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    • #136896
      Cecile
      Participant

      Living alone since I left and I am a bit isolated tbh not not too bad. I met a warm emotional lovely Man and I know I over attached to him very quickly, it was like water in the desert after (detail removed by moderator) of abuse. I had some psychological help as well for minor mental health problems and recovered very quickly.. or so I thought….
      Due to circumstances I don’t get to meet this man very often and we both have other commitments to family etc that keep interrupting meeting up. When we do meet up it is magnificent, I laugh a lot and he does, all the time, very caring to each other. I cannot get enough of him and his empathy and despair when we have to leave one another. I also suspect I have over-bonded with him due to the decades of abuse.
      To my shame and utter humiliation I have done something awful, not just once but many times. I never remember doing it, it’s a black out. I apparently send him highly verbally abusive texts, mostly nasty. I never remember writing them. Sometimes it’s after drinking a lot. Sometimes just happens. Of course he is now very very upset and is probably going to end it. He keeps asking if I really think the things in the texts and of course I don’t they are terrible, as if written by my ex or as if I am possessed and I just don’t know what to say. I can’t explain it and I don’t know why it happens. It’s usually after not seeing him for a while, or if he can’t speak to me. I do know I experience a lot of longing for him and very high levels of anxiety that spiral out if control, about him. I never ever remember them, or calling him endlessly on his phone at night as also happens. I am so so embarrassed and full of shame and I don’t know how to explain this. It’s not me to do things like this, or be angry, or insulting, and I have no grounds to do it, he is lovely and I have hurt him so so much. I just don’t know what to do.

    • #136905
      gettingtired
      Participant

      Hi Cecile, sorry to hear about your situation.
      I remember having some very strange reactions to my partner leaving when we first got together. I literally fell on the floor and wept when he went home after our first time spent together. Clearly not a normal response and since entering therapy I’ve realised that maybe it’s to do with some kind of insecure attachment style I possibly have from childhood.
      I don’t know if this is anything similar to what you’re describing with regards to feeling like you’ve ‘over-attached’ yourself to this man.
      Are you still in therapy? Do you feel like you’ve given yourself time to heal before entering a new relationship? Do you feel like you have an issue with alcohol? Sorry, you don’t have to answer these questions, I’m just wondering what your current situation looks like and how you’re feeling. Do keep us updated on how you are doing and take care of yourself xx

    • #136907
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Hi Cecile

      I am sorry to hear how you are suffering, and possibly very likely reliving the anxiety of previous abuses in your new relationship.

      What matters is how you act to protect yourself, and this new partner. It seems wise to withdraw yourself from things that cause such intense anxiety, and seek help to support you whilst you come to understand and unravel the complex pains that have come from abuse you have suffered.

      It does sound like a dissociation, which can happen with PTSD, I think it presents differently in different people. Do you think he would understand if you were to explain that what you’re doing is causing you such shame and embarrassment, and more so I would feel scared of doing things I wasn’t aware of.

      Do ask for some help with this, there’s no shame in that, and it matters that you can share this with something that can help you understand and heal, so you don’t bring it to a new relationship. It must be quite scary for the guy to receive such awful messages from you, shocking, and its a lot for someone to understand. I think it would be reasonable for him to feel he was outof his depth with this behaviour, but that doesn’t mean its your fault, its the result of all your experiences. You may find that in working through it consciously, the dissociation stops happening, or you may be given some exercises to practise for when you start to feel that anxiety and spiralling.

      You are very brave to talk about it, and that will help you to come to a place of understanding. Keep talking and I hope you have a sympathetic GP who can find you good professional support and guidance.

      warmest wishes

      ts

    • #136909
      KIP.
      Participant

      Just wanted to share my experience of dating initially. I’d sabotage every single one after the first or second date. I’d make excuses not to see him again because I was way out of my depth. If I got in there first and sabotaged it then I couldn’t get hurt again. May not be the reasons for your behaviour but may have something to do with it deep down. Abuse him and push him away to save hurt.

    • #136911
      Grey Rock
      Participant

      Hiya. You’ve had a lot of great replies already and I haven’t got much to add, but wanted to reach out.
      Have you considered addressing the issue if alcohol at all? It can be a complex area, but when alcohol moves from recreational to a way of dealing with feelings and problems, often it can quickly progress to being the thing that leads to problems and the cause of shame and compounding problems. I was one who lost my integrity due to using alcohol as a crutch and needed to stop drinking as cutting down didn’t appear to be a manageable option for me. Feel free to send me a private message if you like.

      Sending prayers and best wishes for things to get better soon.

      GR x

    • #136938
      Lifebegins
      Participant

      Hi Cecile

      Can I ask, have you seen the texts on your phone that you sent? I wondered as you said that you ‘apparently send him highly verbally abusive texts’ both after drinking and sometimes not after drinking but you don’t remember. Also, have you seen the ‘endless’ calls on your phone?

      Maybe I’m paranoid or highly suspicious but my first thought on reading your post was are you being gaslighted by this new partner? With my ex there was a lot of telling me I’d said/done stuff that I didn’t remember and the reason because I didn’t remember was because it wasn’t true. So your post raised a huge red flag for me.

      Apologies if I’m way off the mark. I thought long and hard before posting as I didn’t want to offend you in any way nor offer the wrong kind of support but then I thought I’d rather raise it with you than not. Just in case.

      X*x

    • #136939
      Lifebegins
      Participant

      Hi Cecile

      Can I ask, have you seen the texts on your phone that you sent? I wondered as you said that you ‘apparently send him highly verbally abusive texts’ both after drinking and sometimes not after drinking but you don’t remember. Also, have you seen the ‘endless’ calls on your phone?

      Maybe I’m paranoid or highly suspicious but my first thought on reading your post was are you being gaslighted by this new partner? With my ex there was a lot of telling me I’d said/done stuff that I didn’t remember and the reason because I didn’t remember was because it wasn’t true. So your post raised a huge red flag for me.

      Apologies if I’m way off the mark. I thought long and hard before posting as I didn’t want to offend you in any way nor offer the wrong kind of support but then I thought I’d rather raise it with you than not. Just in case.

      X*x

    • #136955
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Hi Lifebegins

      You make a really good point. It is weird, and I’m glad you raised it. Where are the texts and the calls?

      Its such a classic abusive tactic to gaslight in this way to make someone feel vile about themselves, and to upset them deeply.

      I suppose I assumed they were there, but yes, it was ‘apparently’ and according to him, and without any recollection whatsoever it could be the most horrific gaslighting.

      I hope you are ok Cecile.

    • #136995
      Cecile
      Participant

      Thanks so much for all the replies they are a balm to my soul. I defnitly sent the texts and calls….the weird thing is that the texts all have perfect spelling and are well written….normally I don’t do that when texting. I feel so so so so bad, in a very very dark place. I do know that I cannot do any therapy that would go back over the abuse, my mind literally switches off when I am asked about it. Like soap slipping from your hands. TBH he is not entirely blameless but again my mind is very selective. I have caught him out a few times with lies, I don’t know why he does it. Also at the beginning told me he was looking for a loving relationship then a month ago announced he just wanted something casual. I didn’t even know there was such a thing. The sensible voice in my head is telling me it’s too stressful, I am still too vulnerable (although I have improved over the last few years). I asked him to let me know if he wanted to end it as I can cope with that no problem but he won’t speak to me although he is reading my (nice) texts. I feel as if my heart and mind are being twisted and twisted.

    • #136997
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      hi Cecile

      I am sorry to hear how horrible all this is for you. I can hear how tough it is trying to have a relationship with him, and you have identified flags for concern, with his lies, and his odd responses to you.

      He sounds out, tbh, and maybe it would be safer for you psychologically to take control by putting an end to it, rather than waiting on him, when clearly he’s taken steps back by stating its casual, when thats something that isn’t in your reality for you. Its so important you have what is right for you.

      Just following on the texts/calls, can you see calls/texts for times that you weren’t with him? Its not beyod the realms of possibility that if you are drinking with him, or even just having a late night coffee, that he could drug you and thats why you don’t recall anything, and he’s got hold of your phone and sent these texts?

      I find it disturbing that the writing doesn’t sound like yours. Does anyone else have access to your phone? It is very easy to clone a phone, like your ex could have say, and realising you are seeing someone, is sending these texts which will look like they have come from you?

      If you can rule that out, as in either your ex or your current relationship wouldn’t have had the opportunity to mess with your phone or you, then its back to wondering about the trauma you have suffered and how that is affecting you.

      I completely relate to that not wanting to talk about it, or not even being able to. Your brain is protecting you. A big part of any support/therapy is trust, and it takes time, especially after our experiences, so there is no harm in getting support in place, which also takes time! and just seeing where it goes, it can be talking on a more surface level, getting help with your daily challenges, or to discuss things further, maybe get referrals, but all on your level, when you’re ready.

      Sending you every strength and warmest wishes

      ts

    • #137006
      Cecile
      Participant

      Thanks TS I know that this is entirely about my brain trying to protect me. During the day when I get very anxious (and that’s horrible like having knives in the head and stomach) I can calm myself using techniques from a psychologist. The thoughts dissipate quickly and I recover quickly. I have worked out, thanks to posting here and being responded to, that when I am drinking the ability to manage the dark and anxious thoughts disappears. That’s the issue so clearly I will have to separate from my beloved (detail removed by moderator). I don’t drink anything else and don’t find it hard not to drink, it’s a habit I used for self medicating when with the monster. I am just as happy writing or reading or doing yoga. I am building a lovely little business doing something I always wanted to do so I am in a good place. I just can’t let this last terrible terrible thing hurt me..or him..any more. What would we do without this support?
      I do need to get a sense of control over this so if he does not respond to me soon to discuss this and help me put the ghosts of the past to sleep, and to understand what happens, then I will just have to end it. It’s too stressful for me, I have lost loads of weight and feel sick in my stomach all the time.

    • #137008
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Hi Cecile

      What a great positive post. Good to hear. You are in control in so many ways, its just him, and taking time over your past traumas. If he lies, already, and you’ve caught him out, will you ever be able to trust him?

      You are suffering as a result of him that you are getting so very anxious and losing weight. It does sound hugely stressful.

      Amazing to hear you have started a business on the back of something you love doing. Go you!

      Also glad to hear you do have psychological support. He, and the past he seem to be the only negatives, with all the good you have going on, your interests, motivations and work all going well.
      warmest wishes ts

    • #137015
      Cecile
      Participant

      Thanks TS that’s just what I needed to hear. He is b****y stressful tbh. I can’t call him, as he doesn’t want his adult children to know he is seeing me. If a friend told me they were in a relationship like this I would tell her she is insane to put up with it. It’s just he has been flooding me with affection and after decades of abuse that is like water in the desert and so addictive. He is like a drug. I feel high, seriously ecstatic, when I am with him and obviously all us abused ladies know that such a feeling not normal in a relationship. When he leaves it’s like being cast out of paradise and tbh he is not that much of a catch on paper. I know rationally I need to back out of it but my heart is galloping away in the distance like a wild horse and won’t obey me. The experience of being loved is so new to me. Or if he doesn’t love me just having his affection and positive regard. To me it feels like love. Oh dear that’s a problem isn’t it. That is an attachment issue on my part, someone mentioned that in a post above.

    • #137027
      Wants To Help
      Participant

      Hi Cecile,

      You have done so well with getting all the support in place etc but I think this man you are seeing is part of the problem that is making you feel the way you are.

      If someone is wanting to keep a relationship ‘hidden’ then they are not ready for a relationship, or there are other reasons why. I would be more understanding if this guy had young children that he didn’t want knowing he was dating, but to not want adult children to know sounds suspicious to me. To date someone who you cannot freely call is a red flag.

      You initially describe him warm, emotional and lovely, but now say he is ignoring your texts, want to keep you secret from his adult children. I think you know what is happening here but you really don’t want to believe you have found another person who is messing you around. Please believe in yourself and trust yourself here.

      The calls and texts you are making and have no knowledge of are very odd, especially if the spelling and wording is not something you would normally use. (Detail removed by moderator). Can you get the dates and times of the messages and calls and write them down, look at your calendar or diary and think back to what you had been doing that day? It might even be worth buying some internal cameras to put up in your bedroom/lounge to monitor your movements at night so that you can confirm this for sure one way or another. If you have evidence you are doing things at night that you have no memory of then it can help with some medical guidance. I would personally want some more proof that it was indeed me doing this stuff than taking someone’s word for it whose intentions may not be in my best interests. This sort of gaslighting would be incredibly sophisticated and evil, but not unheard of. (Detail removed by moderator).

      xx

    • #137031
      Cecile
      Participant

      Yes you are right.I don’t want to believe that could be manipulative. The only things I know about him are what he has told me. Even during the last conversation he ended it abruptly because his child entered the room( Lisa pls don’t redact that is a disguised fact but reflects the occurrence). He said he would call me later that evening and hasn’t and days have gone by.

      Not having memories of actions is a symptom of trauma and I worked with people in the past who experienced this albeit in many varied ways. It’s also a symptom of extreme stress.

      Oh this is a mess that I should never have begun.everything was ticking over.

    • #137034
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Hi Cecile

      It may feel a terrible mess, but its so very easily stopped, walk away, leave him well behind. The more you say the worse he seems. (Detail removed by moderator).

      It may help immensely with that once you leave him behind, if you can manage that? Get back to the ticking over, which sounds like more than ticking over with you setting up a new venture and so on. Sounds engaging and plenty, just a much lower level of intensity than this relationship, if it can be called that, perhaps not. x

    • #137044
      Cecile
      Participant

      Good advice and thanks. I feel I have been manoeuvred into a type of relationship where I am at his disposal but not vice versa. It’s not nice and I would never have envisioned being in one like this. I am clearly still v. Vulnerable post abuse….. has he taken advantage of me? Without too much detail I have apologised profusely, explained why the behaviours were not intentional and why, and that I am in distress, profound anxiety, and need closure. He hasn’t gotten back to me. That’s not very mature is it? There is a thing of male entitlement with him although he would deny it. He has also come out with bigoted remarks that I found shocking in this day and age….I need a good wake up call I think.

      • #137046
        gettingtired
        Participant

        It really does sound more ‘red flaggy’ the more you write about him. I know we can’t tell anyone what to do here but in the nicest way possible I think you’d be saving yourself a lot of hurt to end things as this man sounds flakey to me.
        It’s great you’ve already mentioned that you enjoy reading, writing, doing yoga and are starting up your own business (amazing) so perhaps you could immerse yourself into more of this and just focus all of your energy on yourself and spending time with any non-toxic friends or family members who bring you joy x

    • #137048
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi Cecile

      How do you know that you sent the texts and made the calls if you can’t remember them? Are the calls answered and a conversation ensues or can you just see a record of the outgoing calls?

      The first thing that sprang to mind was that you’re phone may have been hacked. Would anyone you know hack your phone and send the texts – perhaps your ex?

      I asked someone who works in mental health. She asked if other things are happening that you can’t recall such as buying something and having no memory of it?

    • #137050
      Cecile
      Participant

      Wow it feels so good to be listened to. Just realised he also tends to slide over anything I say that has an emotive or meaningful context and reverts to funny banter that is hilarious but leaves me feeling hurt. He has also been derisive about my experience of having been abused, he made sarcastic jokes.

      I see a record of the texts and calls. Tbh I don’t think my phone has been hacked. They’re from me. If I received the texts I would probably think they were from a rabid fourteen year old … just adolescent stuff. Just wondering if one of them hit a nerve with him….

      I have no other experience of “blacking out”.

      I keep a journal and see that when phoned me and agreed a date, I fell asleep afterwards and woke up screaming for help when I had a nightmare about him. I put it down to my damaged state post abuse but am now wondering if my Mr Brain warning me again about this man.

    • #137100
      Cecile
      Participant

      Oh no no no,I just looked at a text from a friend and saw I had sent him more texts last night and have no memory whatsoever of this. I remember deleting his number and details to prevent me doing this. It’s too bizarre. I have completely rid the phone of his contact details so it will never happen again. TBH it was not an abusive text but looking for attention but I am so,so so embarrassed. This will stay in my head forever. I do think though that something in my head is warning me about this guy, sabotaging it. Well it sure is over now…..

    • #137104
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi Cecile,

      I really feel for you. This whole thing must feel so unsettling for you.

      I’ve just Googled “Sleep texting”. This is a known phenomena but there’s no research into it so the causes are unknown.

      However, if you deleted his details and texts were still being sent, I’d be very suspicious.

      Either way, I think something inside you is telling you that this relationship is not right for you and honestly, I’d say listen to that instinct.

    • #137109
      Cecile
      Participant

      No I deleted his details after texting as I remember doing that. I can only hope that this crazy unbelievable issue has a purpose in the long run. I hate hurting people. My heart is breaking.

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