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Hi everyone I would really appreciate your help and opinions here. I find my partners behaviour is so inconsistent that sometimes I think he’s abusing me but other times I think I was just being silly it’s not that bad.
Since the beginning of the year we have been struggling financially. So We began to claim universal credit, what I thought was just laziness I now believe is actually weaponised incompetence. He would lounge about on the sofa all day watching as I did all the housework (I was also pregnant at this time) until he finally began working again, our universal credit went down due to his income however he kept those wages to himself expecting me to pay all bills and food etc from my account using the universal credit, also due to him working he somehow managed to find even less to do to help around the house. However on the odd occasion he would do something helpful so when I ask for more help with housework he would blow it up out of proportion and somehow make it sound like he does more housework that I did, which is really hard to argue against because he really DID take the bins out that one time. On other occasions when he hasn’t done his share for a while he just gets annoyed and tells me that he works. In all honesty I wouldn’t mind doing all the housework if his “work” actually paid the bills. He claims he is using his wages to pay back credit cards and debts etc. Plus it’s not only housework he skips out on he doesn’t “babysit” for lack of a better word, he sees his children for barely an hour a day.
Anyway after my son was born our rent went up in price, universal credit went down so our benefits only just pay the rent. I have been getting food parcels from Salvation Army and my partner finally began giving me money for bills.
My partner smokes, goes for coffee every morning, and regularly goes to the barbers for haircuts. I can’t even afford food for our kids and he is buying cigarettes and coffee!!!!!! I also found out that he spent (removed by moderator) at the beginning of the year and a few days ago I caught him online gambling, he also spent (removed by moderator).
Recently when I ask him for money he will allow me to use the credit card so he is no longer denying me money but I fear it is getting us further and further into debt .
When I ask him directly where his wages actually go he says he saving to go on holiday. I’m also not sure if he is being honest about how much he earns as he accidentally let it slip that he had (removed by moderator).
I have looked a little bit into financial abuse and it talks about abusers cutting victims financial resources off all together. So I really don’t know if this counts or not. I’m just feeling very stuck, exhausted, overwhelmed, and guilty, I don’t feel like this is fair on our kids and want to make sure that I do what is right for them.
So A) does this count as financial abuse? And B) does weaponised incompetence count as abuse or is he just lazy?
Sorry btw just realised how long this post is
Thank you if you read all the way to the end. Appreciate and help you can give 🙏❤️ -
I actually understand your situation so much.
I do think it is abuse. I don’t have kids, but I am going through the same stuff as you. He earns a lot and has thousands in his savings account just laying there. I am literally living from wage to wage, where I can’t afford to even buy new socks. Only because I pay for rent. I pay for everything else, with him saying ‘I will give you some money to pay for it’ But it always ends up me paying for everything until I have £0 in my bank account, where he can go ahead and buy whatever he wants for himself including branded clothing, etc. Any time I mention something about it, it just causes a fight and I end up being a ‘gold digger’ ?? He rarely would give me his bank card to go food shopping, but I would always get a question afterwards ‘how much did you spend?’ Or would only transfer me some money just so it’s enough to pay for rent for example. He wouldn’t transfer anything extra or even offer to pay for bills from time to time. And I just always have to listen about how little money he has, when I have £0 in my account that’s including an overdraft.It’s just manipulation and lying just to use you.
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Hi, yes definitely financial abuse. I experienced all of this. I posted a week or so ago a link to Surviving Economic Abuse, 6 Stages of Life. It gives a really clear understanding of the issue. I was the same as you for a long time as thought it could only be when they literally cut you off from all money but it’s not just that. I’ll see if I can find the link again. X
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It is financial abuse, I had the same, the gaslighting made me doubt it for years.
He would tell me that I was taking the p**s of him.
While I paid for everything for years, each year forgetting it and trying to start a-new, write a journal so you really see a pattern, this helped me, really opened my eyes, I read back from a year ago and realized, wow we are exactly in the same position.
They want you to be struggling, weak and stressed with your financial situation, this makes you easier to control. They want you to feel helpless and in need of them. They want to be the center of our world, for us to feel like we cannot cope without them. When the truth is the exact opposite, we would be much better off without them.
x*x -
Yes 100%. Similar story here, I pay for 90% of bills, all food, all childcare and have no savings or spare cash left each month for anything, to be honest I can’t even cover the bills at the minute. But he pays a minimal static ‘rent’ regardless of how much he earns, has or I’m expected to buy him. The rest of his money goes in the pub and on his addictions. It’s abuse.
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Oh yes, his money was spend on his addictions, clothes, taking me on meals out (I would much prefer a full fridge).
I had to scrimp every penny, not buy new clothes and worry about finances. While he told me ‘money comes and goes’.
He used to get angry when I brought up the subject, tell me that everyone struggles, look at what we have, we are fine.-
@eyesopening! SO FAMILIAR!! Same man maybe?!
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Whenever I challenge it I either get empty promises that never transpire, a rant about women wanting equality so here it is, my child’s parent needing to contribute more not him or just full on abuse. Never, here you go let me help you response!
It’s amazing how many times he can forget his wallet after filling a trolley with absolutely everything…
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The gaslighting is unbelievable, the only way I saw truth was by writing things down.
I would say to him something about not spending money on a suit, because bills should come first.
I was sworn at and told that he paid this rent and that rent (so (removed by moderator) out of (removed by moderator) rents?!) and all winter electricity. Like he had paid so much for everything. Like I cannot say anything.
Then, if he spoke to others, he would say: well ‘my partner’ is paying for everything she is really keeping us afloat, she is great blah blah. But then to me, he would never ever acknowledge my contribution and how hard I worked. It was so confusing.
I started to write down all the actual cash I gave him, as we agreed to be half and half, financially & chore wise ( this was always my condition to being with him ) he would say, ‘(removed by moderator)’. But ofcourse that never happened. So I recorded the amounts he owed me, I told him one day how much he owed me and he went crazy about it. Ofcourse i never brought that up again.
The last couple of years he started taking my card or cash out my wallet without asking, or telling me.
Sorry PurpleCupCake, I have gone on, but I think it helps to hear others experiences because you can easily see what’s right and wrong when you are not in the middle of it.
x*x -
Don’t apologise Eyesopening, it’s really good to read your story and helps me to get perspective.my partner used to gaslight me just after my baby was born. He would say he didn’t sleep because baby was up all night crying despite that I woke up several times in the night to feed the baby who didn’t cry at all at night. He would tell (removed by moderator) he needed to leave work early because I could handle two children. He would tell me that our baby is dying, tried to force me into formula feeding despite having agreed that I would breastfeed, then yelling saying that my breastmilk is killing our child. Basically everything that made me out to be a terrible mum, this did stop after a few weeks when baby was getting regular check ups and weigh ins with the Heath visitor, as this kind of proved that the baby was healthy.
I also can relate to what BananaBoat said about empty promises too. I’ve noticed everytime I raise the subject of money it’s always a case of “just wait until after …” or “it’ll be different when…” in fact this is what first alerted me that it’s possibly abuse as he promised “things will be different after the baby is born” so I waited, struggled through my pregnancy only to be told after “just wait until … happens” I then thought back and traced these excuses all the way back nearly two years, when he borrowed (removed by moderator). I am still waiting for him to pay them back and feel awkward at family gatherings now because I know we owe money.
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Mine is nice as pie when he’s wanted to lend money from me in the past (which thankfully isn’t very often now he’s fraudulently claiming certain benefits). Once it comes to paying me back it’s a different story though. I’m usually told how he’s paid for x,y or z (which might just be a bit of food which he eats as well) and it’s never a simple case of him just paying me back.
Ugh, they’re all so similar!-
Scary similar :/
For so long I thought it was normal, or that I was completely alone in this.
But now I am here so many women experience the same thing…
We are stronger when we come together.
I think with the modern age of things like forums and the ease to access information.
Things must get better and these men wont get away with it so much.
Imagine women before us, they would of had no idea what was going on.
If we start to break the cycle, so our children do not end up in abusive relationships or do not end up as abusers.
We not only help ourselves but future generations.
x*x
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