively still in love with him. I know if I was there without family present, I would have gone back into his arms and things would have stayed how they were. Part of me even wishes I had never called the police and just stuck it out.

      I’ve had to tell him numerous times by message that we have broken up, and I decided against giving him the letter after speaking to Women’s Aid…they said it may just be used for further manipulation. I did tell him he has been emotionally abusive and this is why I can’t be in the relationship and that I was scared of him which is why I called the police but he didn’t really acknowledge this and just wanted to know how he has been possessive and controlling. He said that he has been walking on eggshells with me and that I have been emotionally abusive towards him. He has messaged me quite a lot and they range from being really lovely and supportive – he said he has gone for help at the GP and is on anti-depressants and would give me the space I need and wait for me, even if it takes months or years – to, not threatening or anything but putting the blame on me for doing this and how cruel and selfish I am being and how much he is suffering because of this and why am I doing this…how no one will ever love me as much as he does and how my friends and family are turning me against him.

      For some reason I haven’t felt able to block him, although I haven’t been replying to his messages over the past few days since I was straight with him and said I changed my mind about meeting and that we had finished. He hasn’t messaged me today and I wonder if that has anything to do with it being Valentines Day?

    • #54621
      Tiffany
      Participant

      I am afraid that this all sounds like normal abusive behaviour. You could be describing almost exactly the behaviour of my ex when I left him. Accusing us of abuse is common too. As are the wild mood swings where one minute they are begging us to come back and the next they are accusing us of causing all their problems. Not replying is good, but it really will help to block his contact. He may stop messaging you when he gets no response – mine mostly stopped after a couple of days, but I got sporadic texts for months until I changed my number. It would, in hindsight have been much better to change it straight away, but it took me time to recognise the abuse and realise what I had to do.

    • #54632
      Tink123
      Participant

      Hi starryeyed
      You need to get out the relationship, it’s only going to get worse, this is abuse, if your doing things u don’t want to and only doing them so u don’t get shouted out or sworn at, ur doing only by force ur changing because his making u change into someone else, it really is only goin to get worse, I was in a situation, I had to choose be scarred being with him or be scarred on my own (my ex use to threaten me) I got out, it was the best thing I did, I only wish I had done it sooner, you say he had abusive exs, I think it would be the other way around as that’s what my ex did, I decided to apply for Claire law, I think u should to, I found out alot and glad I did as I got some truth my ex had done this before, there called (detail removed by moderator) people, they will keep doing this, its what they do, get ur research from u tube, I hope u find the strength to leave as he will keep saying he is sorry and do it again and again, until u leave for good x

    • #54881
      starryeyed
      Participant

      Hi Tiffany and Tink123, thank you for your replies I really appreciate it. The more I’ve spoken to people about it the more I’ve been told it has been textbook abuse. Which is hard to digest really and I’m still back and forth on seeing things clearly. Not sure when I am going to be able to see stuff for what it is or has been. So, I have managed to delete and block social media and numbers now but he has managed to call me off 2 different numbers I don’t recognise and left voicemails. I nearly met him but he was pushing and pushing for longer time together but I didn’t feel comfortable in the end and changed my mind about meeting. The results from the DASH risk assessments has scared me more and made me see that I really can’t meet him for safety reasons. I have started Clare’s Law application too so now waiting to see if anything comes back, maybe nothing will who knows. Thank you for your support x*x

    • #55474
      bobbi
      Participant

      Starryeyed I want to say thank you for posting. I am new to the forum and your post is exactly what was going through my head. WA and a local DA service have told me it is abuse but I keep thinking it’s me, I’m over reacting. I know I need to go to the police about some of the things that have happened to me and needed to be clear about everything so they have a full clear picture.

      Your initial post with the bullet point list really helped me because it jogged my memory and helped me write a list of over 40 points/incidents I need to raise when I do find the strength to go to the police and also to raise with my solicitor.

      I hope you are currently well and safe.

      • #55483
        starryeyed
        Participant

        Hey Bobbi, thanks for your message and I’m glad the post helped you. I’m glad you wrote a list too, and I hope it helps when you do go to the police and solicitor. I did a bit of a mind-map to try and get things down because I find when I’m missing him I forget about things so having a look at it can re-jig my memory. I only felt able to do this when I was away from him because otherwise I think he would have found it. I still feel like I am overreacting and despite hearing back from Clare’s Law I still feel as confused as I did when I first posted. I hope things start to clear for both of us and every other woman feeling this way <3

        Take care x*x

    • #55540
      bobbi
      Participant

      Hi Starryeyed

      I think when we are told something enough times we start to believe it; so we believe the rubbish we are fed by our abusers. This also means that eventually we will believe it really is abuse and has to be stopped/we’ve done the right thing escaping.

      I am still living with my ex-husband because of financial issues but was advised by WA when they said to sort out my safety plan to keep things locked away if possible. I went out and bought a lockable filing box. It is big enough for my emergency phone, diary, journal, and the lap top I went and bought because I cannot trust him using the same PC after a discovery I made. I have also hidden the box so it’s out of sight. It’s not fool proof but makes me feel a little more secure in the knowledge it’s locked away.

      I still don’t always feel sure and feel like I am the one about to cause a big stinking mess if I report him. I don’t like conflict or drama and I feel like I am instigating it by reporting it!

      It’s so hard!

    • #55585
      Countrylass
      Participant

      I’m new here so won’t say much…dont feel I’m qualified yet! But those rec flags…those instincts must mean something not right. I feel that deep down at home too x

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