Is this legally classed as abuse?

[Worryworm]

Hi Everyone,

I’m looking for confirmation that what I experienced is actually legally classed as abuse. As in my head it seems a bit far fetched to call it abuse, in comparison to the awful abuse some people endure. Also looking for advice regarding my housing situation.

Sorry this is going to be a long post as I’m going to need to provide some background information.

Our relationship started with serious love bombing. I had never experienced anything like it and almost immediately fell head over heels in love, thinking this must be the real deal. It was so intense, showering me with compliments, gifts, heartfelt personalised poems. It was heaven! After (detail removed by Moderator) I found out I was pregnant, and soon after that’s when everything changed.

We had both been drinking heavily, life was one big party. But as soon as I found out I was pregnant I stopped drinking, but he carried on, I thought he was just having difficulty adjusting.

Someone then told me he had been to prison for domestic violence. I confronted him about it, and he said it was true but he should never have gone. His ex had twisted everything and even his ex pleaded with the judge to forget she had said anything. I thought a (detail removed by Moderator) sentence was a long time for something that was made up. But his family confirmed he was innocent, so I believed his ex was actually the psycho.

After (detail removed by Moderator) he was steaming drunk and out of no where started to stare at me with the evilest of eyes. I asked what was wrong and he slurred that he was going to slit my throat. I burst into tears, so he told me to stop being so pathetic and even our unborn child wouldn’t protect me as he’d stab me in the stomach. I was distraught so phoned his mum, and she was horrified, but said just ignore him and go to bed as it’s just the drink talking and he’ll be fine when he sobers up. In hindsight this is when I should have left. But I so desperately wanted us to have the perfect family, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

He carried on drinking heavily and one evening didn’t come home. From that moment he wouldn’t come to bed and slept on the sofa ever since. I suspect he had had an affair.

One evening when we were out for a meal, he got so drunk he could hardly stand up and started telling me he wanted to sleep with my best friends. Again I forgave him thinking it was just the drink.

He started getting very jealous of me and would make my life hell if I wanted to go out. Also monitored my social media and made me delete every male friend, until it became far easier for me to stop using social media completely. I see now that he completely isolated me.

Once our baby was born things were happy for a while and we moved to a larger house near his family and away from all of my connections. His drinking got worse and he lost his job so was home all the time. I had to use all of my savings to pay the bills and keep a roof over our head. He couldn’t hold a job down so in the end we had to resort to benefits and he couldn’t get credit so we had to take out credit in my name. This was just to keep a roof over my head, I never spent a penny on myself or my children. Not even to replace socks with holes in.

He would spend so much on alcohol and gambling that there wasn’t enough money to pay the bills. When I told him we couldn’t afford it he would get nasty with me, give me the silent treatment or tell me he was going to leave.

Life improved for a while and we had a second child. But as before his drinking increased and yet again he lost his job. I realised his heavy drinking had escalated into him being a full blown alcoholic. I tried to get him help but he refused.

I had always looked after the children 100% myself. He hadn’t even changed a nappy once. Literally nothing. Same with the housework. He wouldn’t help with one single thing and never so much as done the washing up. Nothing!! He would make me take the children into the bathroom with me if I wanted a shower. I would have to bring them all with me if I had to pop to the corner shop just for milk.

He started to call me names, calling me a lazy b***h etc. Once I was feeling very poorly so said I had to lie down for 10 minutes. After 5 minutes he came upstairs in a rage and told me to get up and punched a hole in the wall. I had put on weight from comfort eating. And he told me not to eat near the front window, so the neighbours wouldn’t see me eating.

There’s a few punch holes in the walls from various occasions. And although he was mainly verbally abusive and just threats. He slapped me a few times, and grabbed me by the throat up against a wall and spat on me, and pushed me around.

He would threaten to slit my throat fairly regularly in his drunken state. And sometimes I would find sharp knifes out on the kitchen side (he hadn’t been cooking). Or he would make a gun sign and pretend to shoot me.

We had sex just once, and you couldn’t make it up but I fell pregnant with our third child. We then went into lockdown and his drinking went off the scale. He was paralytic every day, drinking spirits for breakfast. He started disappearing and staying out for whole nights, telling me he’d been partying doing cocaine. I was beside myself, but at the same time felt happier when he wasn’t here.

I never once phoned the police on him, even though I knew I should have a few times. As I loved him and as the father of my children I wanted to protect him. I also feared that due to his previous conviction, he would be sent back to prison.

When I was (detail removed by Moderator) months pregnant, he hadn’t come home all weekend. And when he finally showed up, he was paralytic as usual and announced he was leaving as he no longer loved me. I was in pieces, I cried straight for (detail removed by Moderator) days hyperventilating. Heartbroken and terrified of being on my own, and a single mother to soon to be three children.

After (detail removed by Moderator) days of mourning. I stopped crying and was filled with a sense of relief. He was finally gone and I could begin rebuilding my life (although still petrified of giving birth alone).

He let our children down over and over again. Saying he would come to see them. But never did. (detail removed by Moderator) he announced on social media he was in a new relationship. I’m sure he was already having an affair with her and that’s the real reason he left.

He didn’t bother to find out when his third child was born, so I didn’t put him on the birth certificate.

Out of the blue (detail removed by Moderator) later he turned up with gifts for the kids and the equivalent of (detail removed by Moderator) child maintenance. He only stayed at the door for a few minutes, and came back weekly for (detail removed by Moderator) weeks with more cash. Only staying for (detail removed by Moderator) minutes each time. He then never came back again. My eldest was heartbroken.

(detail removed by Moderator) him and his girlfriend had a bad fight. She phoned the police saying he had beat her up so he spent the night in a cell. Once he was released (detail removed by Moderator) I woke up to banging at my door and stones hitting my bedroom window. I let him in before he woke up the kids, and told him he could stay on the sofa but he had to be out (detail removed by Moderator) before the kids woke up. I only let him stay as it was minus 4 outside and I didn’t want his death on my conscious. I felt sick to the bottom of my stomach that he was in my house.

Since then very time he has an argument with his girlfriend he contacts me saying he made a mistake and still loves me. I either ignore him or tell him he’s on another planet. Once giving me (detail removed by Moderator) missed calls in 24 hours.

Then after not seeing him for (detail removed by Moderator) months, (detail removed by Moderator) he turned up drunk. Barged his way in telling the kids he loved them. Crying with snot hanging out of his nose. It was quickly obvious he was drunk and I could smell it on him. I kept telling him to leave and he had no right to turn up unannounced after all this time, especially drunk.

He asked to start seeing the kids regularly. I said no way, as you obviously haven’t sorted yourself out at all, so he would need a court order for supervised access. He then turned evil and said (detail removed by Moderator). By that he means he’ll hire someone to kill me. I know what he was implying as he used to say he wanted to get his ex killed all the time. I told him I was going to phone the police, and it’s only when I went and got my phone that he actually went. I looked out of the window and he drove off in a (detail removed by Moderator), so was drunk driving. I wish I had thought to get the registration plate.

I just hate living like this, he’s the nightmare that keeps on giving. I really want to move so he doesn’t know where we live. I dread him falling out with his girlfriend, as know he’ll straight away harass me again or even worse turn up here.

When he moved out I told my landlord that I needed him to be removed from the tenancy. They said they couldn’t without his say so, but he wouldn’t answer their phone calls. (detail removed by Moderator) passed and I reminded them they still need to remove him from the tenancy. They said they can’t unless I can get a guarantor (which I can’t).

I’ve paid the rent in full and on time for the past (detail removed by Moderator) months, so I think this is unfair. But the truth is they are right as the only reason I can afford to stay here is because my parents top up my benefit money, to cover what my ex should be paying in child maintenance. So without their help I couldn’t afford it. So as my ex is listed on the tenancy, legally he has every right to live here as I do.

I can’t afford to rent privately as rents have soared and would only be able to afford a 1 bedroom flat. Which for 1 adult and three children isn’t ideal. I have applied for a few but every single one has said strictly no dss.

I have applied to the council but they won’t even let me join the waiting list for social housing, as I’m not homeless, even though I would be if my parents didn’t give me extra money. The only thing I could do is tell the council about the toxic relationship we had and his time in prison, then maybe they would consider me. But I don’t want to use up their limited resources if it’s not really classed as domestic abuse, as no others suffer far worse.

I feel so helpless and wish he didn’t know where we were living. What can I do?

[maddog]

This man is an abuser! The abuser is what and who they are through and through, and we fall in love with the False Self.
Please contact Women’s Aid and ask for help. The police should also be able to support you in developing a safety plan, and getting an occupation order.

A (detail removed by Moderator) sentence for Domestic Abuse is significant. These people lie through their teeth. Their lies are their reality, and most normal people expect others to be honest.

[KIP.]

Yes. I’d ring the police. Threats to kill. Coercive and controlling behaviour. Harrassment. Can your parents go as guarantor? Talk to your local women’s aid or ring the national domestic abuse helpline. There is lots of help out there. He’s just using you and the kids when it suits him and he’s dangerous.

[Worryworm]

Thank you so much for your replies and taking the time to read my essay. Also thank you for confirming it is abuse. I spent so many years blaming his drinking and making excuses for him that I just got used to it in the end. So it’s difficult to adjust my way of thinking and admit to myself that I was a victim of abuse after all. Your advise has been very helpful, thank you x

[iliketea]

Yes, this is definitely abuse, he also sounds dangerous. Good advice above. Also, write it all down, a history time line and also a day-to-day of more recent events. It will help to get it out of your head, and will help if you want to press charges going forward. Whether its in the criminal court or family court. I went to see the housing officer in person and explained the situation in full. They said they could class me as homeless even though I wasnt at that exact point. I needed to make the decision that I wanted to be on the housing list and out of the home. And as it was DA they would put me higher up the list. Especially with children. Could you be referred to local DA agency, womans aid or a local domestic abuse organisation, it varies area by area. Then once you have an IDVA then they can help as well in terms of the background and support. GP is a great first stop too, you’ll be amazed how much help they can provide. Ask also to see the Social Provider through your GP, and they can also help with financial grants/supports in your area and even housing related issues. Once you are able to put these supports in place, you can start living a life free from him and abuse. Get the professionals in to hold you up, that’s their job, and they will know how to help you. Stay strong, it will get better. x*x

[iliketea]

Also you can see a laywer for advice on the housing situation. I think if you apply for a non-molestation and an occupation order – that means you can they apply to have his name removed from the tenancy agreement, especially if he isn’t living there at the moment. Your parents can act as guarantors until you get on your feet, and you can also apply for housing benefit too, as well as universal credit. Most lawyers provide a free 30 minutes. Be clear ahead of contacting them on excatly what you would like advice on so you can get it all in in that time! Rights of Women website has some brilliant resources explaing the different orders and you could also call them to get free advice on your legal position. There will be a way to remain and stay safe, if that’s what you want to do. xx

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