Is this normal?

[Harpernaomi1]

So I’ve been with my partner now for (detail removed by moderator) and have kids with him. I’ve found that ever since we’ve had kids he’s changed. During my second pregnancy he went out on a (detail removed by moderator) with other women, lied about the fact that it was only him with them, then when I asked him to come home he refused. I left the key in the door and when I came down to let him in he was (detail removed by moderator)… anyway this was a while ago now and he’s since said I’m obsessed. I felt I couldn’t trust him so I decided to check his phone. I found he had messaged the girl saying he couldn’t wait for the (detail removed by moderator) they were due to go on, she has since left the company. He was taking pics of them and bragging about it to his mates and even had a video of (detail removed by moderator). I can’t get along with him since this incident as I was pregnant and feel like he betrayed me. He’s n**********c and twists everything I say and uses everything I say against me. An argument on (detail removed by moderator) was him saying that he was taking the kids to his mothers, I asked what time, then he said whenever he wanted, so I said (detail removed by moderator) and he went off on one and then said it was me who started the argument cos I have an issue with his mum. On (detail removed by moderator) he did much the same, he argued with me and told me “(detail removed by moderator)” because I (detail removed by moderator)
He refuses to accept how I feel about anything. I told him that day that I felt like he didn’t have much involvement with our new baby and he told me I was a “(detail removed by moderator)” for feeling that way. I tried to leave him a few weeks ago but he wouldn’t let me and told me I was taking the kids away from him, I said I wasn’t and he could see them whenever he wanted but he still said I was taking the kids away, then he said he’d ring the police on me and take me to court! During the other argument he told me when he goes to his parents ge might just take the kids there and not bring them back and then when he got my eldest out of bed he brought him down and said “(detail removed by moderator)” then afterwards he said how disgusted he was that I didn’t go to his parents house on (detail removed by moderator), his mum texted me to invite me, he even said (detail removed by moderator)! I couldn’t believe the audacity!!! His mum is much the same as him and both of them have been really pushy about me leaving the kids with her. I didn’t want to leave my kids at all, I love having them around but I got so sick of the abuse I eventually succumbed. He tells me I’m miserable ever since I had kids, but said I’m making him miserable. He starts the argument then says it’s me making him miserable… I’m constantly paranoid that he’s texting other women due to what happened last year but in reality if he went off with another women she’d be doing me a favour! He’s horrible to me and has no respect for me.

[Lisa]

Hi Harpernaomi1,

It sounds like you could benefit from talking in more detail about what you have been experiencing with a local domestic abuse support worker. Your situation sounds incredibly difficult and it’s sounds like you are quite isolated. They can provide on-going emotional and practical help if needed.
In terms of child contact; trust your gut and do what you think is in the best interests of the children. Your partner has no reason to get police involved and if he wants to take you to court, let him. This way a formal child contact arrangement can be arranged that has to be adhered to by him as well. It will give you the chance to express to the courts what you have been going through. The nature of the abuse and the impact it can have on the children should then reflect the contact arrangements. You can Speak to Coram who specialise in child contact and Rights of Women. This hopefully can bring clarity on how to move forward with this.
Do keep posting. Many women her on this forum have also experienced the devastating affects of such abuse and control, especially when it comes to child contact. You are not alone.
Take care,

Lisa

[Author]

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