Is this PTSD – going blank every night. Help.

[iliketea]

Hi,i’ve posted before. I’m in an abusive (emotional/psychological/verbal abuse) situation with the father of my children. I cant bring myself to even say “partner” anymore or “in a relationship” as he isn’t and it’s not. Well not a healthy one anyway. We live together. Since lockdown, inevitably, like everyone else, he’s got much much worse. He was furloughed last week so now he’s doing nothing and being nasty. At least he was working before. He doesn’t help with kids and I’m feeling like a domestic slave, trapped, cant see anyone else, I’m lost, lonely and feeling panicked, even my friends have been absent in contacting, I’ve only spoken to two (one conversation each today) in 3 weeks and one of them got awkward and rang off half way through me saying how bad it was. I have an IDVA but she says she can only text and email as its not safe for me to talk if he’s here.

I was going out for exercise early morning but hes stopped me doing that two days now saying he’s staying in bed and I cant leave kids alone.

I was planning on ending it before lockdown, Easter was the plan. I’m trying to use this time positively by getting all the evidence documented, some was just recordings and they want it transcribed, and all the recent things going on. But when I go to sit down at night, I’m completely blank about anything that he has said and done during the day, I am exhausted, I’m doing 18 hours days most days as he’s not doing anything in the house. But it feels more than that. Is this PTSD? What can I do about it? How can I recall what happens? His behaviour is getting worse (if I ask for help he tells me to f**k off in front of the children) but when my friend asked how I couldn’t answer properly and what I said sounded wet and not important. Like he sent a message to (detail removed by moderator) saying the biggest challenge of lockdown was my cooking!!!! For some reason I was really insulted and it has really got to me. She laughed and made a joke about me too. It felt so intrusive, and also because he was being rude about me to an outside person it made it all a lot clearer, like I wasn’t making it all up, like it wasn’t in my head, I wasn’t mad and crazy – which sometimes I wonder because all the things he says I do – he’s been calling me an abuser for a while now.

Don’t know what to do, feeling so helpless with lockdown. Everything has changed, I dont know if I can get away. I want to protect my children, I won’t be able to get a job before childcare starts again so I wont be able to end it. Its a nightmare. trapped. I went to call 101 today but then chickened out. I dont want them to come round and interview him and then he knows and takes it out on me. Sorry, splurge, Im crying most days now, woke up panicking in the middle of the night. First two weeks I was coping with it and him, all of a sudden I cant imagine doing this in lockdown for another TEN WEEKS!!

[Iwantmeback]

Hello, this is the hell of forced living, using this virus against us by those we can’t stand being with and around. Not remembering what he’s said and done is normal, you are living in a war zone, you are naturally protecting yourself from the worst of his behaviour by not remembering. If its safe to do so record him on your phone, but only if it’s safe. I managed to do this on a few occasions with my ex leading up to me leaving him. Thing is I could listen to the recordings while I was still with him, gave me the resolve to go through with it I suppose. Since leaving I’ve not managed, can’t face the horror and how wicked he was to me. But I’ve also kept those recordings just in case. The only tips I can give, to be able to function while still living there, Is become as invisible as you can,practice grey rock method. Reach out to your local WA, let them know what is going on. You’re doing great, keep doing the practical, but only if it’s safe. This is only a moment in time, it will get better.it takes more courage to stay in the warzone, we think we’re weak because we stay.but believe me, you are getting stronger every day, because you are seeing him fir what he is. Keep posting, it’ll be what helps you get away and keep away from him.
Much love and strength
IWMB

[iliketea]

Thank you, it is that isn’t it, its living in a warzone. I got that book called the Choice about the woman who was in a prisoner of war camp – its like that, I haven’t got into it yet, but I thought it might help. The constantly changing goal posts, the meanness, the accusations, out of the blue, and being trapped and trying to care for loved ones and shielding them from it. I stupidly posted on Mumsnet and got a load of abuse for not leaving now, right now, with my children. It really upset me because I really want to but right now, in this lockdown I just can’t see its the best thing for my children, or me, to take them out into the unknown. I have no family so we’d be completely isolated, they wouldn’t have their toys or familiar surroundings, we might not be allowed outside, it scares me. With everything that is going on I just can’t see that is right for children. Obviously if it got really bad, then yes I would but for now this is the reality we’re in. I’m trying to function as best I can. Thanks so much for your kind support. The solicitor is having time off as she’s had a bereavement so I can’t speak to her. I don’t know how to transcribe the evidence, it goes back a year a half when I started documenting it, and recording it. I don’t know if I do it all? Have you done it. And how do you do it? Write out every conversation. He said, I said? I going to start a new thread and see if anyone can help with it. Thank you. xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi just replied on your other thread. Stay with it. Do what’s right fir you and know the government are advertising that help is still ongoing even in these uncertain times.xx

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