Isolated in my perspective

[Escapee]

Hi ladies,

I’ve been quiet lately as I’ve been going through some confusing times. I’m guessing it’s all part of the process.

I almost went back as my heart was winning over my head but in a very short period the red flags were waved and I’m back to my senses.

One of the things I’m struggling with is others support. I’m at the stage where I’m recognising his behaviour for what it is and I’ve stopped making excuses for him. I know he’ll never acknowledge his behaviour and how wrong it is – I will eventually accept this but at the moment it makes me angry. When I talk to my closest support they just brush it aside and make excuses for him – I want to tell them to stop doing that but I realise they don’t really understand, they have never seen the sneers, disgust and heard the spite in his voice – they only see Mr nice.

I don’t know what I’m asking but I just feel so isolated and alone in my perspective when I need help to keep going in the right direction.

[Spiritwalker]

Hi, friend. I can’t imagine going through this without the support that is so needed by your close friends and loved ones. I empathize with you so much when you say all they see is Me nice. Though there is support in my situation, I understand the Mr. Nice thing a lot. It’s like they are someone else when the doors are closed…the public facade can almost be sickening while at the same time very conflicting. I think people will either tend to show us their best or their worst when we are in relationships…the fact is, your feelings matter. Feelings aren’t feigned and they don’t just come out of nowhere. This is what those close to you need to understand too…don’t let them make you doubt. Hold on to your conviction and honor yourself. If you and your loved ones switched places, do you think you would be telling them they were wrong or brushing it off? If they won’t be there for you, be there for yourself.

[Newbeginnings1234]

I’m struggling with a similar thing, my family never really believed me and continued to talk to my ex for months after I left. They repeatedly told me that I was being too harsh on him, I need to stop playing the victim and that I shouldn’t have reported him to the police because he didn’t deserve it. My friends don’t really talk to me anymore (not that I had many friends anyway) and everyone just keeps telling me to get over it and move on, expecting me to be over it by now. The lack of support through all of this has been one of the hardest things to deal with, the only real support that I have is on this forum. But I know that one day his behaviour will lead to a prison sentence, so unfortunately I just have to wait until he moves onto someone else and treats her even worse than he treated me, then everyone will know what he’s really like. Are there any support groups in your area that you could go to? Maybe it would help to be around other people in a similar situation? x

[Escapee]

Hi

Thank you for taking the time to answer me. Us ladies on here and those that have gone before us are the only ones that really get it – thank you.

I’m happy that those I love don’t really understand as it means they’ve never experienced it. But you’re very right, I would never trivialise their feelings – I guess that’s the difference and why it’s us more empathic ones that get caught in the abuse net.

My local WA isn’t very supportive, though to be honest they have tried to create groups and I’ve been the only one to turn up. There is another group but there is a bit of a power struggle going on there between two women and I really can’t be bothered with all that.

I did come on here a lot but I pull back when I’m struggling as I don’t feel I’ll be very helpful to those that are in the awful place of still living with their abuser and they’re facing the scary reality of having to get out. I don’t want them to worry about all the emotions and turmoil that follows – they need all their strength to get out. If that’s you that’s reading this – it is so much better once you leave, it’s tough for other reasons but so, so much better than living with fear, rejection and crazy making behaviour.

Thank you being there and understanding xx

[Tiffany]

I only joined the forum post abuse. Talking on here is what allowed me to process what had happened in a way I couldn’t while I was with my abuser.

I am so sorry that your friends are not being supportive. I was really lucky with a couple of really good friends who got what I had been through and supported me, but talking to people who don’t understand what you have been to can really make things hard in the early days. For me it was my mother who defended my abuser. I felt almost that she was taking his side. It helped a bit when I realised that most of what she was saying to me was her parroting back the defenses I had given for him while we were together. All the nonsense about me being hard to live with, and him being under lots of pressure. She just didn’t get what an abusive dynamic was like, and that things had been as bad as they were. Ultimately I stopped talking to her about abuse issues, and we have a pretty stable and healthy relationship again. I don’t know if I would have put the effort in to be that understanding with friends who didn’t get it or take my side.

I never thought that I would be someone to want people to take sides in a break up. My last before the abuse was so amicable that we are still in touch, my new (non-abusive) partner and I have been on a double date with him and his new partner, and the idea of taking sides was basically alien to me. But with abuse there is no choice. Either they believe there was abuse and support you, or they don’t and they support him. And if someone supports your abuser against you then I don’t know that you could consider them friends.

[Camel]

Hi Escapee

It’s still early days and you’ll still be processing and coming to terms with everything. This doesn’t happen overnight and in my experience it can take years. It’s completely understandable to want those people closest to you to take your side and back you up, especially when you’re feeling confused. Unfortunately abusers tend to be charming. They fooled us once so we can’t really criticise others when they’re fooled too. Personally I found it pointless trying to discuss the relationship with friends while it was going on – and even more pointless once it was over. It was probably for the best. They wouldn’t have had anything useful to say and could even have offered harmful advice. When we’re questioning ourselves do we really need the off-hand advice of people who don’t understand? I didn’t get emotional support from my true friends but they were faultless in practical support – a place to live and space to heal.

[Escapee]

Thank you ladies – there’s a lot a wisdom and insight in your answers.

I hadn’t though about the parroting but that’s exactly what’s happening plus it’s my sister who’s being like this and thinking about it, her response shouldn’t be a surprise as we’ve both been brought up to put others before ourselves thus we always make excuses for others. It’s taken me to hit rock bottom to realise that sometimes there is NO excuse.

I’m trying to learn to be my own best friend and as my own best friend I think the ‘not talking about it’ is the best way to go – I am not going to loose my sister over him too and even though I’d love her to be indignant on my behalf, I can’t expect it when her whole life has been about ‘being nice’.

Thank you again ladies, I really appreciate you all.

Love, hugs and admiration xx

[Author]

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