Is this real

[Marionette]

Surely this can’t be fair in today’s world. I don’t know if this is abuse but I always thought you shouldn’t do to others what you wouldn’t want done to you. So this is all I deserve. All my own doing for being such a bad person.

[Marionette]

I’m new to this site and just been on here is is very daunting and scary as I’m not good at talking about me and how things are for me every day. I just avoid looking at the reality of what’s going on as it’s just how things are and you have got to get on with the hand your delta in life. But every now and then a little flicker of light out there tells me maybe I could have some of the moments in life other normal people do. But then I have to push that thought to one side and put my head back in the sand and be able to block it out so as to get through another day.

[Marionette]

But I need to off load somewhere so I’ve ended up finding myself here talking about my life. I don’t want to be judged or sound like I’m doing an “oh poor me” feel sorry for myself. I need to feel I have some respect left. I know I’m such a waste of space. Pathetic really as I here myself now. I don’t think I’m stupid, just weak as I avoid it as I don’t see how things will ever change for me. Suppose we all have a place in life, in the world; and this just happens to be mine so I accept it on the main. Except every now and then I come to thinking “is this really all there is? The best it gets”, but then I might Get a bit of kindness and remind myself to be grateful and so on it goes. I’ve been married many many years now. 3 children who are now all about grown.

[Marionette]

I’ve just found your on line question about if it is abuse. My results say what append to me should be classed as domestic abuse. Is that reinforce able thought or just opinion here? I don’t think everyone sees it like that. I now I haven’t said in detail what my life is like but really “tittle tattle who cares” I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and try harder to be a better person and not such a disappointment and waste of space

[cupofcoffee]

Hi Marionette, I just wanted to say that if you feel that something isn’t right and your life is miserable, then it isn’t worth staying with an awful situation, especially if this has been going on for years. Life is so much easier and clearer when you leave.

My moment of clarity was thinking “is this going to get better? Will I still be dealing with this and having the same arguments in the next 10 or 20 years? How is this affecting my kids?” then I realised that I could not stand it anymore.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Marionette,

You are not a waste of space, or a disappointment, you are a human being with the same rights as everyone else and deserve a life free of abuse. It sounds like you are being very hard on yourself. I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling low. The little voice in your head whispering and hoping for a better life, listen to it. It’s your intuition and it’s right. Nobody here will judge you, please do share what you feel comfortable sharing, people are very supportive here and understand what it’s like.

Sunshine x

[Marionette]

Hi sunshine
You know when you say listen to the little voice in your head; my intuition! That voice is so frail and faint. That voice of mine has been all but eroded by the bigger, louder repeated reminder that I’m worthless, nobody gives a s… about me. The voice that regularly reminds me that I’m going to die a lonely old woman. That I have no friends, that people only use me for what I might be able to do for them and that I’m an idiot that I don’t see that. That voice is my husband. My long suffering husband who reminds me that no one else would put up with it all. If that voice is the voice you hear it does become true. It must be and so my little voice in my head is fainter with time and so I get it I have to accept the hand your delta in life. What else is there. Hes right I don’t have any friends. I don’t do things like other people might do like go round their houses or socialise with anyone. So where would I go. What would life be like? Better the devil you know some might say. Hes right I would just be a lonely old woman with nothing. At least I have a house to live in. It’s not a home though. I just wish I could have a purpose in life and be able to feel free to smile

[Marionette]

Wow I have just seen I have 2 responses to my thoughts and feelings. I’m holding back tears can’t believe it. Just to know I’ve been able to start to say out loud and know someone has heard and cares enough to take time to reply. Thank you so much for showing that I’m not totally alone.

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Marionette, you sound as though your self-esteem has been so worn down by years of emotional abuse. I’m sure if you think about those words you use to describe yourself you will find they are in fact your husband’s words. They are unkind and untrue. They are designed to keep you where he wants you. You have every right to leave any relationship and you certainly have the right to live without abuse and insults. I was with my abusive ex-husband over (detail removed by Moderator) and I still haven’t quite erased all his messages from my mind. Pretty much the exact same messages your husband tells you. I’m still rebuilding slowly but surely but definitely no regrets. Living in a peaceful home, feeling safe, gradually making friendships and learning who I really am is fabulous xx

[Marionette]

Hi peaceful pig
I’ve been in this relationship over (detail removed by Moderator) now and I have nowhere else to go. I feel my life is passing me by and those things I always thought would come my way are only for fairytale. I see people walking by chatting, smiling, the looks on faces, love in their eyes and how I’d like to have that a little. I have conversations with myself as it’s best not to engage in trivialities because I never know where it will lead. Normal people may be able to talk about their day. What happened, where they’ve been etc. More and more I’ve learnt over time (the hard way) the consequences for asking such questions. It’s only chat after all. But it’s non of my business and he doesn’t have to answer to me and explain his every move. But I wouldn’t be expecting him to. Just making conversation like I would have done with a work colleague when I was working and first saw them after a long weekend say! But any other man wouldn’t put up with all that and after all I don’t own him. He says his mates tell him. They can’t believe that he has to put up with all he does from me and they wouldn’t stand for it from their wives. I must be different to other wives then because I would like to have had a life where we talked to each other and shared each others trivialities, thoughts and feelings and boring stuff. Otherwise what’s the point. He says so many things that remind me how very much alone I am. But I never wanted anything more than to be apart of each others life. How silly and romantic that sounds. He says I need to grow up and shouts and shares at me that I need to pay more attention to him and what’s going on in this house?

[Marionette]

Hi cupofcoffee
Thank you for your reply. It is so good to know there are others out there who I can connect to and know how I feel. I have been in this situation for so long now I barely know who I really am any more. I have learnt to cope by blocking everything out so as to try and put up a wall of defence from all the things he says and calls me. It’s to no advantage for me if I reply in my defence because as soon as I try to stick up for myself or challenge what he’s shouting and saying I just get the verbal battering all the more hurtful and threatening. He swears abuse at me for hours and hours non stop and it is very hard for me to hold my tongue and not say anything in return when you are been verbally destroyed for so long non stop. He will follow me from room to room so there is no escape. I can’t get out of the house because he will delight in taking his abuse outside after me for all to hear and will block me from leaving. I have called for “HELP” and he broke phone. Once I did get “help” but they weren’t much help. He was very nice to them and they said that they couldn’t see any wrong had been subjected just someone who was unhappy in relationship. I’ve never heard the last of that since as all he does now is use that against me. He laughs and says how I get all I deserve and how everyone else agrees with him and it’s my fault that I have done something or other making him unhappy and no one else would put up with what he has to with me. I try so hard to not say anything now but if he’s in a mood for having a go he will then try to make like his been nice. May ask if I would like a cup of tea for example and then if I reply yes please I immediately find big mistake I fell for it. I’ve opened the chain of abuse by letting him in. Full throttle his abuse escalates from there and can last for hours.
So how do I break this chain of events?

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Marionette,

I’m so sorry to hear of the way your husband is treating you. It sounds extremely emotionally abusive, and following you around, blocking you and breaking your phone I believe would be classed as physical abuse.

Like Peaceful pig says, it sounds like you have been worn down for so long by his abuse that his messages have got internalised in your head, like you say his voice is now louder in your head than your own. We all also have our own inner critic that tends to shout loud mean things to us, especially if we have experienced abuse, I can relate to that mean inner voice very much and I have to keep mindful of it each day, and challenge it as it’s simply not true. The intuitive, kind voice that comes deep from within – that speaks the truth.

Have you rung the helpline to have a chat about what has been happening? Please know that your husband is treating you unkindly and abusively and that you deserve much, much more than this. It sounds like he has created a sort of emotional prison for you in your home. Sending you a big hug. Lots of us have escaped these men and gone onto live much better, more peaceful, happier lives. No wonder you are isolated with little support, he has probably made it virtually impossible for you to socialise, very typical abuser behaviour. It’s also very typical abuser behaviour to put you down and tell you that ‘you can’t live without them, nobody will want you etc etc.’ My ex mocked me, teased me, laughed at me and hurt my self esteem a lot. When I met him I felt happy, attractive, positive, slim and he was initially very charming and seemed wonderful before the abuse crept in. By the time I left, despite being underweight due to stress, I felt fat, old, ugly and a failure due to him eroding my self esteem with his abuse.

Don’t underestimate the damage these men do. Please keep posting and contact the helpline. They were wonderful when I rang them and guided me through leaving my ex safely (if you decide you are going to leave, just make sure you don’t tell him for safety). xx

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