Is this still abuse ?

[Myname]

Is this abusive ? (I know the first part is) Il try keep it short because there is so much to this
Been together nearly (removed by moderator) years, he was very overly inlove when we first got together, this quickly got bad, he smokes weed a lot, he use to hit me, push, choke me etc, he use to tell me he would kill hisself, I found out I was pregnant I had an abortion I couldn’t bring a baby into this, I use to pay for his weed too and it was easier than dealing with moods etc , the mornings are always the worst, if we didn’t have sex it was bad, he use to say you killed my baby etc , just being horrible, he never trusted me, he didn’t like me going out with my friends , he would question what I was doing on my phone etc, I made a mistake and was talking to a boy (removed by moderator) while we were together It felt nice to be spoken to nicely , enjoyed it and was happy, he found out I stopped never did this again, this calmed down physically, he was just always moody if he didn’t have a smoke he would tell me we are over, tell me he was leaving saying I didn’t care, call me names shouts at me etc, he would apologise cry but that’s only because he has his smoke, he says he’s depressed and that’s how he’s like this , I now have a son with his I fell pregnant on the pill, he’s nearly (removed  by moderator) he does nothing, I work look after him make dinner ,dishes, washing etc , he smokes works and plays the ps, he still doesn’t like me going out, the fall out we have if I go out is terrible , he goes you can never say no, you can’t do that for me, I literally go out once in a blue moon and it’s my only break, we have nights together but most nights my sons sleeping he’s on the ps, I don’t even want to have sex , I do care about him, I just can’t live like this, when my phone goes I don’t know if he’s happy or moody, if he’s moody it’s I don’t care about him, he shouts , I tell him il speak when he’s calmed down and away from our son, he calls me names, he says he’s away and won’t be back, he punches things in the house, o feel iv got such bad anxiety because I try do everything I can to not annoy him, I feel I’m walking on egg shells, he spends every penny on weed , iv asked him about stopping or seeing a. Doctor but nothing, how would I be able to leave him? Iv asked him many times to go and he says no he’s not going anywhere, it’s far to much to write but I just don’t know what todo , I feel l have no one to talk to , my friends hardly speak to me, I just feel alone

[Lisa]

Hi Myname,

First, welcome to the forum, I hope you find this a safe and supportive place to be. I’m sure you will soon learn that you are not alone in your experience, and that many women here will be able to relate to what you are going through.

What you are experiencing in your relationship, is most definitely domestic abuse. You have given many examples of his emotional/psychological manipulation, neglect, his physical violence and rage, and control. The physical abuse may no longer occur, as you say, but no doubt, it has left you dealing with the trauma of it and it contributes to your sense of safety in the home when he is around now, feeling your ‘walking on egg shells’.

It’s understandable you are now feeling very anxious and isolated. Please know that being on here is certainly a good step in the right direction to begin to feel supported and less alone. There are specialist services too, that you can engage in whenever you are ready, that can go over all your options so you can get clarity on what you can do.

Engaging with your local domestic abuse service and talking all this through is always a good next step. They can offer both emotional and practical help and advice. They can also help you make a safety plan to leave the relationship with your child if that is what you decide. This is a free service as well, so use them on-going as you need.

If you ever feel you need to leave the property to be safe with your child and have nowhere else to go, there are refuges/safe houses across the UK. Your local domestic abuse service can talk this all through with you too. If refuge isn’t suitable for you, your domestic abuse support worker can advocate to housing on your behalf. They can also explore helping you remove him safely from the household if this is what you prefer. Perhaps reading through the Survivor’s Handbook on the Woman’s Aid website can also help explain these options.

The important thing to take from this is to know you have options and there is help. Your partner’s abusive behaviour is unacceptable and you have every right to explore all options to ensure you and your child’s safety and well-being. Do keep posting here to get insight and validation as you navigate your way through this.

Take care,

Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

Hello and welcome Myname

What you say sounds the same as we would all want, we just want it to stop. We have all wished for this, and to be able to believe what they say when/if they are actually sorry to reel you back in again, sadly it never does stop.

I am so sorry you feel alone in this. It is a horribly isolating experience for anyone caught in it, including the children, who won’t want to bring friends home to witness their violent/aggressive father, if indeed they are allowed to do this. I used to want to stay out as long as possible with the children until it was time to just put them straight to bed, but then it would start and it would then upset the children lying in their beds listening to it. There just isn’t a way to do it right is there. You can exhaust yourself trying to do everything possible to get around his angers and outbursts but it will still happen, and others don’t understand probably because they have been lucky enough not to have experienced it and therefore don’t know whats involved. Its also a complex thing to understand, and that, combined with the isolation, makes it harder for women to leave.

I do hope you will feel understood and heard here, and feel you can use this place to work through what you want and need to be happy and free of abuse in your life.

Ask whatever you need.

warmest wishes

ts

[Myname]

Thank yous for the reply, my 2 best friends know of some but they don’t understand , (detail removed by Moderator) a rough day, he was telling me that he won’t be home from work he’s fed up of feeling alone, not having anyone, me not being intimate, that I don’t try anymore, he was just making it so hard to talk because apparently I wasn’t listening to him which I was, I need him to help and make an effort and be nice to me or I don’t feel like being intimate, he says he doesn’t want to be here anymore, it’s all because he smokes weed and owes most of his money out which he is stressed about and that’s his fault it’s a horrible habit I feel he is the way he is due to that, my friends have asked me to go out on (detail removed by Moderator) and I dread to tell him, I know I need to but there will be a massive out hurt i am too tired to deal with , I just feel I can write on here help get it off my chest because I just feel like I’m going to burst one day

[nbumblebee]

Hey sweetie welcome.
All of what you have said i can relate too except the drugs mine doesnt smoke he does drink and that makes thjngs worse but everything else yep.
Mine also tells me its all my fault that i should make an effort calls me names is nasty then demands sex and if we dont theres hell to pay for me. Im not allowed out not am i allowed to work or I should say i wasnt.
You see this forum has helped me and ive started to put in boundries ive started to work i went to college that got so bad i had to study in my car away from him but I did it.
I cant leave but what I am doing is taking tiny little steps for myself. Its not easy and I have to be really careful how and what I do but it gives me a little fire in my belly thats been busy for so many years. What you arw going through my love is most definatly abuse and boy do I hate that word but its true and its so hard to face and accept that.
You dont have to do this alone you can reach out and grab some help when you are ready there is help out there but for now know that here you have a safe place wbere we all get it we all understand some have gotten out some of us are still here and some are breaking free so read poats ask questions learn talk and lean on us.
Stay safe xxxxx

[Myname]

Thank you all your story’s it does help . So this is happening just now I just need to get it off my chest

I just feel like I don’t know what todo right now, I tried to get my partner to leave he didn’t, a lot of arguments happened, he just wouldn’t go, so I said he can stay as I feel iv no other choice , my friend hasn’t spoken much to me since I think she is annoyed I’m with him which I understand but now I feel even more alone, he came home from work other day he (detail removed by moderator) which then resulted in him arguing with me, saying (detail removed by moderator) etc, he came home (detail removed by moderator) and he waited outside and came back in, he finally got (detail removed by moderator) and was apologising to me, but also saying basically (detail removed by moderator) etc just so he will get me to tell him to stay, I just feel drained completely, I know he struggles with how he feels but I can’t help him, today turned out pretty much the same but he’s fell asleep and im sat crying

[Author]

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