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    • #45978
      Treehouse
      Participant

      Is throwing and breaking things when you say something they dont like abusive? Or just bad temper?

      This may be a complete rant that is poorly put together, but I dont have the energy to write it properly at the moment. It is also quite long.. apologies. Im hoping for support and advice please.

      A few days ago I was pulling out the hoover in a bad mood because my partner is a slob and I have to clean up after him-he doesn’t do anything. Annoyed I was in a bad mood at food all over the kitchen floor and dirty dished piling up from him that day, he pushed the coffee table aggressively with his son at it and got up and put his shoes on to leave. I came in to ask what he was doing. He through his shoe at the furniture beside my head aggressively and started shouting ‘what now?’ while walking towards me. I cowered and stayed in the kitchen until he left while his son stood facing the wall, scared. Is this the beginning of abuse?

      He would regularly break things when he was annoyed at something I said- broke his own laptop in half when i didnt want to watch a youtube video during a discussion where we had different opinions on something. He would throw mugs against the wall and punch furniture when I said something that annoyed him-trivial things about arguements, where I might have been telling him I was annoyed at something he did. He would break his phone. If I said something that annoyed him in the car he would start driving very dangerously and fast. I think he is trying to scare me.

      My partner would also do this thing if you said something he didnt like, where he would almost go to the extreme.. like if i said ‘oh peeing in the sink is disgusting'(which he did) and he would say something like I’ll just go live with someone else then’. Or, if i said ‘we were supposed to go on a date tomorrow night’ when he started making other plans, and he would tell me ‘then don’t come to England next week’ to see his sister implying we obviously couldn’t afford both. Constantly. Anything he didn’t like that I said he would have a nasty remark where he would just devalue you and make you feel terrible about what you said. I don’t know what it was but my heart jumped every time he did it and I always shutup. He would do it to his son- his son would say ‘i dont like you anymore’ as children do, and he would say ‘well ill ring your mummy and tell her you wont be coming here anymore’. it would upset his son and his son would be like ‘no please dont’.I don’t know what you call it but it definitely left him in control of the conversation. It was like a threat to what you said, that hurt you and stopped you expressing further that you werent happy with something.

      A week ago I hadn’t made his lunch, because I didn’t know what he wanted. He got in a bad mood and called me a f***ing tr*mp for being in my pjamas too much, and told me that I wasn’t able to think for myself. I never received an apology and when i tried to talk about it the next night when he had started rubbing me head to relax me he brushed it off and didn’t want to discuss it- he said he was just trying to relax me’ and left it that.

      A few days before that he has told me I was boring and that I wouldn’t be bothering him as much if I had any friends.

      He would regularly say very nasty things to shock and hurt you, or just shut you up- eg. ‘I’d rather w**k off than have sex with you’ after we had been discussing ‘rape culture’ and he got annoyed over my opinions.

      I felt guilted into having sex with him even when I didn’t want to, because earlier in our relationship he would get annoyed that I didn’t want to have sex. He would start a thing saying he didn’t feel attractive anymore and it made him not want to have sex anymore with me. He would say he would start working in bars again to get attention from other women. When I was not using contraception for a month because my poor sex drive on the pill was such an issue and I was getting a coil in (i felt so guilty) I wanted to use condoms. He would slip them off during sex without telling me. I didn’t know. He seen no issue with this. He would fall out with me after sex because I couldn’t orgasm from sex alone. It made him insecure apparently.. and left me feeling inadequate.

      He would accuse me of checking out other men and giving them ‘eyes’ when we were walking together on the street, and cracked up recently because I was staring into space in a daydream in the swimming pool waiting for him, and he thought I was checking out this other man- I hadn’t even noticed the man before he said. I felt so guilty for making him feel insecure.

      I always felt guilty at wanting to do something that deviated from revolving around him. I don’t know how he did it but he had my head wrecked and I ended up my entire life revolving around him and nervous at wanting to do anything else. I lost my sense of identity, because I am an outdoorsy person passionate about outdoor hobbies and science. That was so suppressed with him.

      He would not acknowledge me during conservations when I talked about myself. He would day dream and clearly not be listening or responding, or sit on his phone on social media while I talked not even looking at me and asking me to repeat myself. It was like what I said was never interesting enough to concentrate on. he would then say something about himself completely irrelevant to what i was talking about.

      When I went away early in the relationship for what was supposed to be a 6 week holiday with my friend to celebrate end of university, he tortured me. Although he was supportive before I went and the first 2 weeks, once I reached Australia he became a paranoid mess. He would accuse me of all sorts and tell me I didnt love him for this reason or that.He totally destroyed my trip and I came back early for him and lost a lot of money. He has never let me live this down because I should never have wanted to do that without him.

      After the throwing s**t at me I mentioned at the start he left me and moved out with no explanation, no discussion he just came, took his stuff and left. He wouldn’t take all of it, only half and said he would come back next week to get the rest because he had paid half the rent and had a right to. Which he hadn’t- I had paid for almost everything for months now. He would use my card freely and now contribute equally to the rent or direct debits or car insurane.

      He fequently would move out or go to his friends for days if I annoyed him when we argued.

      I had also recently self harming and he has used this against me to make me feelt very guilty.

      My head is a disaster. I cant tell if this is abusive or unacceptable or if im being over sensitive and it is playing over and over in my head. I love him and want him back. I think he will try to come back because he always does. But part of me knows there is something wrong here. My dad was very abusive to my mum, and I have been in a 2 year sexually abusive relationship previously, which despite having sex literally forced upon me, I didnt realise this was unhealthy for a long time after. I cant tell if this is wrong or not and I cant talk to family, and don’t have any friends left. I’m scared that I am letting a dangerous relationship begin where I will end up like my mum, or if im just a horrible girlfriend deserving of this and I should be trying to get him back-because he has many loving moments, but his mental health is poor and his temper is bad-he grew up with a very abusive dad who left early in his life and his mum is super bad tempered.

      Please can someone helpme clarify if these behaviours are natural of a bad tempered person that loves you, or if they are abusive and manipulative? I need someone elses perspective!!

    • #45980
      cupofcoffee
      Participant

      Hi hun, yes he is being abusive, he is threatening you and your son by throwing and breaking things, driving too fast, being verbally abusive, using emotional abuse, swearing, being jealous, and so on.

      If your head is full of how to make him happy, constantly thinking of him and what he wants yet you find that no matter what you do he is angry about something, or that you and your son are sometimes scared of him and are walking on eggshells, he is being abusive.

      Then he will flip and suddenly start being nice which will be really confusing or you can never sit down and discuss things because he denies it or twists it so it is all your fault. Keep posting on here, you will find help and support, and you are not alone hun x*x

    • #45983
      Alicenotichains
      Participant

      Hi Treehouse,

      Well done for posting here. Your relationship sounds very abusive and the fact that your head is all over the place is another sure fire sign that you have an abuser on your hands.
      They make you think that they are reacting to something you have done and that their behaviour is your fault. So you focus on improving yourself rather than seeing the real cause of the problem. At the route of all these relationships is psychological abuse, where your boundaries are shattered and your ability to think clearly is taken away from you. Instead you spend your life focussing soley on how to keep them happy, you walk constantly on egg shells and on the process your own sparkle gets dimmed and your soul starts to slowly die. Everything seems gray and awful. You can remember once being happy but you have no idea how to get back there.
      This man is toxic and is treating you appallingly. The abuse has already started, someone doesn’t have to beat you up in order to psychologically terrorise you.
      Continue to reach out for support, go and see your Dr and take steps to get as emotionally far away from this man as you can. For many that means No Contact but if you share a child then Low Contact is the next best option.
      Be careful also as when these men feel like they are losing control of their puppets, they can become very dangerous. Trust your instincts and know that you are not alone. We are all at different stages of the same journey.
      No person has a right to make you feel unhappy and scared. You will get back to enjoying the outdoors and science but you need to break the hold he has over you. Sending you lots of positive thoughts.

      A x*x

    • #45993
      Relieved
      Participant

      Hi Treehouse, well done for posting. He is being abusive, manipulative and controlling. He’s playing mind games. I did all the things you do to try to keep my ex happy and none of it worked. I too started to think I must be an awful person as nothing I did seemed to please him.

      I was also guilt tripped into having sex. He’d say he didn’t feel loved if I didn’t want sex or would feel inadequate if I didn’t orgasm(I regularly faked it). I didn’t realise this is a form of sexual abuse until I went on a DV course. He would also say thank you after sex which made me feel rather degraded like I was a prostitute!

    • #46653
      Treehouse
      Participant

      Thank you all for replying to my message. The time you took is much appreciated. Others perspective can be scary but eye opening. I hAvent been on since. Your replies hit me hard and I think I have been in a state of denial, not wanting to face it. I’m still in love. His son is not my son, I am his step mum I guess. Still I care about him a lot, I don’t want him to see these things. I don’t want him to become that. Threats ( if you don’t shut up I’ll punch you in the face- even though he didn’t when I challenged him surely saying this is never acceptable?) and actual physically grabbing my hair and Trying to scare me when
      mad during arguments have happened since. That can’t be good? Think I’m still trying to deny it for what it is because i don’t know how to be without him. Still trying to justify it and forget it. I might turn to counselling. Something to give me perspective. I hope you are all well now and thanks again for your support.

    • #46661
      KIP.
      Participant

      Try ringing the helpline number on here or visit your local women’s aid. Loving him will not change him.

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