Is this true?

[4Paws]

Hi I have been out of my abusive marriage now for (number removed by Moderator) years.  Life has been so much better for myself and my (number removed by Moderator) children- although they are not children anymore.

However, it has only been the last few years that I have actually started to process and deal with the stuff that happened.  And it is here that I’m struggling.

The other day somebody very close to me said that the abuse was my fault because I stayed in the marriage for nearly (number removed by Moderator) years.  The words actually used were “(quote removed by Moderator)”

Is this true? Was it my fault because I stayed?

Thanks in advance

[EvenSerpentsShine]

It’s funny but I have recently been asking myself this same question.
I did also stay about the same time.
I’m working through these thoughts.
Immediately I can see that some things I clearly need to take responsibility for.

1. I was too ready to allow my own needs to be ignored.

2.  I was too conscientious. I believed that it was the right thing to do to be loyal to someone and to try and work through all the problems in a relationship and not just walk away.

3.  I was ignorant of the kinds of people who exist in this world. I believed that everyone was basically good. I had no concept of the kinds of personalities that are out there ( albeit in a minority, nevertheless they’re not that rare) (removed by Moderator). I have never been educated about these kinds of people and as such I was unaware and ignorant of how they appear in the world as normal, charming, fun, sexy and interesting. Like most people I’ve seen the documentaries of serial killers when the shocked neighbors say “he was a nice guy”. But it never really dawned on me how much they are genuinely impossible to spot.

 

Still working on my list… I’ll let you know when I get more to add…

[EvenSerpentsShine]

4. I was too compassionate  and too willing to put up with being treated in a poor quality manner,  because there were always reasons and excuses ( his terrible childhood, his terrible family, his terrible ex wife, his stress at work, his health condition, his argument with someone)
I was compassionate and listened to these sob stories and felt empathy and sympathy for him. I felt that it was appropriate to give people who appear to be ‘suffering’ some leeway, especially as I am such a strong person.

 

[Lisa]

Hi 4Paws,

Thank you for sharing with us. I hope it is helping to post on the forum.

It was not your fault because you stayed- there is never a valid reason for abuse to happen. You didn’t cause the abuse, only the abusive person is responsible for choosing to behave in an abusive way. Many stay in relationships for various reasons, although they may want to leave it is often not easy and can take some time. Abuse is confusing and exhausting so it can take time to process what you have been through.

Keep posting when you can, there is support here from others who understand.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Chump2x]

It wasn’t your fault. I stayed in my relationship even though I knew he had cheated on me (timeframe removed by Moderator) years ago. He was a great manipulator and I couldn’t see it until finally when I found out he was cheating again with a different person (timeframe removed by Moderator). I finally got the guts to throw him out.

[4Paws]

Thank you all for replying.  It means a lot.

[Author]

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