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    • #83443
      AlwaysSorry
      Participant

      Is it normal to suddenly take what seems to be several steps back?
      I think he called. It was a withheld number. Someone breathing. Only a few seconds, then call ended. Am I crazy for thinking that breath sounded like him? All I could say was hello but there was only breathing, no other words.
      I’m a sobbing mess. I behaved so badly at times, I was so dependent on him, maybe I was the one to keep arguments going in circles because it simply made no sense how one minute he was talking about sex with girl a or girl b, the next girl c, then claim he never would do anything with them in writing, to then grab and shake me next time he would see me for having texted him about it. Maybe I shouldn’t have texted about it. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked questions, maybe it’s not normal to ask about marriage and children or where to live or why he spoke about other women the way he did. Maybe I shouldn’t have saiid how lonely it was to sit at home just waiting. Are they going to flip it back onto me? If all his friends and family are so sure I am the problem then why didn’t they report me, why did they never come, perhaps then they could have seen it for themselves.
      I was doing better, I don’t want to be in this place again anymore, it hurts. I could swear it sounded just like his breathing,

    • #83446
      AlwaysSorry
      Participant

      mYabe I shouldn’t have asked for reassurance, maybe I shouldn’t have asked holidays be spent together not with other women. Maybe I shouldn’t have become upset when he called me Mrs his surname after he said he never wanted to marry me.

    • #83450
      KIP.
      Participant

      You did NOTHING wrong. You are not the person with the abusive nature. Anything you did was in response to being abused. There’s absolutely nothing you could have done differently because he would have abused you anyway. It was never about your actions. It was about his unacceptable abusive violent selfish self serving behaviour. And he will never change. How his family and friends deal with the knowledge they have which has been drip fed to them, is their responsibility. Victim blaming is very common. It’s easier sometimes to blame the victim than face the truth of someone you care about. You’re going to have a real rollercoaster ride. Yes, sadly you may revisit the horrible stuff but with each visit you can become stronger. Keep telling yourself, you’re stronger than you know. Change your number as soon as you can. Even if it wasn’t him in the phone at least it will give you some peace of mind. Only give it to those who have zero contact with him. You will get through this. It’s a long bumpy road but you can and will get through it x

    • #83479
      AlwaysSorry
      Participant

      Thanks KIP x I don’t know why but it really triggered me. It’s really hard sometimes to tell myself it wasn’t my fault because I spent so many years believing it was. It’s easy to fall back into. And everyone back when I was still with him seemed to reinforce the idea that I was the problem, I sometimes even often just agreed. It’s really scary that he could make me believe things that weren’t real, brainwashed there’s no other word for it. When his sister was trying to assault me and had to be held back firmly, he could make it sound like it was his sister who had been in fear of me assaulting her and so I had been the one to commit a crime against his sister. And that he, his sister and his mum would make statements to say so if I didn’t apologise. So I said sorry. I said sorry all the time. Thanks KIP x

    • #83481
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Its perfectly normal to go back to where you were mentally during the abuse after something like this.

      I often think “oh, if only I had done this, he wouldn’t have hurt me”, but I’m pretty d**n sure, as you should be, that it would have happened anyway.

      Please hold onto your strength. Look at how you were able to get away. This isn’t some small thing.

      Is there any way that you can stop contact with his family?

    • #83492
      AlwaysSorry
      Participant

      Thank you Justholdingon x
      It’s very reassuring to read replies cause it feels like going crazy. I had some really good days where I felt strong and that I was standing up for myself. And then I didn’t.

      And it all came tumbling after that breath-sigh.

      I have his family blocked in the ways I could but I don’t have all phone numbers so those I can’t block. I know his mother’s phone number was withheld but I can’t know for sure who it was. His friends and family keep showing up as suggested friends and I keep removing them so I think that it just all became too much. And I think I can’t forgive myself completely for all I’ve done even though as you say I know it didn’t matter if I reacted after the 10th time he called me a c*** or after the 20th. He would just keep going anyway.

    • #83493
      Flowerchild
      Participant

      I think it’s perfectly normal to have your head spinning and feel off balance when you’ve stepped off the crazy roller coaster ride and abuser takes you on!

      The common mistake is overthinking what has happened in a vain attempt to make sense of what is essentially crazy behaviour on the part of your ex. Cruel mind games played by a controlling, ruthless player will never make any sense to the victim. You are a survivor now, though, and have stepped back into reality, away from his alternative universe.

      It will just take a bit of time to recover, so be gentle with yourself, forget any self-blaming or questioning and let the healing begin.

      Flower x

    • #83498
      Faraway
      Participant

      Hi alwayssorry, I’ve just read your story and it sent chills down my spine as this is the exact situation one of my friends was in last year. She felt all those things you were feeling. (detail removed by moderator). She is so traumatised like you must feel. You have done nothing wrong. You deserved to be lived without other girls involved. You deserve to be yourself and have an opinion. (detail removed by moderator)  These people are sick. By the way you are questioning yourself just shows how far he has tried to put you down and screw with your thinking. Has he done this in other relationships? Is it a pattern for him? I’m happy to chat and help you through as I saw my friend go through this and it really made her question her sanity for a while. It’s completely normal for you to feel this way. Without a doubt this man has traumatised you. Keep posting, you are worth coming through this to the other side. Big hugs xxxxx

    • #83508
      AlwaysSorry
      Participant

      Thank you so much for your replies ladies, it’s such a great help in stopping these disturbing thoughts fromhaving come back.

      I don’t know if this is a pattern for him. If I should believe him, he has only ever had one other girlfriend but the very few things he let slip over the years of why their relationship ended are similar, so I don’t think she got assaulted and if she did, I don’t think as much or as often as me. It sounds like when he started complaining about her seeing her friends and demanded she do chores, she left him when he wasn’t home. There are other things he has told me but his stories were always trying to paint him as a victim and he could never quite remember his stories, for example of when they broke up. He kept changing when that had happened. I have had more relationships than him, some short, some long, some he doesn’t know about as I got tired of him threatening to kill one and preventing me speaking to another. I have had one bad boyfriend other than him before but he enever laid a hand on me and he was only bad in the sense that he couldn’t fully commit to me and cheated on me and had a drug problem as I later found out, but the rest of them it was just a matter of either we were better as friends than lovers or we just didn’t fit so it ended rather quickly without drama. My abusive ex would however ask me about the bad boyfriend and what he had done and then copy that behaviour. Any previous trauma I told him about, he would use against me. In some ways I relived a lot of past traumatic events again through him using it to abuse me, like having been sexually assaulted and told I should be grateful for it. I think in many ways it’s not being assaulted every month, sometimes every week, that hurts the most. It’s not being able to trust or forgive myself. I do know what the truth is, but it’s also very hard to realise that what I thought wwas love really wasn’t. A lazy ‘I love you’ from him and everything was alright again. Perhaps I am not as far along as I wanted to be, perhaps part of me is still waiting on that ‘I love you’ to make it all go away again. But I know it doesn’t matter cause nothing he could do could ever make any of it okay, at this point I don’t even think him admitting to the whole world that he did every despicable thing to me would make anything okay again. Because those despicable things happened.

      Thanks for listening to me and helping me through this x I really do think I thought I was further along in healing than I am x Oh well, a day in bed with The Good Fight it is x

    • #83515
      KIP.
      Participant

      Recovery for me was exactly like the cycle of abuse. I’d feel happy and confident, feeling great, then anxiety and doubt and walking on eggshells and feelings of dread but not quite knowing why. Then I’d hit a huge brick wall and have a mini breakdown. Then slog myself back upto feeling confident again. Round and round this went on until the dread and anxious period got less and less and the confident period got longer and longer. You will get there in the end. You’ve been through terrible trauma and your brain needs to sort it out x be patient and kind to yourself x

    • #83530
      AlwaysSorry
      Participant

      I never thought of it like that but you’re right, it is like a cycle isn’t it. Thanks KIP xx

    • #83542
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      Hi AlwaysSorry I just want to send you lots of hugs and I hope you are never again in your entire life in a position where you are made to apologise for abuse he and his family did put you through.
      You were never ever wrong, not one single time, they should have said sorry to you! You were truly brainwashed by them all.
      I am so sorry they did this to you. It breaks my heart.
      You will recover and come out of it strong and able to enjoy your life as you are meant to. Step by step.
      Sending you big comforting hugs 💞🌸

    • #83552
      blue eyes
      Participant

      Always sorry, That is so weird when you say he used to copy what a previous boyfriend did. I told my second ex that the first one tormented me about my disability and then he started to be the same being horrible, making “jokes”. What is that all about the copying? Its bizarre. Mind you he copied his friends’ hobbies too (detail removed by moderator), it was like there was no other channel, another friend (detail removed by moderator) and he did the same. I have come across this before with abusive “friends” too, its like if you tell them something horrible that was done to you they like the idea of that and they do it too. Now I don’t venture any information about all this to new people. I am very careful about what I say.

    • #83553
      Tiffany
      Participant

      Just a quick thought, because it is late at night. You can’t block all the numbers he might call, or get other people to call on, but you can change your number and only give it to those you trust. I had had the same number for my whole adult life until leaving my abuser, and really resented having to change it, but it was a massive reassurance to know he couldn’t contact me and absolutely worth it. I would definitely recommend it as a route forward. Just make sure if you have WhatsApp, that you delete your account and open a new account with your new number – otherwise all your old contacts get your number! I am not sure if any other apps do this. I transferred all my data manually and set up new accounts for everything with a new email address, just to be sure.

    • #83567
      AlwaysSorry
      Participant

      Thanks so much for responding to me. Everything just seems to trigger me. Even other threads on here it’s so confusing. I just wanted a happy family life and any chance of that feels like it’s slipping away because of him. Brainwashed is the right word for it. I dread going outside. He knows where I live cause it’s on the RO. And I’m so disappointed in myself to admit that the part of me that only saw good wants him to come and make it all ok again. I crave a hug but even if anyone I knew was here to give me one, I’m scared of anyone touching me.

    • #83572
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi, gather all your pillows and cushions around you and hug them all. Any soft toys. Snuggle and hug. It will make you feel better. I know you crave him but that’s the brainwashing. Counselling will help rewire your brain. He would hug you then the abuse would begin all over again. You’re vulnerable and that’s when predators target you. Keep moving forward x write down three positive things every day x train your brain to be positive x

    • #83577
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Dear Alwayssorry

      I know you dont feel it, but it does take strength, huge strength to write your experiences here.

      I am trying to be mindful to not say anything that could trigger you, sadly an abuser does the opposite and will use anything they can, especially anything they already know works.

      This is true of abusers. So asking you about yourself, which comes across as genuine interest in you/your sufferings, is then turned around on you.

      Thats what hes done, not you.

      I am so sorry for your suffering, which i firmly believe you can help yourself with by taking strong control of your own life.

      This means getting yourself another phone number. Then be very careful who you give it to.

      Report the silent breathy call to the police, there wont be anything they can do possibly but it will make them aware of whats going on for you, and it will add to anything else you’ve already possibly reported, or what others have or might do.

      Also, im not sure what RO might mean but you can get your name removed from the electoral roll, or be totally anonymous on it.

      Treat yourself, pamper yourself, which can challenge old beliefs about what you deserve, as well as making you feel good about yourself.

      All really good positive steps.

      Your biggest friend in starting recovery is feeling safe.

      Also, keep posting for support, validation, and getting lots of support in RL.

      Warmest wishes

      TS

    • #83633
      AlwaysSorry
      Participant

      Thanks everyone, it means so much to see your kind messages. I’ve been hugging teddy bears and pillows, watched TV and mindfulness videos on YouTube. I will keep writing down 3 things every day. RO is restraining order, he has to stay away from my person and secondly from my address, so I guess he has to know my address in order to stay away from it. I’d much prefer knowing where he lives so I can stay away from there than the other way around, I wouldn’t want to accidentally move to where he lives one day. I am going to give myself a long weekend of just resting, mindfulness because it does actually calm me and then on Monday I will pick up the fight again and chase up these people I’ve been complaining and reporting to for updates. Maybe that is just postponing things, but I just don’t have it in me right now. And I feel quite guilty for needing the support you ladies so generously have provided me but I haven’t been able to show much support back past few days. Just know I am grateful to everyone of you xx

    • #83637
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Oh bless you love.

      You rest. This is the point isnt it? That you get support, and it doesn’t come with conditions.

      Noone is expecting anything specific off anyone, please take, and feel happy to receive, and resting looking after yourself well till you are ready to get back on your feet.

      Perhaps a new learning to accept whats given, without guilt or need to act in return.

      Enjoy your break and rest well.

      Warmest wishes

      TS

    • #83641
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      On the grounds of protecting yourself it would seem perfectly reasonable for his address to be disclosed.

      How come its not on the RO, thats odd, have you checked it’s not on there?

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