is this sexual abuse?

[Whathaveidone]

My partner makes me sleep with no clothes on when I’m with him. He has told me in the past that he sometimes masterbates while looking at my private area whilst I’m alseep. He said he just looks at my private area too when I’m sleeping too. Is this normal? I just find it really creepy and odd. I would rather he didn’t but I’m not consciously aware when he does it as I’m sleeping. I don’t even know he really does that but do believe he does because I think he is pervy.

[KIP.]

If you are doing anything that makes you feel uncomfortable it’s not right. Many people have unusual sexual habits and if both parties are one hundred percent consenting and obviously it’s not illegal then I would say that’s fine. However what he is doing is creeping you out (it would creep me out too). I stopped sleeping naked years ago with my ex abuser. It worries me what else he is doing while you are sleeping or what he will do in future. Try telling him it’s not acceptable, see what his reaction is. He should respect you enough to stop it. You admit that you think he’s pervy. Red flag? Alarm bells ringing?

[Whathaveidone]

Definitely alarm bells rings – more like sirens going off in my head recently. I’m just thinking back at all of our sexual activvities and most of the time, I just give in because I don’t want the headache of a rant, or the guilt he makes me feels which reduces me to tears. If I ever say no, it’s jst a waiting game until he gets it but most of the timeI’ll get relentless lecture on his feelings, his needs, his sexual health how a lack of it will break down the relationaship. He’ll get into such a mood I feel really scared and intimidated by it. it’s so much easier if i just give in and pretend he’s someone else just get me through it. I never iniate sex , I just can’t bring myself to doing it.

But it’s not like all the time, sometimes I do conset and sometimes I do enjoy it but only sometimes. Re the sleep thing – I’ll try and mention it to him but I just know he’ll go off on one. It’s just such a strange situation…

[KIP.]

It’s not strange it’s dysfunctional and it’s abuse. No amount of talking to him will change things. It will just be more mind games. There is another thread ‘pester sex’ on here with some good input. What you’ve told me is just what my ex was like. They never change. It will only get worse. I used to have good consensual sex, to be blunt it was very good. He tried so hard to please me but that was not the real him, that was just to keep me hooked in to the nightmare. Never forget you have a choice. You do not have to live like that❤️

[Whathaveidone]

Thanks Kip. Just had a read through all of the posts on the ‘pester sex’ thread. Just trying to process everthing, my mind feels a mess but also clearer than its ever been (if that even makes sense). I’ll be doing alot of reading around all of this. Thanks for supporting and listening to me.

[KIP.]

Have a lovely lovely day and dont forget life is for enjoying and being happy❤️

[mixed-up mum]

Hi What Have I done – this brings back memories of living with him – how it used to be.
It’s the power and control thing here – if YOU don’t want to sleep naked then he has NO RIGHT to MAKE you sleep naked.
If he loved you and cared about you then he wouldn’t force you to do ANYTHING you dont want to do, or anything you are uncomfortable doing.

I too would find it very creepy to wake up and see him mastribating while staring at my naked body, surely ANY sexual act should be enjoyed by BOTH of you otherwise, its a bit controlling.

Mine would go to bed early and I’d wait up ’til I was sure he was aleep, but he’d have the TV on low, and watching porn – so right away I knew what would happen, I’d be kept up all night until I gave in and let him do what he wanted. I’d be forced to watch porn with him and then had to give him what he wanted.

Any time he’s making you give him sex ( by whatever means) then that is abuse – if you do not fully consent to everything he wants you to do – then he is taking power and control over you – which is NOT acceptable.

Full well I remember to moods and the sulks if I did not give in to him the first night, or the second night, by the third or fourth night of keeping me up all night I just ‘let’ him do what he wanted – now tell me if that’s a loving, caring husband??????? I don’t think so!!!!!

If he refused to let you sleep with something on clothes wise – then that is not fair on you, there are plenty options, shorts and vest set, pyjamas, nightshirt etc – you sleep in what YOU feel comfortable in.

Kepp posting – we’re here for you.

Take care.

x*x

[Whathaveidone]

Hi mixed-up mum. Thanks so much for reading and replying to me. I can relate to every word you’ve just written especially the “moods and the sulks if I did not give in to him the first night, or the second night, by the third or fourth night of keeping me up all night I just ‘let’ him do what he wanted”. That’s exactly what I go through if I tell him I’m tired or not well. If I’m not in the mood he’ll convince me that once we start “I’ll get into the mood, enjoy it and you’ll feel so relaxed afterwards” – but I don’t. Most of the time I pretend just to get it over with and feel terrible and exhausted after.

Anything I wear, whether that be pyjamas, shorts, a vest (or both) or even just underwear he objects to it all – except when I’m on my period. But even recently he’s started pestering me for sex even when I’m on my period. I’ve objected quite sternly on that – I just feel too uncomfortable with it. But unfortunately on 2 occassions I’ve given in because of the harrassment I get from him. Whenever I’m on my period I have to exaggerate the stomach cramps I’m getting (even when I don’t get any) just to put him off.

I’ve put in a routine of me loading the dishwasher before we go to bed so he’s sleeping before I get into bed but he often stays up late every night watching movies or surfing the net so instead I try get to sleep way before he does just so I can have peace.

One time when I told him I didnt want to because I was tired and my body ached (we literally had done it everyday that week until that day) he said “so what do you want, for us to to do it once week or something?” and I just didn’t say anything because I was shocked by the fact that he thought having sex once a week would be like the equivalent of depriving him for for years!

More recently though, he has slowed down and almost stopped sometimes with the pestering – I’m not sure if it’s because he’s read something somewhere and is aware that what he’s doing is actually sexual harrassment and rape but he’s still so coersive, controlling, sometimes misogynist in his views and manipulative in other very, very suble ways. Oh and mega paranoid too which really irritates me. I’m not allowed to wear short dresses without trousers/shorts in our own home because “people might see me through the window?” – nobody can see me – the view from our window is literally just trees and plant from other people’s gardens. He’s not even that religious (more atheist type – removed by moderator) so I can’t blame his need for controlling everying I wear to a religion or anything like that. I thought he was just a very picky, fussy person at first but I’m starting to see just how controlling he is.

Thanks for listening to me.
Hugs
Whathaveidone

[Ayanna]

A familiar story, … sadly. These abusers are all so similar.
From what you have reported so far he is a sexual predator. My ex abuser was horrible like this as well and even worse. He injured me for life. He started with these coercive and intrusive things, not respecting my boundaries and it became increasingly violent and very painful. He did not care when I screamed with pain, that would turn him on and he turned up the noise of the porn movies. I could not shake him off because he was too strong for me. Get out before this happens to you too. My body is damaged for life and I never had help.

[Whathaveidone]

I’m so sorry to hear what he did to you Ayanna. These men are so sick and twisted with such a lack of morals or ethics. I think mine is testing the boundries because he knows if he does does something drastic, I’m most likely to be upset and seek help which he doesn’t want.

[mixed-up mum]

Sorry only getting back to you now, been working.

It’s really good that we can all support one another, and share our experiences, and give advice.

As for the men – they don’t see you are tired, ill or in pain – if they want sex they expect to get it – and they do take advantage of the fact you may be are feeling down, and the exploit the fact your resistance is low – and they pile on the pressure with the ‘poor me’ attitude -ie if you loved me you would…..

The thing is, him deciding what you can wear in bed is purely for his own enjoyment and entertainment – if I can ‘let’ you wear clothes when you have your period, then he can let you do it all month.
My period used to be the only time I was ‘safe’ – but to end up with he didn’t care – he’d even try his luck then!!!

This is it totally – with them it has to be if and when THEY want it – and your feelings don’t come into it – as you say OK so he wasn’t ‘getting it’ as often as HE would have liked – but on the other hand it wasn’t as if it was down to once or twice a year!!!!

No I don’t believe he actually knows, or thinks what he is doing IS sexual abuse.

And as for telling you what you can and can’t wear – nobody has the right to dictate to anybody else what they can/can’t wear – you are just starting to see all this now – adding it all up, and now you can see how he DOES sexually abuse you – and how he controlls almost every aspect of your life…..

Got to go now, but do please chat again anytime you need to.

🙂 x*x. 🙂

[Whathaveidone]

Thanks mixed-up mum. no need to apologise, I only get to type when he’s out for a bit or not around me.

I think he doesn’t want me to wear anything because it makes me vulnerable and it makes me feel vulnerable aswell. It allows him to have easy access to any part of my body. Now that I’ve become aware of what he really is, I’m finding it difficult to look him in the eye and speak to him, to laugh at his ‘jokes’ and weird sense of humor and to be intimate.Almost everything he says irritates me.

It’s been really helpful to express what’s happening to me with other people because I have NOONE to talk to. Thank you for the support.

[mixed-up mum]

Hi again – yes I know just what you mean – I’m incredibly self-conscious of my body, as I’m a ‘big girl’ and I never liked him seeing me naked – and I too felt very vulnerable.

When you feel vulnerable, you are weaker and less able to ‘fend him off’ and this is how he likes it to be…..

And as you say it gives him instant access to any part of your body he wants…it is creepy……

But he needs to have power and control at all times….

And you are right nobody understands unless they have been there too…..

x*x

[Whathaveidone]

Mixed-up mum, I’ve had a terrible night/morning. I can’t stop crying. He’s just given me an 8 hour berating / critising about how I don’t initiate sex, how I don’t love him the usual all because I said I didnt want him to give me oral sex. he was dropping hints over the past xdays but he was doing in such a jokey way I just laughed it off but then in the evening he asked me if I was going to have a shower and I said no, then he asked can we do it and I said no. Then he asked just a bit and I reluctantly shook my head and said well I can have a shower because I could sense he was getting upset. Then he went off on one.

This time it was so bad because all I could think about was how what he was doing was abusing me. So kept challenging him whilstcrying and reminding myself that he’s going to catch on if I keep challenging him. But when I say challenge, I only stepped in and said things like “I am trying”. It was so horrendous, he started getting aggressive in his tone in the middle of the night to the extent that I was sobbing and pleading him to stop and repeatedly saying that I was sorry.

But he wouldn’t stop. He would keep going on about how its a necessity to have sex and that the human body needs it even if I don’t feel like it. He was basically saying that I had psychological issues that was preventing me from wanting to have sex because “physiologically” my body responds in a possitive way (meaning non consentual sex is ok because your body doesnt resist).

It’s all such a blur now because my mind wants to blank it out and I feel so tired. After he finally stopped and apologised for getting angry, we went to sleep at about 3am in the morning. Five hours later at about 8am, he woke me up and asked me can we sex? I wasn’t exactly in the position to say no after the mental battering that I had just endured only a few hours ago so I just lay there and let him. I felt so unhappy and just couldnt wait until he had finished. Afterwards he continued talking about the previous night, still justifying his behaviour and things that he said because I had told him I thought I was scared of him and broke down during the one sided arguement we had the previous night.

I will post what happened but I’m just feeling so tired, helpless and down at the moment.

[mixed-up mum]

Hiya – oh my heart is breaking for you reading what you have written – I know how you feel and everything you are going there for I have been through it all to and I have felt just how you are very now – I vouy cry for your pain – I feel it so much – wish I could reach out and give to a big cuddle to comfort you…..

Yes, yes, the usual story, you never initiate sex, if you loved me you would….. Etc etc….
Oh I well remember how he would make a ‘joke’ of it all, asking if we were having sex tonight – his favourite one was, if I’d asked him for some money he would come in the door from work, take out his wallet, and thow the money on the worktop and say “what do I get for that” -ie I have given you some money, now the least you can do is give me sex – that was honestly how his mind worked……
Ofent he would just say – we having nooky tonight??

It would go on all night with us too, I’d get out of bed (before I fell out) I always lay with my back to him so I wasn’t made to ‘cuddle in’ to him – but then he’d come on to me from behind – groping and molesting me all night – and he got closer I’d move further and further away, from him, ’til I was literally hanging over the edge of the bed, when I could take no more I’d get up and go through to the sittingroom – and he’d follow me – promise to leave me alone and let me sleep – but we’d go back to bed and minutes later, it started all over again…..

Then the discussion would start as to how he feels so rejected, and how he may as well leave ( this was only ever a threat to frighten me) I knew he’d never leave the house to me and the kids.

I’d get the sob story, about how he couldn’t help it, men were just made differently, and men NEED sex…..

It’s the sheer exhaustion that makes your mind fuzzy, and you think did he really do that/say that…..

And yes I too have had him keep me up most of the night, let me sleeping for an hour or so, then wake me and try again…… By this time you are so worn out and your resistance is so low you no longer have the energy to fight him off, and so you just lie there and ‘let’ him do what he wants…..this just robs you of every last ounce of self-respect you ever had – you feel so dirty…..
He destroys your soul, robs you of everything…..

Sorry got to go now …..but I’m here for you…..keep talking when you feel up to it.

Take care.

x*x

[Whathaveidone]

sending hugs back. Oh goodness, he’s done practically everything you’ve mentioned. I need to get my thoughts together as I’m still so exhausted and feeling low but thanks so much for replying.

[Serenity]

At the very least, this shows a complete disregard for your rights, boundaries and privacy, as well as choice. You were asleep, so weren’t able to make a decision about whether you liked/ wanted it or not. It is creepy.

These abusers don’t see that we have rights or choices. We are just seen as extensions of them, meant to agree to everything and to fulfil their every need, even if it means we end up feeling violated.

[Whathaveidone]

Serenity he even believes that non consensual sex is fine because my body doesn’t resist so therefore I ‘enjoy’ it. I apparently according to him have a pschological problem because I don’t want sex. All his exes wanted sex so my behaviour isn’t normal. Sex is like eating – our body needs it…men need it or it starts hurting etc.

He claims to love me, ‘worship the ground I walk on’. He’s even said that he lives to serve me and makes me feel guilty about not ‘giving it’ to him. He says all he wants to do is please me yet why can’t he listen to me when I say I don’t want it?

He says he feels rejected and I try to explain loving making isn’t the definition of love and we don’t always have to have sex just to show each other how much we love each other. But he disagrees. To him sex is the ultimate form of expression of love. In a gueniune loving relationship – maybe but not ours. He’s selfish and just wants to satisfy his own needs.

He doesn’t want anyone to know of oour relationship. It’s like he’s ashamed but so he should be. A relationship where I can’t even walk hand-in-hand with him freely in public or talk about my relationship with ANYONE is no normal relationship. He knows he coerced me and in fact I was underage when we had our first sexual encounter (not intercourse, but it was still sexual).

[Author]

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